4 Alarm Holiday

Here you go Mrs. M. The twinkling is hard to capture in a photo. That's the part I like best, but I did get some fresh falling snow. Awwwww.

"Is your house on fire, Clark? No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights."

Well Thought Out Twinkles

“The Holidays” are here. Everyone is wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the season. I know I am, at least. So much to do, only 19 shopping days left. Our older girls love the holiday lights on people’s homes. LOVE them. Every time they see a house that’s decorated, they both scream “Christmaaaaas!” If four houses in a row are lit up, you will hear four Christmaaaaas’ in a row. It’s not even annoying. So, knowing how much they enjoy this and, I’ll admit, to keep up with the Joneses a bit, I decided to wire the little dogwood at the end of our front walkway. I planned out the design for a week. I did it right too; lights, cords, a photocell timer. I even had a buddy help me rewire the closest outside outlet. I did several strings of solid white lights and several strings of “twinkling” that I planned to intermix. That should have produced a beautifully glowing white with random sparkles. And you know what? It did just that. The girls squealed with glee when they noticed the brilliantly lit tree in their own front yard. I was pretty proud of myself too. Except for that one hole on the right side.

I tried to leave well enough alone. I really did. The Mrs. insisted there was no “hole”; but I could see it. After a few nights it's all I could see. So, the other day, I stopped by Menards and picked up one more string of lights. I pulled out the ladder, plugged it into the end of one of those twinklers and meticulously wrapped it around the non-illuminated branches of the upper right quadrant of the dogwood. My masterpiece of flaming holiday festivity was now complete. Wanting to share the joy, I ran inside and grabbed the girls so we could all admire my handiwork in the warmth of the other side of the living room windows. We got there just in time to see the tree seemingly extinguish itself.

Did you know those light strings have fuses? I’ve also learned that those fuses are exactly why they tell you, on that little warning tag, not to string more than 3 sets of lights together. A landscape-architect friend was pretty surprised I initially had 11 running all at once. #12 did the trick though. Pop. Last night, as I worked through the entanglement of Christmas lights trying to identify the bum wire, I was not a happy Santa’s helper. I ended up removing all 12 strings in the 12 degree cold. I have a new design that I will implement this weekend though. Wish me luck. And if I don’t get back here to post anything in the next couple weeks…Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. See you next year!

Await

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” - Morrie Schwartz

Today, our good friends, K&J, will board an airplane that will take them to the country of Kazakhstan. They are going to meet two boys who will be joining their clan and their household will instantly double. In a few months they will all return to the US and the journey of four lifetimes will merge. The plan's been years in the making. You wouldn't believe the diligence required for this complex undertaking and you couldn't imagine the amount of waiting. I am so excited for this new family. I’m proud of my friend. May peace and felicity be with you and yours, today and always, my man.

It's a Super Tuesday

Fishy

Our older girls love the dolphin show at the MN Zoo. LOVE it. It is absolutely one of their most cherished activities. I suspect their current love of Ariel is directly related to their first love of dolphins. Since so many families seem to share this common experience, you could imagine my surprise when we entered Discovery Bay one August afternoon to find no line for the dolphin show. Usually, there are hundreds of abandoned baby buggies at the foot of the winding stairway that leads up to auditorium. I knew something was amiss as soon as I spied the empty stroller coral. Sadly, we were informed that one of the dolphins is pregnant and the dolphin show has been put on indefinite hiatus. It could even be on hold until this particular marine mammal births her baby. Not sad for the dolphins mind you; but for me, who had to explain to our girls why we weren’t going to see the dolphins that day…and maybe for a long time after. Surprisingly, they accepted the pregnant dolphin story hook, line and sinker. Even today, when something dolphin comes up, it’s highly likely one, or both of them, will say: “the dolphin show is having a baby”, followed by a sigh, but then a quick return to whatever they had been engaged in before dolphins had come up.

Fast forward to last week when I run across an odd little news item from the Pioneer Press regarding the dolphin show. Apparently, the zoo staff had significantly streamlined their story. Yes, one of the female dolphins, Allie, is pregnant and expecting next spring. However, April, Allie’s mother, who is not pregnant, is behaving as if she was. She’s also not eating. Zoo biologists can’t figure out why. To make matters worse, all this pregnancy and fake pregnancy is apparently making Semo, Allie’s babydaddy, really, really, horny. He’s chasing that mother-daughter tail as fast as he can and neither the mother or daughter are making it hard for him. Quite to the contrary.

The presence of a female and a male is all it takes with dolphins,” said Kevin Willis, director of biological programs at the Apple Valley zoo. “Dolphins are a species that are pretty easy to breed. They’re big, and they do it often. They’re not shy or secretive. Parents found themselves even having to explain the dolphin trio’s behaviors to their kids, Willis said. The dolphins were so sexually distracted that trainers had to cancel their shows.

