December 26, 2007
December 20, 2007
December 03, 2007
Karmic
We're back home now. The flight went well, but our plane landed at MSP in a blizzard. It took me an hour and a half to shovel us out the next morning. I'm no "weather wimp", but I am freezing my ass off. My tan and the warm memories of you have been a source of great comfort these past two day. Thanks for everything. - Matthew
P.S. I miss you
November 30, 2007
Do You See What I See
November 28, 2007
Sweater Weather
November 27, 2007
Changes In Latitudes
November 22, 2007
November 05, 2007
A Dinosaur Sensation
Now, Barney finds his big purple behind on the the butt end of many a joke. I have to admit though, I don't mind him. For a short time, before discovering Barney & Friends, the girls enjoyed the Teletubbies. Personally, I'd choose the Teletubbies over Barney any day; but I no longer control the remote once they see the Sprout on-demand channel. It's instantly, "Barney, Barney, Barney" and I must relent. But, like I said, Barney's not all that bad. The themes are excellent really. Wash your hands, brush your teeth, pick up your crap when you're done playing with it. I like that. In fact, we sing "Clean up! Clean up! Everybody, everywhere..." at the end of almost every day. My mild OCD is delighted and has Barney to thank for that ritual. BJ and Baby Bop don't grate on me like they do to some parents. He's a completely ancillary character, but that tree squirrel, who shows up in random vignettes, is probably my favorite.
But I digress. My original point was going to be how the show is really starting to get to me and how I hope this phase is short lived. But after all that Barney praise, you may be asking what's left not to like? Well, let me tell you: It's those kids. Those real life children on the show who imagine up Barney to begin with. They bug the hell out of me! Every single one. Well, except for Chip maybe. And Jeff, he's cool. But the rest, ugh! Their squeaky whines are like fingernails on a chalkboard now. Their perma-grins make me want to poke them in the eye. Their bad outfits make me want to send them to the Gap; or at least Old Navy. I don't want to hear or see them anymore. Especially Robert and Stephen. That pair are the longest, sharpest, nails on that get-along gang hand. This week, we've been watching the fire truck episode; over and over. Luckily, Stephen isn't in it, but Robert is. Skinnylegs McJunior does a whole song about how he wants to be a fireman when he grows up. Yeah, whatever Robert. The only fireman outfit I see in your future is the one you're wearing on stage between the police man and the Indian singing YMCA. Ouch. Zinger!
See, those kids bring out the worst in me! Luckily, it doesn't do that to my babies. In fact, the most amazing thing happened to me this weekend. My daughters sang to me. And they sang: "I love you, you love me..." I just about melted, right there and then. I'm not kidding, I may have actually teared up from the surge of joy and honor and blessedness that I was experiencing. It was a truly magnificent moment; and it hit me in stereo! I have to thank Barney for that experience as well.
October 29, 2007
October 25, 2007
You Look Like a Rube
October 18, 2007
It's true, I swear
Apparently, cussing at work proves to be a benefit to employees and their employers. Sounds like we really can never mind the bollocks! At the office at least.
Professor Yehuda Baruch found that the regular use of profanity not only helped individuals articulate their feelings and reduce tension, but also boosted camaraderie amongst co-workers. The Prof, and his grad student co-author, set about to challenge leadership styles and examined the use of expletives and swearing in the work place from a managerial point of view. They are now warning that attempts to prevent workers from swearing could have a negative impact on business. The study notes that "swearing was as a social phenomenon to reflect solidarity and enhance group cohesiveness, or as a psychological phenomenon to release stress." The study surmises that "by allowing staff to swear as a means of expressing feelings of frustration and tension...working conditions could improve". The pair notes that "abusive swearing" should not be allowed, as that may add to workplace stress. Cursing in front of customers and management should be avoided as well. The investigation concludes that "taboo language serves the needs of people for developing and maintaining solidarity, and as a mechanism to cope with stress."
I don't know how much time and effort Professor Yehuda took to study this "phenomena", but I have one comment for the researcher: No shit Sherlock.
The article, entitled "Swearing at work and permissive leadership culture: when anti-social becomes social and incivility is acceptable" is published in the current issue of the Leadership and Organization Development Journal (Vol 28 Issue 6, pages 492-507) and is probably not available anywhere you're going to be.
October 10, 2007
Note To Self:
My children are not trying to be defiant or rebellious on purpose. They're just expressing their growing independence and do not have the language skills to easily express their needs. Ideal children do not always agree with their parents. Ideal parenting does not prevent the Terrible Twos; it only helps children navigate them.
Breathe out.
Breathe in...
My children are not trying to be defiant or rebellious. They're just expressing their growing independence and...
