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Ice box not keeping your borscht cold enough? Fetzer valve leaking fluid from your AvtoVAZ Automobilny? Fret not my Ruskie brothers, for today is your lucky day. That's right, it's that time of year again. Merry Conception Day comrades!

If the Kremlin's a rockin', don't come a knockin'. Two years ago, Provincial Governor, Sergei Morozov, declared September 12th "Family Contact Day" for all of Ulyanovsk and encourages citizens to go home and roll in the hay. What makes Sept. 12th so special, you may ask? 9/12 is exactly 9 months from the 6/12 National holiday of "Russia Day"! Families who "give birth to a Patriot," on Russia Day, get to put their living raffle ticket into a hopper and win fantastic prizes such as cash, a refrigerator or a car! Pozdravlyayu!

According to Reuters, the celebration, coined "Conception Day" by Russia's press, was prompted by the declining birth rate. Just like Swiss glaciers, the population of Russia is also shrinking. In fact, the largest country on Earth is close to the least populated. As deaths continue to exceed births, the number of Russian residents is decreasing by about 700,000 people a year. Uvidimsya! Russia's high rates of AIDS, alcoholism and suicide seem to be the major factors in this decline. Good times.

Gov. Sergei permits couples to work only a half day, allowing them to leave early to return home to spawn. From Russia with love. In Family Contact Day's first year, 311 would-be baby makers signed up to just do it. 9 months later, 46 little babushka's were birthed. Last year, 500 women registered for the reproduction rally. On 6/12/07: 78 babies were born. That's a 4.5% increase in the birth rate since the event was conceived. Mother Russia is pleased.

The thing that intrigues me the most though, what were those 189 ladies thinking in 2005? Who turns down a government approved get-out-of-work-free-card with the added bonus certificate of afternoon coitus? What about the hundreds of (presumably more) other women who are at work, right now, choosing to stay there rather than take the day off to fornicate with their mate? Talk about an iron curtain.