What you talkin ‘bout Willis! It’s like a Jerry Springer cast you got swimming around up in there. Willis says: “all four will now be managed as breeding dolphins to get ready for next year's calf birth." Spree, Semo’s 7 y/o dtr. has so far kept her relationships platonic. "Until now, they'd been managed as show animals. So we just decided, with one confirmed pregnancy and one we're not sure about, let's just take away any stress, take away the show element of the day…Not an easy decision, but we decided we would just let those animals have a break." Except, from the sounds of it, those animals aren't resting much. Holla!

Contaminated

We received an email last night that appeared to be a side by side comparison of McCain and Obama’s tax plans, entitled: “2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE COMPARISON TALKING POINTS”. It was the type of viral email I wouldn't usually bother responding to, but, it came from family. I won’t say who, but they're born and raised in MN. And they’re parents. Old enough to be my parents, in fact. I’ve mentioned I’m from Massachusetts, right? Born and raised in Mass. Anyhow, here’s an example of of some of these “talking points”:

Sen. McCain on Income Tax: Single making 50K = tax $12,500 (No change). Sen. Obama: Single making 50K = tax $14,000 (Under Obama, your taxes could almost double!)

Voted against making English the official language: Sen McCain: No, Sen. Obama: Yes

You get the picture. Total Republican propaganda. So, in an attempt to reply to this nonsense as politely as I could, I did a little Internet research on this chain letter. First of, Snopes.com (the urban myth web site) has this to say:

Every recent presidential election cycle has brought e-mail forwards that paint the Democratic party candidate as a proponent of a "tax and spend" philosophy (who will inevitably implement significant tax increases on taxpayers across all income levels) and present the Republican candidate as a model of fiscal conservatism, and the example (here) fits this pattern....According to the Tax Policy Center's analysis (View Here) of the candidates' proposed tax changes, the primary difference between them would be distributional, with Senator Obama’s proposal favoring lower-income taxpayers and Senator McCain's favoring higher-income taxpayers. (Read the full post here.)

Second, and don't ask how I got from that to this, I just did and your hair band may be made with used condoms.

In November 2007, news emerged from China that some hair band manufactured there were found to have been made from recycled condoms. The prophylactic hair ties were discovered in Dongguan and Guangzhou, two cities in the province of Guangdong. The “secret ingredient” came to light when a young woman in Dongguan thought to investigate the hair bands given to her in a local salon after one began to fray, revealing an unexpected color inside.

I'm not sure which story grosses me out more. Wait, it's definitely used condoms in people's hair. Although, both are pretty offensive. Here's the full post, with pictures! And for gosh sakes, don't put those things in your mouth anymore.

Lactiferous

The folks at PETA have apparently sent Jerry Greenfield and Ben Cohen , better know to most of us as "Ben & Jerry" an odd little letter. In it, the animal welfare organization urges the ice-cream magnates to stop using cow's milk and replace it with human breast milk. "The breast is best!" they say. "Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream?"

They cite Swiss restaurateur, Hans Loche, who recently unveiled plans to include human breast milk in recipes on the menu at his restaurant, Storchen, as the inspiration for their idea. Their dumb, dumb, idea.

Damn right, it's better than yours

Gift

Every day there are thousands of people waiting for some kind of transplant to save their life. 30% of people in need find a donor from within their own family. 70% need the help of a stranger.

Right now, NASCAR is paying the $52 tissue typing cost for anyone who meets the eligibility criteria for the National Marrow Donor Program. A bone marrow transplant is often the only option people with Leukemia and Lymphoma have left to live. Donor's don't even have to be a "perfect match", but a patient does need a donor whose cells are as close to theirs as possible. We did the tissue typing this week. It's as simple as swiping 4 cotton swabs across the inside of your cheek, closing the envelope and dropping it in a mailbox. The eligibility determination is done on-line. It takes 10 solid minutes. If you pass, they send the typing kit to you in the mail. You send it back. You're on the Registry.

Go to www.marrow.org. Look for the "Event's" box on the right side and click on "NASCAR Foundation Drive". The drive ends Sept. 22.

Politicization

Your true political self?

The Anarchists Scare Me.

Really, they do.

McCain's speech is hours away and things are already getting tense downtown. Coast Guard boats with machine guns are cruising up and down the river. Clusters of cops, some in riot gear, are everywhere and we're a mile from the RNC. Traffic is totally erratic. A posse of protesters gathered on the South side of the river and had people heading towards the Capitol, over the Wabasha St. bridge, in staggered squads of 8-10. The sky is ominously overcast. Everybody here in the office is restless, at best.

The news is releasing more and more info on the anarchists. Apparently, they have been watched pretty closely over the last year. I suppose it wasn't that hard, seeing how they have their own web site and MySpace page. Police raided their home base, a banquet hall on Smith Ave., last Friday and confiscated a good amount of bad things. Plans that were, at least, discussed at one point or another included the possibility of kidnapping delegates, blockading bridges, using liquid sprayers filled with urine or chemicals on police and throwing marbles to trip police and their horses. But they do provide childcare to visiting anti-authoritarians who are coming to town. How weird is that?!