Happy second birthday babies. You are my joy.
October 08, 2007
Czech Your Head
The couple quickly questioned the local hospital and found that 4 other girls were born that same day, 10 months ago. It didn't take long to identify the parents who took possession of their biological child in a, apparently, really bad mistake. However, along with Nikolks'a physical appearance, there were other inaccuracies that should have been a red flag for, I don't know, at least someone. Like how the infant's weight dropped from 7.26 pounds to 5.83 the day after she was delivered. "We were overjoyed after the birth of our baby, we did not pay any attention," Libor told a local newspaper. It sounds like papa Libor spends a lot of time at the pub, but was their Dr. drunk too?
Regardless, imagine hearing something like that! "The child you've raised since birth really isn't the child you birthed. Whoopsy! Our bad. But the good news: we do know the parents we gave your baby to. Oh, and you have theirs. Sorry 'bout that." How do you cope with that kind of news? What does it do to your relationship with your child? With your other child? What does it mean to be a "parent"? It's an imbroglio that lays bare heaps of moral and ethical perplexities. The potential intricacies and ramifications are, undoubtedly, life changing for everyone involved. It's not like you just meet the other couple for dinner and a Yankee Swap. Or do you?
All I know is that on April 23rd, the date our 3rd child is predicted to arrive, I'm not letting that kid out of my sight.
September 18, 2007
¡No soy muerto todavía! Realmente
As if lying, all cadaverous, on a morgue slab wasn't bad enough, just wait. Things get worse for corpse once the medical examiners got a hold of him. They began their autopsy by cutting into the recently departed's face, but had to take pause and scratch their heads when the deceased Mr. Camejo started bleeding. You see, dead men don't tell tales, or bleed. So they did what any self-respecting physician with high ethical standards would do: quickly stitch up their incision, quietly move him to a nearby corridor and...leave him there.
His grieving widow, who was called to the hospital to identify her expired husband, found him in the hallway and not dead. ¡Ay Dios Mio! I'm assuming the doctors weren't there to explain things to the Camejos because they were cleaning the shit out of their pants.
Carlos seems to be doing well now. Here he is, telling his story to the El Universal newspaper last Friday, holding his own death certificate and sporting a swell new facial scar.
September 12, 2007
Только сделайте это
Ice box not keeping your borscht cold enough? Fetzer valve leaking fluid from your AvtoVAZ Automobilny? Fret not my Ruskie brothers, for today is your lucky day. That's right, it's that time of year again. Merry Conception Day comrades!
If the Kremlin's a rockin', don't come a knockin'. Two years ago, Provincial Governor, Sergei Morozov, declared September 12th "Family Contact Day" for all of Ulyanovsk and encourages citizens to go home and roll in the hay. What makes Sept. 12th so special, you may ask? 9/12 is exactly 9 months from the 6/12 National holiday of "Russia Day"! Families who "give birth to a Patriot," on Russia Day, get to put their living raffle ticket into a hopper and win fantastic prizes such as cash, a refrigerator or a car! Pozdravlyayu!
According to Reuters, the celebration, coined "Conception Day" by Russia's press, was prompted by the declining birth rate. Just like Swiss glaciers, the population of Russia is also shrinking. In fact, the largest country on Earth is close to the least populated. As deaths continue to exceed births, the number of Russian residents is decreasing by about 700,000 people a year. Uvidimsya! Russia's high rates of AIDS, alcoholism and suicide seem to be the major factors in this decline. Good times.
Gov. Sergei permits couples to work only a half day, allowing them to leave early to return home to spawn. From Russia with love. In Family Contact Day's first year, 311 would-be baby makers signed up to just do it. 9 months later, 46 little babushka's were birthed. Last year, 500 women registered for the reproduction rally. On 6/12/07: 78 babies were born. That's a 4.5% increase in the birth rate since the event was conceived. Mother Russia is pleased.
The thing that intrigues me the most though, what were those 189 ladies thinking in 2005? Who turns down a government approved get-out-of-work-free-card with the added bonus certificate of afternoon coitus? What about the hundreds of (presumably more) other women who are at work, right now, choosing to stay there rather than take the day off to fornicate with their mate? Talk about an iron curtain.