You can follow some of their actual chatter here, here and here on Twitter.

Bull On Parade

Although not as large scale as Monday’s protest, two smaller groups met in downtown St. Paul last night as their respective, and peaceful, events concluded. One was the 1000 person strong Poor Peoples March that started in Mears Park and was sponsored by the Poor People’s Economic Human Rights Campaign. Cheri Honkala, leader of the campaign, urged participants to remain pacific, pointing out the large number of children in attendance. She went as far as to single out the anarchists, that she knew had intermixed with the crowd, and said she would hold them personally responsible for any violence that occurred during their event.

As the march made its way down 7th, to the Xcel Center, the crowd suddenly tripled as they were joined by concert-goers leaving the Ripple Effect festival on the State Capitol lawn. It just so happened that Rage Against The Machine showed up, unannounced, to end the show. Police, however, seemingly chose to pull the plug on the concert rather than let the band play. Apparently, they were not included on the permit and the cops felt it was too close to the event’s 7PM curfew to make changes. Until this point, the crowd, who was predominantly hippy, had peacefully burned bundles of sage and grooved to the likes of Matisyahu, Michael Franti and WookieFoot. When RATM was denied access the stage, singer Zach De La Rocha and guitarist Tom Morello successfully riled up the gathering by jumping onto the lawn and leading a cappella versions of old RATM songs. Radio reports of a free Rage show had expanded the crowd to about 2000. Then, the band members started the now en-raged fans in a procession off the Capitol grounds, straight towards the heart of the RNC and the end of the Poor People’s March.

The crowd, which estimates put at 4000 by now, was stopped at the 8 foot fences that cordon off the RNC “security perimeter”. Honkala used a megaphone to chastise the riot police who were there to greet them. "We want to charge the folks that are in the Xcel Energy Center with crimes against humanity" Honkala said as the crowd chanted: “The whole world is watching!" The group peacefully disbanded after no one from the RSC came out to receive the subpoena.

30 minutes later, a smaller crowd of protesters re-formed in the middle of the 7th & St. Peter intersection to block traffic. St. Joseph's Hospital was placed on lockdown from about 8 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. due to the large protester presence. Police ordered the group to disburse. When they did not, it was declared an “unlawful assembly” and they disbursed the crowd themselves…using tear gas, bean-bag guns and concussion grenades.

Now, I'm not saying things wouldn't have gotten ugly downtown again if RATM did their thing or not (those anarchists are friggin' nutty), but I find it interesting that reports have the band, and the bodyguards that accompanied them, quietly exiting their parade soon after it left the Capitol lawn. Allegedly, people didn't know they weren't following RATM all the way to the RNC. But they can catch Rage when they play their show at the Target Center tonight! Seats are only $60 and available through Ticketmaster.

One State Two State Red State Blue State

Although the RNC kicked off with very little fanfare, due to the impending landfall of Hurricane Gustav, the Republicans are definitely in town. Word on the street is that NOLA was "spared" so they can now get back to business and get their party on. They’re promising to "rev things up" today. Gustav sure didn't hinder the rioters though. About 200 or so self-described "anarchists" splintered from the 10,000 person, and otherwise peaceful, anti-war protest yesterday. Property was destroyed and people were hurt. Cops and National Guard were forced to use tear gas and rubber bullets on the crowd. It was sad to see. It was sad to see the efforts of the other 9,800 people so undermined by their hurtful BS too.

SUSPENDED!

"My superiors weren't happy."

Say it ain't so! It's over before it started. What could they have possibly found offense with? That's nunsense, I say. Rev. Run says he was "misunderstood". At least there's still the Backgammon World Cup to look forward too.

Back In The Habit

The Olympics might be over, but fear not competition junkies; you can still experience the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat elsewhere. August is chock-full of events to get your sport fix on. The NFL pre-season kicks off. The ‘08 PGA Championship will be held in England. The World Track & Field Championships are in Goteborg, Sweden. The US Open, Backgammon World Cup and National Hot Air Balloon & World Body Surfing Championships are all being held in the U.S. But the most exciting competition coming down the Pike has to be: “Miss Sister 2008”.

I ain’t talkin’ sibling or best friend sister-from-another-mister here. I’m talking nuns folks. As in Roman Catholic. As in taking permanent solemn vows of poverty, chastity & obedience. As in committing herself to a lifetime of prayer, meditation and service to the needy, sick, poor and uneducated. Mother Teresa, Agnes of God, Sister Act 2 type of nuns.