September 10, 2007
Sudden Serious Sweetness
Let me tell you why. After coming in from mowing the lawn this weekend, all bummed out with a dead mp3 player in my hand, she looked at me and said: "Why don't we go look at those new iPods you've been talking about." I sort of thought she was just being mean at first. Like she was going to to crack herself up any second and then apologize for the bad joke; but she didn't. Instead, she completely stunned me by saying she'd like to trade a piece of jewelry, I surprised her with, for it. She was totally sincere too. I had recently given her a very pretty bracelet of fresh water pearls as a gift. You know, just for...because. Who doesn't like unanticipated gifts? She was very touched, I know. But after thinking about it for a couple weeks, she decided she wasn't going to wear it enough to keep. I honestly tried to talk her out of it too. Really, for all she does for us, she's deserving of a lot more than semi-precious. But the bracelet was silvery, rose and blue in hue and I think it was just a little to "girly" for her. And as they say, it's the thought that counts, right? I surely never would have predicted she's be so pleased by my intention alone that she would want to take back jewelry and buy me a present though. Go figure. It's Oh so O. Henry!
I don't know why, but I usually equate Karma with punishment, not reward. It really does go both ways though. It doesn't hurt to be married to such a genuinely unselfish woman either. The Mrs. did mention, however, that "this probably won't happen the next time" I decide to surprise her with a shiny adornment.
I wouldn't want it to. Thank You K. You're so awesome!
P.S. You were totally right. This iPod blows away the Neuros in every respect; and you know how geeked I was over that thing.
August 30, 2007
Take Offs & Landings
August 20, 2007
Ice Road Truckers
According to Greenpeace, Swiss glaciers have lost about 1/3 of their length and 1/2 their volume over the past 150 years. The Aletsch ice floe ebbed 377 ft. in 2005 alone, and the melting rate seems to be increasing. Greenpeace predicts that the current global warming situation will strip Switzerland of all it's glaciers by 2080, and they can't bare the though. "An emergency provokes extreme responses: human beings in danger will abandon social niceties, etiquette, and the norms of acceptable behaviour to raise an alarm any way they can when lives are in danger." All models that raised more than an alarm were politely asked to exit the shoot.
In a statement to Geneva's Le Temps newspaper, the glacier said: "We're in the Alps, I'm made of ice, don't you people know about shrinkage!"
August 13, 2007
Delinquent
Then, this weekend, I swear we were hit by a tornado. I'm not kidding. I watched tree limbs and panels of vinyl siding swirling in the air close to our 2nd fl. windows. The sound this downburst produced was so blustering it drowned out the weather sirens that went off around 3:30am. We really didn't need any alarm to tell us the weather was "severe" though. I was bummed, and pretty overwhelmed, by the extent of the wreckage we found while surveying our property the next morning. Our new house held up well, but each tree we have was damaged. The news says it was "straight line winds." For us, that meant 70-80mph winds that shoot along the ground rather than forming a rotational pattern , otherwise called a cyclone. The damage it causes, however, is similar. There was wood everywhere. One maple snapped completely in half. Thick limbs, from a 200 year old oak, camouflaged our back lawn. Luckily, we were spared the machine gun spray of acorns that our neighbor's house endured. We found our glass topped table, anchored by an umbrella screwed into a 40lb base, flipped over and pushed into the corner of the deck underneath all the chairs. The gas grill was pushed into another corner. A neighbor's stainless steel model was lying in the middle of her lawn; the same way another neighbor's privacy fence was spread out across ours. Whole evergreens were leveled, their root systems ripped from the Earth. Fences, decks and retaining walls all around were piled in heaps in their owner's yards.
Not knowing exactly what to do in this situation, I took ques from my neighbors, threw on a pair of work gloves, grabbed my camp saw and started on the cleanup. I quickly, and a little embarrassingly, realized that my humble handsaw was just not going to cut it. But that's all we had, so I soldiered on. Fortunately, a gracious stranger, who was watching my exercises in futility while tending to his own mess, came to my aid. (Thank you Steve from the brown house with the giant sandbox in the back yard!) He introduced himself as my new neighbor and fired up his lumberjack worthy chainsaw. He quickly felled the damaged trunks that were split and cracked and removed the larger limbs that were left hanging as well.
Later that afternoon, I set about the task of cutting those limbs down to a manageable size. A more appropriate task for my handsaw, or so I though. I broke it about an hour into the endeavor. I knew right then that there was nothing else I could do...but get my own chainsaw! Home Depot actually sold out earlier that morning but had truckloads shipped in from WI. I came home with 18 inches & 40cc's of precision cutting machinery and went to town on that timber! I'll be honest, it was a little intimidating at first, but the virile powers of a chain saw are hard to refute. I was soon wielding the tool in true Paul Bunyan style. It was quite the he-man display indeed. I did more cutting and lifting and hauling than I've done in a very long time. Thanks to Dan, Don, Shirley & neighbor Steve #2 for helping out also. 2 long days & 4 van loads of debris to the local compost site later, the yard looks fantastic. I'm hoping all the trees will survive too.
The new house, by the way: totally awesome. The door's always open too. So stop on by! Just give me a little time to recuperate from this weekend. If my body were a machine, it would be an old rusty one. I'm a little sore today. Which reminds me, I think it's about time to eat some more Advil.
August 02, 2007
Tragedy
4 people have died, 79 are injured and 30 are still missing. Rescue divers are in the river, right now, reaching into the front seats of submerged cars and reading license plate numbers with their fingers because visibility is close to zero. It's a sad experience for the Twin Cities, a grim task for the emergency workers and a devastating incident for the families directly involved with this disaster. Let's all keep these folks in our thoughts. They need as much support as we can give them, no matter how far away it's coming from.
Give Blood
July 19, 2007
Tease
So last night we're at the local pub. Andy's telling me all about his 2 beautiful children and the discussion he's having with his wife concerning the naming of their soon to arrive third. I always expected his kids to be little "Kjerstens" or "Gunnars" because he's such a Swedophile. But he has bestowed strong Irish monikers upon his progeny and it sounds like that will continue. But I'm not sure. You just don't hear the name "Fergal" now a days.
Although my friend never reads this blog, I know his lovely spouse does. That makes this next part a little awkward, but I feel I should mention something. I'm hesitant because I'm not sure if Andy's going to say anything to his wife about this or not; but he was totally getting hit on the whole time we were there. It wasn't entirely one sided either. Actually, the flirting started as soon as we sat down. "See anything you like?" our blond and well manicured server, in tight khaki shorts, said coyly as Andy perused the tap list. That question was posed twice. The second time, I don't even think we were looking at menus. It was not a subtle come on. I swear Andy winked at him during one exchange too. Our waiter must have been by the table 5 or 6 times before he checked in with the hetero couple seated next to us. "How does it taste?" he asked a few minutes after delivering our plates; a wicked grin upon his face. His eyes locked on Andy the whole time. He ordered the grilled salmon & penne with beans & carrots, on our server's recommendation, by the way. I believe he told the waiter it was "divine." I thought it best we leave before he had another 10% Belgian beer and things got weird.
It was nice not to see an engorged body part on our guest when he woke up this morning. I think our server, on the other hand, would beg to differ. Probably beg for a little slap and tickle while he was at it as well. Anyhow, thanks for stopping by buddy! Hope to hear from you at least one time before lil' Fergal is born.
July 16, 2007
Preternatural
The disproportionate encounter took place today in China. Curiously, both men hail from the same region of inner Mongolia. Bao Xishun, who stands 7ft. 9in. huge, was meeting the altitudinously challenged Mr. He Pingping as he was applying with the Guinness Book peeps to become the Earth's shortest man. Bao, aka: "The Mast", was Guinness certified as the longest beanstalk of a person back in Jan. '05. He beat the previous record holder, Tunisia's Radhouane Charbib, by a scant 0.078740 of an inch. However, while Mr. He Pingping stands at an astonishing 28.7401 inches high, it's not even close to the 26.5747 in. of Taiwan's Lin Yih-Chih, who is the current holder of the teensy-weensy Guinness title. So I'm not sure what the point is. Except, he did get to touch The Mast.
As if all this isn't enough: world's tallest man, world's tallest groom, inner Mongolia's biggest cheese, add tallest amateur veterinarian & hero to the dolphins to that list. Yeah, the dolphins love Bao too! It all started last Dec. when 2 dolphin at China's Royal Jidi Ocean World mysteriously ingested shards of plastic. This resulted in, according to aquarium officials, "loss of appetite and depression". When attempts to surgically extract the fragments failed, vets turned to Bao, and his 42" appendage, for help. But Bao thought it best to use him arm. So they wrapped the dolphins' teeth in towels while Bao inserted his long limb down their throats & into their stomachs to retrieve the threatening debris and save their lives. Why the dolphins' bellys didn't contract and reject Bao's extremity like they did the surgical equipment is puzzling. Must be that it was less intrusive; like pulling a woman's appendix out her natural orifice. Bao "the Mast" Xishun, someone we can all look up to.
July 05, 2007
My name is Kobayashi. I work for Keyser Soze.
Nagano Japan's Kobayashi, employing his patented "solomon method", set a personal record of 63 HDB's (that's Hot Dog with Bun) but wasn't able to match the, rather grotesque, gobbling power of US born Joey Chestnut (California not New Jersey). Chestnut ate out Kobayashi by swallowing a new world record of 66 dogs in the allotted 12 min. of competition. That's one every 10.9 seconds. I want to barf just thinking about that many wienies in my mouth. I bet Ken could handle it though.