Miss Sister 2008 was conceived by Italian priest, and school teacher, Rev. Antonio Rungi. His aim is to give nuns “more visibility within the Catholic church and to fight the stereotype that they are old and dour.” And what better way to do that than by posting their pictures on the Internet so the citizens of the world can ogle them and vote on which sister is the sexiest. Or, as Rev. Run puts it: "Vote for the nun they consider a model". He goes on to say: "We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits, but being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it."

Maybe so, but this is an awesomely awful idea. Good thinking Rev. The site's not yet up and running, but, trust me, I will keep you posted on the details of this impending train wreck.

Blogs by Catholic nuns.

Maybe You Should Have Uglier Friends

Deutsche Telekom, known Stateside as T-Mobile and in my house as the company that collect our cell phone bill each month, has made a few changes. Along with dumping Catherine Zeta-Jones as their spokesperson, they seem to be discontinuing certain services; such as the picture album I was so very fond of. "Get More" is what Catherine used to say. But she's gone and a lot of the "more" seems to be, well, no more. Their new tag line is "Stick Together"; which I take to mean: "Sorry we screwed you by eliminating those fun and free services, but please don't leave us". It's more of a plea. T-Mobile is now offering land lines for your home though. Yippee? That move doesn't even make sense to me. I’m sure it was costly though. And so it goes.

I was glad to hear, from more than one person, that my pic site was down. That means it’s actually getting looked at. So, I decided it was a worthwhile ingredient of Humdrummy and looked into keeping it in the recipe. Snap shots can now be seen on a spankin’ new Google Web Album. The permanent link in the sidebar has been updated. It’s definitely not as easy for me to post pics, as I can’t simply hit send from my handheld, but now I can upload quality shots from a real camera. The down side, however, is that I have to upload shots from a real camera. Which means more work. And time. Which I don’t have much spare of. Time that is. The work is endless. But I digress.

Check out some new shots of the fam.

Original Wisconsin Ducks

Babies require a lot of attention. Toddlers require a lot of supervision. With all the attending and supervising I’ve been doing lately, I don't have much time for anything else. Things like lawn mowing and dental maintenance and blogging have to be put on the back burner. I really need to get a chipped molar fixed, but I decided to jot a few line here instead. Decisions, decisions.

Just got back from a dream vacation in the Dells though. That’s Wisconsin Dells, WI. if you ain’t from around here. The Dells of the Wisconsin River are a scenic, glacially-formed, gorge that feature striking sandstone rock formations along its banks. It’s also the primo family vacation hot spot for the upper Midwest! 5 million people pour into this little city every summer to slide their asses down the thousands of indoor/outdoor rides in one of the city’s 21 waterparks. The “Waterpark Capitol of the World” it is! There are drop slides, water coasters, wave pools, racing slides, river rapids, bowl rides and geysers galore. 70 acres of water slide to be precise. Go-karts, mini-golf, bungee jump cranes and dangerously unstable carnival rides fill the space between parks. Plus, they sell liquor in the gas stations. It’s cheesy as hell, but we had a blast. I think it helped that we stayed at a resort on the edge of town, so we were able to avoid all the nonsense that happens in the evenings on “the strip”. We were tipped off to this family friendly lodge by friends who have made it an annual trip. So we took the plunge and plopped down some substantial coin. We carted in most of our food and, pretty much, blocked out the world during our stay. Our tots are serious tadpoles. We just finished up parent/child swim lessons and this was a great way to test out their skills. I think they do best at sinking like rocks. But they are not afraid! We were ever vigilant in our life-guarding. They kept us on out toes, to say the least. But every morning we were at the park the moment it opened. They couldn't’t get enough of it. I have to admit, I never expected to have as much fun as I did. Baby had a great time too. I think. Maybe it wasn't much different for her. Nap, eat, nap, eat, spit-up, coo, nap some more. At least she had a lot to look at. And I mean a lot. You wouldn’t think it, but bikinis in Wisconsin are popular. They really shouldn't be. We spent our last day visiting the Mrs' Alma matter in Madison. They dress appropriately there. However, I was a little weirded out by how young college students look to me now.

My Country Tis Of Thee

July 4, 1776: Our forefathers at the second Continental Congress adopted the Declaration Of Independence and broke free from the British empire by proclaiming themselves a sovereign nation. And so began life in these United States. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't until August 2 that John Hancock put his, er...John Hancock on the actual hand written Declaration. Here are some more Fun Facts from the US Census Bureau:

2.5 million: The estimated number of people living in the newly independent nation In July 1776. 304 million: the nation’s population on this July Fourth.

More than 1 in 4: The chance that the hot dogs and pork sausages consumed on the Fourth of July originated in Iowa. The Hawkeye State was home to 17.6 million market hogs and pigs on March 1, 2008. This represents more than one-fourth of the nation’s total. North Carolina (9 million) and Minnesota (6.7 million) were the runners-up.

About 4 in 10: The odds that your side dish of baked beans originated from North Dakota, which produced 42 percent of the nation’s dry, edible beans in 2007. Another popular Fourth of July side dish is corn on the cob. Florida, California, Georgia and New York together accounted for 60 percent of the sweet corn produced nationally in 2007.