The I.F.O.C.E. sanctioned event was broadcast live on ESPN (Thank you again ESPN!) and the pair were neck and neck (lips & assholes as well) the entire race. They each scarfed down 60 sausage in 60 seconds. The tally at the end was actually closer than the final 66-63 results. But the coveted Yellow Mustard Belt was Kobayashi's to loose. Unfortunately, at the close of the bout, he suffered from what the I.F.O.C.E terms a "reversal". I'm sure you can figure out what that means. Competitors receive credit for "anything in their mouths at the 12-minute mark, provided they can swallow it." Kobayashi couldn't swallow it. However, even without the penalty, Chestnut would have beaten Kobayashi by a dog or more.
I know it was the 4th of July and all, but I have to admit, I was sort of rooting for the little Japanese guy. I don't follow the sport closely, but Kobayashi is a legend in the field of competitive eating. I actually remember the first time he won the Nathan's contest in '01 because he was about 110lbs. and smashed the 25 dog record by eating 50. But a few weeks ago, the master-eater dropped a bomb in his own blog that stunned his peers. For two years now, Kobayashi has been dealing with severe pain from arthritis of the jaw brought on by the intensive training regiment he's maintained for so long. He wasn't even sure he could compete in this year's event. “My jaw has given up the fight” lamented Takeru. He described the arthritis as so acute, that he could only open his mouth wide enough to allow a fingertip past his teeth. Who'd have thunk that stretching your mouth and stomach with excessive quantities of cabbage and water would result in jawthritis? Um, me? Sadly, Takeru feared that his mouth was paralyzed. In true Japanese style, Kobayashi only blamed himself: “I feel so ashamed that I didn't hear the alarm bells ringing in my own body." Just three hours before yesterday's contest, Kobayashi was still receiving acupuncture treatment to minimize the pain. You got to give the Tsunami credit though; reversal and all. 63 dogs in 12 minutes is, well...nasty, but quite impressive. Along with his 6 Nathan's Hot Dog titles, Kobayashi also holds the world records for Johnsonville Brats, Krystal's Hamburgers, Lobster Rolls, Rice Balls and Cow Brains.
June 21, 2007
Palatine Uvula
June 15, 2007
Chapter 35
I won't burden you with all the details of the next few days, but things were tense. When a 3rd party jumped in with an offer of their own, things turned downright agonizing. I couldn't believe it. We took a hit on our own sale because we had this one home waiting for us. How could it be that on the first day we could even think about making an offer, 2 separate parties decide they want it? This house had been sitting quiet, in this horrendous housing market, with no activity whatsoever, since October 06! The listing price had dropped 3 times already and was now at a figure that put this dream home within inches of our reach. The stress was dizzying. But the owners were cool and chose to hold off on the first offer and hear all 3 at the same time. Why wouldn't they? I'm sure they were doing back flips at the thought of the bidding war that was about to take place.
And war it was. A bloody, messy, leave no prisoners alive war. The owner's realtor, who quickly lost control over this frenzied and emotional situation, had to reveal that she had never dealt with a multiple offer situation before. Our Realtor was having a hard time managing all the curve balls that were being thrown at us. She's no amateur, and had unquestionably brought her A game, but we could see she was more than frustrated with the imbroglio that this was turning into. When one of the parties chose to drop out, probably due to the chaos, we thought, "finally, some help." But then we were told they decided to put an offer on our #2 house instead! Then we find out the one that was left, the one that saw the house on Tues and decided to buy it immediately, had a Chinese realtor who couldn't speak English. Who hires a realtor to represent you in a major deal that can't speak English? That's just kooky. There was just too much stacking up against us. We felt defeated before the owners even heard our official offer. Our realtor kept saying, "If this isn't the house for you, you'll know why, in 2 weeks, when you find the one that is." She really was trying to be helpful. I was looking up the address of the local Extended Stay America. We were going to need some place to go when the Dr's daughter kicks us out. When a shelf in our garage fell off the wall and landed on the hood of our new car, leaving multiple etchings and 3 dents, I almost lost it. Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs.
We had done a lot number crunching, and soul searching, and came up with a plan. If we were going to get this house, we had to give them our strongest offer up front. No messing around. No playing games. We had one chance to present to them and we couldn't blow it. We were in no position to undercut their asking price like Dr. McStingy did to us. Like were planning to do only 5 days earlier. We had our number, asked for almost nothing extra in the deal, and had to make peace with that. We came to the point where we had to say this is honestly the best we can do, and as they say: Let Go, Let God. If we don't get the house...
The owners chose to accept our offer.
In this, my birth month, I am about to make yet another major life change. I can't be more pleased. And it's not just the new house. That's really the icing on my birthday cake. What I'm most proud of is the family that is taking this step with me. I have the most radiant & remarkable wife a man can hope for; and two of the most extraordinary daughters, who blow my mind every single day, by my side. To have these women in my life is truly miraculous. And that is the gift I'm utmost thankful for. I love you girls. Now let's start packing!
June 01, 2007
ABC, Easy As 123
But how 'bout that ending? First off, why was it that a Canadian almost won our National Spelling Bee? Second, did Evan O'Dorney understand that he just won our National Spelling Bee? At the close of the contest, ESPN's Stuart Scott jumps onstage to interview the Baby Einstein and gets absolutely no reaction from the kid. None. Zero. Zilch. Zot. Scott tried to create some energy, à la "Tom Brady, you just won the Super Bowl! What are you going to do next?" but failed to elicit any "I'm going to Disney World!" enthusiasm from the 4ft. dictionary in round rimmed glasses. The fact is, we were told by Evan himself, earlier in the broadcast, that he doesn't even like spelling. Mathematics, martial arts and composing piano concertos are his true passions.
Scott: Would you like to, maybe, reassess your likability of the National Spelling Bee?
(Evan had no response. No reaction at all. He just stood there.)
Scott: How do you feel about it now?
O'Dorney: Are you saying I'm supposed to like it more?
May 25, 2007
Good Things Come To Those Who Bait
others go fishing and think about God."
- Tony Blake
May 22, 2007
New Car Scent
Here's a funny little commercial for it that runs overseas. I felt exactly the same way when I got home last night.
May 16, 2007
Vitriolic
Rev. Falwell himself has said a lot of things that were cruel and hurtful. I am not a Falwell fan. I do not side with the Moral Majority. Let me make that clear. Statements made by Jerry Falwell have personally offended me. He's said despicable things about other faiths, races, women, GLBTs, civil rights and even 9-11. But the death of a human being deserves politeness. Some of the remarks I've read are just beyond bad taste. One blogger wrote: "Only wish he suffered more." "There are no tears in my house tonight... only Champagne," wrote another. Parties and toasts were a common theme. There were way to many descriptions of Tinky Winky dancing on his grave. A comment on Gawker.com read: "I hope he is gang-banged in Hell by Satan, Saddam, Hitler and Liberace". That doesn't even make sense. Last night, in San Francisco, there was what organizers called an "Anti-Memorial" held for Mr. Falwell. That's just hateful.
Must we be tolerant of intolerance? I don't think so. But responding to indignity with indignity, doesn't help the situation in the least. I know people are reacting out of emotion, and I'm not a woman, gay or Jewish. Someone could argue that I have no idea how Jerry Falwell's comments affected them. On an individual basis, I guess that's true. I believe that it's your right to say what you want as well. But I also know that hate affects us all.
May 08, 2007
Botanic
Speaking of perennials, the tulips I got from Holland a few years ago sprouted in my little back garden...and were quickly eaten by rabbits. So the other day I headed out to the local hardware store in search of hare remover. Something to repel those confounded cottontails before they devoured the bulbs that haven't shot up yet. If Handy Andy recommended a toxin, so be it. Luckily for the little Leporidae, Hardware Hank endorsed Liquid Fence instead. An all-natural product made from organic ingredients that's enviro-friendly, biodegradable and not harmful to humans or animals.
Anyone ever use this stuff before? The label says its guaranteed to keep varmint out of the area applied to, but will leave a "strong odor" until it dries. I gave the jug a few pumps and thought, "Not pleasant, but not so bad." At first, I was worried the stuff wasn't going to be powerful enough. Silly me. I doused every plant in the garden and then hit up the ones behind the house, under the kitchen windows. Standing in the middle of the yard is where the rancid tang overcame me. Don't know why there was a delay, but it sure was a wallop when it hit. I was actually stunned by the stink. I could taste it in my mouth. I honestly considered alerting the neighbors before someone called Public Health. I figured the main ingredient must be something like fermented bear urine. Rusty fluid taken from a 900lb. grizzly upon his first Spring whizz after a long hard hibernation and a last Fall meal of 5 salmon, a dead squirrel and one small caribou. I looked to the label to see that my guess was off. The primary components of this concoction are garlic and "putrescent egg solids." Believe me, it smells much worse than it sounds. They need to start using this stuff in hostage situations. Once the room is filled with this potent potpourri, nary a shot will be fired.
Find your own local Farmers Market here. Oh yeah, Liquid Fence rocks. I haven't seen a single furry interloper since.
April 30, 2007
An American Revolution
April 24, 2007
Check Please!