52%: Potato salad and potato chips are popular food items at Fourth of July barbecues. More than half of the nation’s spuds were produced in Idaho or Washington state in 2007.

Nearly 3 in 4: The chances that the fresh tomatoes in your salad came from Florida or California, which combined accounted for 73 percent of U.S. tomato production last year. The ketchup on your burger or hot dog probably came from California, which accounted for 96 percent of processed tomato production in 2007

$207 million: The value of fireworks imported from China in 2007, representing the bulk of all U.S. fireworks imported ($217 million). U.S. exports of fireworks, by comparison, came to just $14.9 million in 2007, with Japan purchasing more than any other country ($3.8 million).

$4.7 million: The 2007 dollar value of U.S. imports of American flags. The vast majority of this amount ($4.3 million) was for U.S. flags made in China.

$107.2 billion: Dollar value of trade last year between the United States and the United Kingdom, making the British, our adversary in 1776, our sixth-leading trading partner today.

11: Number of Americans who died in 2006 from fireworks.

9,200: Number treated in U.S. emergency departments for fireworks-related injuries.

$21 million: Cost of direct property damage from the 2,200 reported structure, or vehicle, fires caused by fireworks in 2004.

DIY

"I feel fine" says George Chandler, after a 2.5" nail was removed from his brain last Friday.

Friend, Phil Kern, was helping the 60 year old build a deck on the back of his Shawnee, Kansas home when the cord to the pneumatic nail gun he was using became entangled in a children's toy. The device discharged as Phil worked to get the knot undone. The pair looked for the rogue projectile, but found nothing. Then George said he felt a "sting" on the top of his head. The two tool men put two and two together and Phil spotted the metal fastener planted in his chum's cranium.

Phil told George to sit down and called 911. He was awake and alert the whole time. "It never did really what you call hurt" explained George. The operator told Phil to leave the nail in his noggin and wait for the ambulance. So George just sat their and waited for the ambulance with his hat stuck to the left side of his head. You know, because it was nailed there.

Upon arrival at Overland Park Regional Medical Center, George was told that his injury wasn't serious and put in the waiting room. When George's number was finally called, the Docs on duty failed to dislodge the nail with the tools on hand. The ER Dr. then made an unusual request. "He looked at me and said, 'I need a claw hammer,'" tells Chandler . "I thought, Ah, he's just teasing." I can't imagine what was going through George's head, besides the nail I mean, when a maintenance worker showed up with a hammer. "He got a screwdriver at the same time, and he took the screwdriver and pried the nail up a little bit and got the claw hammer..."

I'll leave it at that. True story though. George says he has a headache, but is otherwise well. According to family, if the nail had entered George's head a mm lower, it could have left him blind, unable to speak and/or paralyzed.

HGTV Tip Of The Day: Use an old fork to hold a nail while hammering to protect fingers from being smashed. Start at home.

If you're telekinetic and you know it...raise my hand.

Footnote

Back in March I mentioned a peculiar news item involving right, athletic shoe clad, organs of locomotion washing up on the coast of British Columbia. Get this - A fourth foot was found five days ago.

How creepy is that! 4 human feet in 10 months and police haven't a clue as to where they came from or who they belong to. I'm glad to see the Mounties are no longer treading lightly and are now treating the findings as "suspicious". I guess they're a little more laid back in Canada. I would call the first foot suspicious. A fourth is just unnatural and, quite frankly, freakish.

Curtis Ebbesmeyer, the world's authority on floating, is still involved with the case and providing more Fun Facts too: "When bodies decompose in water they come apart in 10 pieces, two arms, two legs, two feet, the head and the torso. So, given four right feet have been found we have to wonder what's happened to the rest. There should be 40 body pieces, yet all that's being found are right feet." Apparently, Curtis is not a math expert. I'm guessing he's not a hit at cocktail parties either.

Along with the latest foot, one plausible theory has also surfaced. Family members are calling on the cops to investigate a link between the 4 feet and an '05 plane crash, on the northern island of Quadra, where the pilot and 3 passengers remain missing. There could be a connection. However, it's exactly one foot away from factitious. One right foot, that is.

Occupied

So, today my friend Ken says: "Why haven't you been updating your blog?"

Ken doesn't have kids.

I didn't want this site to be all about my family life. It could easily have gone that way, but I chose against it. Right now though, my life is all about my girls; all 4 of them. That means this blog is taking a back seat. But just for the time being. We're still settling in and adjusting and not sleeping and practicing "1-2-3 Magic". I'll get some personal time again; eventually. I think. Family time is what is most important right now.

Ken will someday have his own child. And I will laugh and laugh when he tries to tell me about the crazy days he's having. It's the kind of crazy you have to live through yourself to fully comprehend; to fully appreciate. Mark my words my friend: Crazy days await you! Crazy wonderful days. Mark my words.

It was our second delivery and third daughter. To be honest, I was a little "been there, done that" about it. I know now that was just plain ignorance. Once the labor started, I was enlightened. I can't even explain the joy and wonder of watching my child come into the world. I was bawling like an infant myself.

All went well. My wife is an astonishing baby maker. She was tired and sore, but decided to leave the L&D ward the next day. This after only half her body felt the effects of the epidural. We figured that, even with two toddlers and all the family running around, it would be more restful than the hospital. It would at least be home.

Mom and baby continue to do great. Dad is still in a state of euphoria. It's mind blowing to simply watch our 19 inch newborn and her 3 foot siblings (who can't get enough of "baby sister") interact. All the hard parts of child raising seem to have escaped me; at least for the moment. The world is beautiful and life is miraculous. I'm sure things will change as time moves on and the diapers & laundry pile up, but one thing, I know, will not - the practically ineffable happiness that my girls bestow upon me.

Welcome to the family Sadie Jane.

In a Family Way

I've been a little preoccupied as of late. Hence, the lack of recent updates here. We're expecting a special delivery, the stork kind, and I've been busy with things other than adding to this site.

I trust you understand and can bare with me. When there's news to report, I'll certainly let you know.

Speaking of little bundles of joy - Big ups to Mr. Andy and Mr. Todd! Although it would have been pretty funny to say they had a baby together, they didn't. But they did make some new ones with their lovely wives. Congrats fellas!

That's Gonna Leave A Mark

Most folks I know celebrate Easter by waking up, searching for eggs and dashing off to church before converging on someone's home to break bread with family. It's quaint. In the Philippines, they crucify each other.

Fortunately, this year, the Philippine government is warning citizens that crucifixion may be "bad for health". It seems that many people there get really passionate for the Christ and reenact His last days on Earth. For many, it means lashing their backs raw with whips. For others, it means being nailed to a cross. With real nails. Through their hands and feet.

For the record, the Philippine government, and the church, frown on the practice. However, the Easter tradition seems to grow more popular each year. In fact, this years festivities were co-sponsored by Coca Cola and, cell phone company, Smart Telecommunications. I'm not kidding. Smart was promoting a new hands free bluetooth headset coming out this Spring. (Now I'm kidding.)

The Health Dept. urged participants to practice hygienic lashings, use sterilized 6" nails and make sure their tetanus shots are up to date. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, after all.

"We are not trying to go against the Lenten tradition here because whipping has somewhat already become some form of atonement for sins for some of us" said Health Secretary Francisco Duque the 3rd.

I complained that the brass band at my service was out of tune.

Happy Easter

Flubber

Some dates we never forget; birthday, 9-11, the first time you saw Seam play live at the Lounge Ax. Thursday, November 12, 1970 will be one of those days for Mr. Walter Umenhofer. While Neil Armstrong walked on the moon only months before, this was the day Mr. Umenhofer's Oldsmobile was crushed by a 300 pound chunk of falling whale blubber in a Florence, OR. parking lot. He just happened to be there on business. That's something you remember.

A few days earlier, a dead sperm whale was spit out by the Pacific ocean and found its final resting place on the sandy shores of an Oregon beach. And there it lay. And stunk. And laid and stunk a few days more. Because the beach was a public right of way and, presumably, no one else wanted to deal with a decomposing whale carcass, the duty of its disposal fell upon the Oregon Highway Dept. Since they didn't have much dead whale dispersal experience, they decided to do what they did know how to do...blow it up.

Plans were drawn, a crew was brought in and a trench was dug. Said trench was filled with 20 strategically placed crates holding 50lbs. of TNT each. A crowd gathered to watch the OHD blow the whale back into the ocean. What was left, they figured, would be easily cleaned up by the seagulls. So they exploded the 8 ton whale and, as they say about the best-laid plans, things went awry.

The event went on to become legendary. I had never heard of it until this week. Fortunately, for me and you, the whole bloody mess was captured on film by the local news. It's got to be the oldest "viral video" I've ever seen. I've watched it 4 times and even just now I laughed out loud thinking about it. My favorite line from the whole fiasco:

"Fortunately no humans were hit as bad as the car. However, everyone on the scene was covered in small particles of dead whale."

The Exploding Whale Video

I See Your Phalanges

By Jove, there's mystery afoot! We may have gotten 3 feet of snow this winter, but Vancouver got 3 feet.

In August of 2007, a white and blue sneaker washed ashore on Jedidiah beach; a tiny isle in the Strait of Georgia between Vancouver Island and Vancouver, British Columbia. It wouldn't have been so strange, except the sneaker contained a severed human foot. A right, size 12, male foot, to be precise. Six days later another right, size 12, gym shoe, containing a second severed foot was found on Gabriola Island. Then, last month, a 3rd human right foot, tied into a tennie, was found on neighboring Valdes Island. Rule of three.