An unidentified man ran into a bustling London eatery, attempting to gain access to the kitchen. He was initially blocked by staff but was able to enter a second work area; where he grabbed a butcher's knife and began "slashing himself across the wrists and groin." The chap then proceeded towards the dining area where, according to patron Stuart McMahon, "Everyone was screaming and running out as he jumped on a table, dropped his trousers and popped his penis out. Then he cut it off. I couldn't believe it."
Why the man chose this pizzeria is unknown. But the room was full of customers enjoying their own cocktails at the end of the London Marathon. Maybe the idea just came to him. The audience did not applaud the man's surreal Teppanyaki swordsmanship either. “There was blood everywhere. Everyone ran out of the place.”
Even in his half-cocked state, the constables were forced to use tear gas to bring the fellow down. But they are credited for grabbing the dude's wiener off the floor and throwing it on ice. Since the guy had no ID, Scotland Yard could only tell us that he is 35ish, Polish and "not a well boy." The man was rushed to the hospital where they immediately began the procedure to re-attach his tallywhacker. The Royal College of Surgeons confirms this was the first time that anyone in the UK has had their penis sewed back on.
Dr. Rosenrosen, fresh from this weekend's screening of Vaginal Cholecystectomy, has told TMZ.com that "a detachable penis is a phalacy."
April 20, 2007
Whoa Doc, you just say 'natural orifice'?
The NY Times is reporting that Doctors have successfully removed a patient's gallbladder by passing instruments through her vajayjay rather than cutting through her belly. Dr's say the technique "will cause less pain and scarring" by "eliminating the need to cut through abdominal muscles, a major source of pain after the surgery."
The surgeon who performed the procedure, Dr. Marc Bessler, was quoted as saying: “Going through a natural orifice, the mouth or rectum or vagina, to get into the abdomen and do an operation, is being excitedly worked on by a whole lot of people." And Dr. Bessler is giddy as a schoolgirl. He even plans to show video of the surgery at a conference in Las Vegas this Sunday. Dr. Rosenrosen is bringing chips. Party on.
These excitable specialists have even formed their very own professional organization called, the Natural Orifice Surgery Consortium for Assessment & Research, or NOSCAR. No kidding. Their goal: to make surgery less and less invasive. And sticking specialized surgical stainless steel up a person's who-ha, grabbing an internal organ and pulling out, seems to qualify as "less invasive". It's rumored that Kyle Busch has already signed on as spokesperson for the group. I think he should have read that contract a little more carefully.
The article also mentions this equally fleshy fact: "Interest in this idea heightened after doctors from India made a video in 2004 showing an appendix being taken out through a patient's mouth." I just hope there is no need for me to have my tonsils removed any time soon. Although, the other day, someone did request that I pull my own head out of my ass.
April 12, 2007
April 04, 2007
I Want A New Drug
"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared; he didn't give a shit. It went down pretty well and I'm still alive."
How disturbingly Freudian. I wonder if he followed it up with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. No comment yet from mum Doris. But yesterday, Keith's "people" were all over it. A Rolling Stones spokesperson issued a damage control statement saying: "It was an off the cuff remark, a joke, and it's not true. File under April Fool's joke." In an email to MTV, Richards' manager tried to laugh it off saying it was "said in jest...Can't believe anyone took [it] seriously."
I don't know about that. In the same article, Richards talks about his worst drug experience: shooting heroin that, unbeknownst to him, was laced with strychnine. "I was totally comatose but I was totally awake. I could listen to everyone, and they were like, 'He's dead, he's dead!', waving their fingers and pushing me about, and I was thinking, I'm not dead!" He declared the Arctic Monkeys & Bloc Party "rubbish" that in his days "wouldn't even get support billing for a Donny Osmond gig." And talks about his disappointment at the end of his 10 year run at the top of the Celebrity Death Pool. Although colorful, Keith's comments all seemed candid and honest.
Since the story became instant blog fodder, NME has issued their own statement regarding Richards' avowal, saying the remarks were "no quip, but came about after much thinking." Said interviewer Mark Beaumont: "He didn't offer the information, I had to ask him a couple of questions to get the information out of him. He didn't come straight out with that."
We will probably never know if if ol' Keef really did toot his departed dad's cremains or not. Personally, I suspect the legendary substance abuser did it; and then went out and really partied. While he may no longer be #1 in the Death Pool, this half of the Glimmer Twins may have a new ranking to make his daughters proud: the most shocking moment in rock & roll history. What do you think VH1?
March 28, 2007
Sunny Side Up
March 20, 2007
Even Steven
Ahhh, the first day of spring, total balance. Equal amounts of day and night. It's actually kind of cool. The one day where the sun is directly perpendicular to Earth's axis, hitting our planet at its celestial equator. The sun rises at exact east, lights our world for precisely 12 hours and sets at exact west. Ebony and ivory in perfect harmony. Oh wait, I meant these guys.