"This is the first incident in recent memory where we've had three such similar sets of remains come to our attention in a certain time frame and a certain geographic area," said B.C. assistant deputy chief coroner Jeff Dolan. Curtis Ebbesmeyer, an expert on things that float and where they float to (really) has commented on the case as well: “Running shoes are quite buoyant. They would tend to encase a foot and keep it floating. A body comes apart naturally; it’s called disarticulation. The head usually comes off first. The parts of the body that are protected will last the longest. The shoe usually floats soles up, so that might prevent the seabirds from pecking at it.”

So that, graphically, answers how 3 human feet might make it back to land, but how did they get into the water? A spokesperson for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police called the odds of 2 different right feet washing up on shore in a 40 mile radius "a million to one". Now there's a third. What do you think those odds are?

I'll go out on a limb here, but because they were still in their shoes, I suspect those feet weren't planning on leaving their legs. If foul play is to blame, I sure hope they're able to catch the heel that's responsible. Unfortunately, police are stumped and investigators are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Save for one sole lead, the cops don't have a leg to stand on. And that lead? The RCMP are following up on a tip that one victim goes by the name, "Ilene".

We Will, We Will, Barack You

The cult of personality that is Obamamania appears to be on its way to Democratic victory. That train is gaining momentum faster than Rush Limbaugh can say "Barack Hussein Odumbo".

I can say, without divulging too much info about my political affiliation, that I am not complaining about that. I'll say that my candidate is still in the race too. Unfortunately, at this point, I don't see the gal making it to the finish line though. If she did, it would mean the superdelegates went against the popular vote, thereby f'ing with the democratic system and creating a new hanging chad scenario. Now that would make me mad. Oh, and my father called me a "flaming liberal" on the phone the other night. He meant it in the bad way too. But, Barack Obama is a fine, fine, candidate. To be honest, I'm smitten with the guy myself. It's just that that one candidate's platform most closely matched up with my own personal political views. And that's what we should be voting on, right? The issues? Plus, I'm still slightly, just slightly, concerned about Mr. Obama's experience. I didn't say age mind you; I said experience. I kind of think Senator Obama might make an even better President in 2012.

But people want to be inspired and Barack Obama is doing that. I love it. Record numbers of voters are participating in the electoral process. It's amazing to see, but freaking me out a little at the same time. There are Obama cakes, Obama clothing, Obama jewelry, Obama music videos, Obama Valentine's Day cards. The press is calling supporters "Obama-Maniacs". Detractors are calling them cultish and have compared him to Jim Jones and David Koresh. He received a 17,000 person ovation for blowing his nose at a speech in Dallas on Tuesday. Those last two are ri-diculous, I know, but then you read something like this, attributed to actress Halle Berry: "I'll do whatever he says to do...I'll collect paper cups off the ground to make his pathway clear." That's weird Halle.

Nevertheless, the first half of the race is coming to a close and, in the words of Sen. Hillary Clinton, “It's time that we move from good words to good works, from sound bites to sound solutions.” Word to your mother Hil.

And in case you saw Barack Obama and Halle Berry in the same sentence and instantly wondered what their love child would look like as I did...It ain't that pretty at all. Here you go:

Almost Perfect

"As Mike Tyson would say, 'Everybody has a plan

until they get punched in the face.' "

-NY Giant, Michael Strahan

I'd Love You To Love To Investigate

I finally heard back from the Fantastic people.

Annie's Inc. Customer Relations Associate (Fantastic is apparently owned by the Annie's Naturals folks) Rani Ponds said: "I just wanted to check in with you regarding the foreign object you found in your box of Vegetarian Chili...We would love to investigate the matter further." She went on to offer us a "care package" and a pre-paid UPS return label so I can send the candy and the original box back to them. "I apologize for any distress finding this foreign object may have caused you and thank you very much for notifying us...I can't imagine how this got through the process."

Does that sound sincere? I though it did, at first, but now I'm not certain. I'm sure every food company has to deal with their own Kentucky Fried rat or mouse in a Coke bottle scenarios, so I can understand why they would be sceptical. I'm eager hear what they have to say once they actually receive the caramel and the box. I of course saved them both, just in case they questioned the truthfulness of my own claim.

After this, and the "care package", I'm not sure I'll ever hear back from them though. I'll let you know if I do. In the mean time, ever wonder how likely you are to eat your friends? I mean in the un-likely event you find yourselves stranded in the wilderness without food, of course. Well, this will tell you exactly how likely. Myself, I'm 52% likely to eat my friends. I thought it would have been higher. So tuck that away in a little spare pocket of your brain and remember that it just may behoove you to make sure there's someone in the back seat should we be road-tripping it somewhere. May I suggest...Ken.