And the coolest thing about the Vernal Equinox? It's the one day where you can balance an egg on it's end. That's right. All those school kids you passed squatting in groups on the sidewalk over lunch today weren't burning ants. They were testing the forces of gravity, the wonders of physics and the magical power of the Equinox.
According to Snopes.com, "the Chinese are thought to have originated the practice of standing eggs on end this day. Just as the equinox symbolically restores balance to the world by signalling its rebirth after a season of darkness, the equinox literally balances the day by dividing it into equal portions of darkness and light. If the symbol of fertility (eggs) could be balanced during a day equally divided between day and night, this was the sign that all nature was in harmony."
I like the concept. But in actuality, you can balance an egg on any day of the year. You just need to find the egg's center of gravity, not our world's. It requires considerable patience and determination, but it's do-able. And I think this same equidistant stuff happens again later in the year. We call it the Autumnal Equinox that time around. So enjoy today for what it is, a new day. And know that each one after this, will be a little brighter.
March 06, 2007
Tail Grab
Brothel owners in Bulgaria are blaming global warming for staff shortages. They claim their best girls are working in ski resorts because a lack of snow has forced tourists to seek other pleasures. Petra Nestorova, who runs an escort agency in Sofia, said: 'We have hired students, but they are temps and nothing like our elite girls.'
Conceivably, climate change is responsible for poor business in Bulgaria's bordellos. Snow starved vacationists are heading to bunny hills off the mountain. Tsunamis are raging, ice caps are melting, and the head harlots aren't happy their loosing Lev. Understandable. We all know how hard it is to train in temps. Student temps no less. Although, I think the Bulgarians might need to tweak their study abroad program a bit. Does Travelocity let you add "hooker" to you ski vacation package yet? I bet that roaming Gnome knows.
"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet." - Jay Leno
February 27, 2007
The Hole Truth & Nothing Butt
I need to get back to the important stuff, e.g. Everest, cake decorating and cow farts. I was going to mention something about Al Gore's Nashville mansion using 20x more electricity and natural gas than the standard American household. Apparently this type of info is public and the Gore home paid over $30K in power bills last year. They used more energy in the month of Aug. than your average family uses in a year. But something more interesting happened last night, so you can look that up yourself.
I was returning to the living room when my wife reached out her hand to drop something in mine. "Lovely, she's sending me 'kisses'" I thought. Nope. Instead, she dropped a grayish-blue pellet of fluff, entwined with a pair of tell-tale hairs, into my palm. (No, not those hairs you dirty bird.) "Look what Paige just picked up off the floor and handed me," she said with a look of peevishness. I knew what it was at once; a ball of lint. Well, more precisely, a pill of belly button lint that had somehow escaped my own navel. Obviously, my wife has seen my little button bunnies enough to know what it was herself. She wasn't exactly charmed by the find.
I have a huge belly button. I'm not kidding. It's cavernous really. But I am not ashamed. That's just how it is. I have the Bat Cave on my tummy. Of course you couldn't actually park the Batmobile there. But I could probably position a Matchbox sized PT Cruiser inside if I really tried. Regardless, it's the stuff that often emerges from the depths of my umbilical scar that got me thinking: where does it all come from? I was astonished to find the array of research that's been done on the subject. The most comprehensive of which, was done in 2001, by Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki of the U of Sydney. Here's the lowdown on lint:
- Belly Button Lint (BBL) is made up of stray clothing fibers mixed with dead skin and strands of body hair.
- Contrary to popular belief, BBL migrates up from underwear, rather than down from tops. This is a result of the frictional drag of body hair on underwear, which is upwards.
- Women find less BBL because of their finer, shorter body hair. Older men experience it more because of their coarser and more numerous hairs.
- Navel lint's characteristic blue-gray tint is the averaging of the colors of fibres present in clothing. Often the same color of lint you find in your dryer trap.
- Pierced navels rarely harbor BBL.
- Your "Happy Trail" does have something to do with BBL levels.
More importantly, these little accumulations happen to most everyone, are entirely harmless and require no corrective action. Whew! My research also led me to the site of Graham Barker, the Guinness World Record holder for the largest collection of navel lint. All his own and gathered daily for the past 23 years. Impressive. Check out the sample pictures. I also learned about the art of Omphaloskepsis: contemplating one's own navel in aid to meditation. And, apparently, becoming its own religious movement. Not as impressive.
So there you have it. The ins and outs of belly button lint; with a little extra fluff.