52%

Surprise Inside Every Box

My friend Ken gets a kick out of the complaint letters I send to companies. I don't do it all that often. I send letters of recognition almost as much too. But when something ticks me off, I do feel a need to make my ticked-offedness known. Sometimes my gripes fall on deaf ears. Sometimes not. Case in point: the lovely folks at Potter Barn Kids who sent us a $200 gift card after my daughter slashed her sister across the nose with one of their place mats. That healed just fine and we got a nice lamp out of the deal.

Just kidding. We didn't take her pain and suffering money and buy a lamp with it. We still have the gift card. But we will probably use it to buy a lamp. Anyhow, instead of telling you my recent chili story, let me just show you the letter I sent off instead.

My veggie wife and I have been long time Fantastic fans. However, this weekend we happened upon an unfortunate surprise. As I began preparing a batch of Vegetarian Chili, I noticed an odd clump in the mix. I gave it a few stirs, but the lump didn't break up as I expected. So I picked it out of the pot and discovered a hard, oval shaped piece of something that was not textured soy protein. I rinsed it off to reveal a smooth, coffee with cream colored object, shaped like a marble squished half way down. We had no idea what it could be, but after holding it in my fingers for a while, the object started to feel tacky. When I cut, really broke, one end off with a pair of scissors, I realized what it was. To my dismay, I found myself holding a half eaten Werther's Original, or some other brand of, hard caramel candy.

I am thoroughly grossed out. WTF?

I kept the original Chili box, as well as the partially sucked piece of candy that came inside it, should you want to examine the nasty little thing for yourself.

I provided the lot # and SKU as well, but have yet to received a response from Fantastic World Foods. I also left out the fact that I licked the damn thing in an early attempt to reveal the mystery nugget's true origin.

Angennifer

The imaginative editors over at US Magazine have posted a poll of their own to kick off the 2008 election season: Who Has The Hotter Bod - Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? As I write this, the pair are in a dead heat. With a total of 11483 votes, I'm looking at a tie. That's hot. It's like Hillary vs. Barack but with less clothes. And talking. Plus, its a lot easier to follow than the NH primaries. Thank goodness a media outlet like this has the the balls to bring what we, the people, want. Democracy only works when you participate, so get your votes in!

Speaking of balls,what's up with Jennifer's?

Savory

Beautiful Albert Lea, MN. Population 18K. County seat of Freeborn Co. Total area: 12 square miles, with only 2 of those covered by lake water. Birthplace of Marion "Mrs. C." Ross as well as the little recipe guide, made out of index card pages, that's anchoring a row of cookbooks in my kitchen. It's called "Our Favorite Appetizers". I'm not sure who put it out, but if I had to guess, I'd say some ladies in a church basement had something to do with it.

Boasting a hefty index, this bantam book of hors d'oeuvres is guaranteed to get things cooking. Dips, nuts, dumplings, tarts, soups and wraps are all served up with distinctive Southern MN flair. We, in fact, followed it's instructions to create an ambrosial artichoke spread that was a hit at this year's Christmas party.

Unfortunately for you, you're not going to find this book at Borders or Amazon. And a quick search on eBay proved fruitless. This just isn't the type of text any culinary cuisinier worth his or her weight in beans would part with. Allow me to show you just why that is. Here is my favorite entry. Quick, grab a pencil & paper. Ready? Start with 8oz. of that creamy, fatty, liver-based, soft sausage called Liverwurst. Add 8oz. Cream Cheese, 1 chopped Onion, 1tsp. Worcestershire, 1/2 tsp. Lemon Juice and Salt & Pep to taste. Mix well. Serve on crackers and pâté! I mean...Par-tay! How can you go wrong with Liverwurst dip? That's right, you can't.

Other notable entries include:
"Meatballs Deluxe"- Ingredient #2: Monosodium Glutamate. De-Luxe & De-Lish!
"Cold Pizza"- Crescent Rolls, Cream Cheese, Mayo, Ranch Salad Dressing & Broccoli. I shudder at the thought of my dog snatching one of these puppies of the counter.
"Bread Dip"- Which you serve with bread.
"Hot & Easy Shrimp"
"Nibblers"
"Hot Sausage Balls"
"Bread Fondue"- Also served on bread.
"Curry Dip"- Mayo & Curry Powder. But achieving just the right balance is tricky.
"Beef Cheese Log"- May taste even worse than it sounds.
"Hanky Pankies"

"Hot Mexican" dip

And last, but certainly not least, "Crock Pot Appetizers". Take 'Catsup', Vinegar, Mustard & Worcestershire and pour it all into a slow cooker. There's a few steps in between, but the last one is: "Add: Meat Balls, Stuffed Olives, Large Mushrooms, Chunk Pineapple, Shrimp, Cocktail Sausages"... and I think they mean all of it. Cook for a long time and Bam! I know it's not exactly Everyday Italian, but it is Semi-Homemade. So top that with parmesan Giada De Laurentiis! Them are good eats.

Happy 2008 everybody. Bon appétit!