The Hole Truth & Nothing Butt

Things seem to have taken on a serious and surprising cheerless mood around here. Sorry for the downer posts. I really didn't mean to sound preachy either. To be honest, I watch The Soup on E! almost every week. But the celebrity worship does bother me. And the stuff with BS and ANS and the media was bumming me out. And that lady on the bridge freaked me out...a lot. It wasn't the first time I've had to deal with that scenario either. It was the first time not knowing anything about the person though. It was the first time since becoming a father as well. I really do look at life differently now. But I'd like to stay away from sermonising here. At least until we're closer to Nov. 2008.

I need to get back to the important stuff, e.g. Everest, cake decorating and cow farts. I was going to mention something about Al Gore's Nashville mansion using 20x more electricity and natural gas than the standard American household. Apparently this type of info is public and the Gore home paid over $30K in power bills last year. They used more energy in the month of Aug. than your average family uses in a year. But something more interesting happened last night, so you can look that up yourself.

I was returning to the living room when my wife reached out her hand to drop something in mine. "Lovely, she's sending me 'kisses'" I thought. Nope. Instead, she dropped a grayish-blue pellet of fluff, entwined with a pair of tell-tale hairs, into my palm. (No, not those hairs you dirty bird.) "Look what Paige just picked up off the floor and handed me," she said with a look of peevishness. I knew what it was at once; a ball of lint. Well, more precisely, a pill of belly button lint that had somehow escaped my own navel. Obviously, my wife has seen my little button bunnies enough to know what it was herself. She wasn't exactly charmed by the find.

I have a huge belly button. I'm not kidding. It's cavernous really. But I am not ashamed. That's just how it is. I have the Bat Cave on my tummy. Of course you couldn't actually park the Batmobile there. But I could probably position a Matchbox sized PT Cruiser inside if I really tried. Regardless, it's the stuff that often emerges from the depths of my umbilical scar that got me thinking: where does it all come from? I was astonished to find the array of research that's been done on the subject. The most comprehensive of which, was done in 2001, by Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki of the U of Sydney. Here's the lowdown on lint:

• Belly Button Lint (BBL) is made up of stray clothing fibers mixed with dead skin and strands of body hair.
• Contrary to popular belief, BBL migrates up from underwear, rather than down from tops. This is a result of the frictional drag of body hair on underwear, which is upwards.
• Women find less BBL because of their finer, shorter body hair. Older men experience it more because of their coarser and more numerous hairs.
• Navel lint's characteristic blue-gray tint is the averaging of the colors of fibres present in clothing. Often the same color of lint you find in your dryer trap.
• Pierced navels rarely harbor BBL.
• Your "Happy Trail" does have something to do with BBL levels.

More importantly, these little accumulations happen to most everyone, are entirely harmless and require no corrective action. Whew! My research also led me to the site of Graham Barker, the Guinness World Record holder for the largest collection of navel lint. All his own and gathered daily for the past 23 years. Impressive. Check out the sample pictures. I also learned about the art of Omphaloskepsis: contemplating one's own navel in aid to meditation. And, apparently, becoming its own religious movement. Not as impressive.

So there you have it. The ins and outs of belly button lint; with a little extra fluff.

Heartfelt

Just yesterday I said that I didn't feel a need to discuss Britney Spears; but I have to do it again. Although it's Brittney related, it's not exactly about her. It's really about Craig Ferguson. If the name doesn't ring a bell, he's the blithe Scotsman who host's CBS's, aptly named, Late Late Show, with Craig Ferguson.

If you do know him, you may also know that Ferguson doesn't script his opening monologues. He picks a topic from the day, and as they say in the biz, riffs of it. It's all improv. I just happened to hear this fact on talk radio a few weeks ago. On Monday night, however, he delivered a slightly different kind of commentary than his audience is used to. It was funny, and there were jokes, but it was pretty serious. Very serious really. And I was surprised, and impressed, with what he chose to do.

If you've ever seen the Late Late show, you know that Ferguson can hit hit comedic targets fairly hard. And, like with most late night host, Britney Spears was a frequent mark. You would also know that Ferguson doesn't hide the fact that he's an alcoholic (who's on his 15th year of sobriety). In Monday's address, rather than starting out the show with a zinger about Britney's chrome-dome or 24hr. rehab stay, he mostly talked about himself, his own troubles with substance abuse and his struggles with recovery. He said that his main source of support is talking with others who share his problem. "They are very easy to find" he quipped. "Right there near the very front of the phone book." Before that, he described the time he prepared for his own death, on Christmas morning, a decade and a half ago. He joked that alcohol actually saved his life that day because he ended up drunk, forgetting his plans. He started rehab a few months later.

So how does Britney Spears enter the picture? After seeing photos of the newly exposed pop-star, Ferguson declared that he couldn't make jokes at the expense of the "vulnerable." He also verbalized concern that she may be dealing with the same kinds of issues he has faced himself.

"For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it," Ferguson said. "It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards...going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable. I think my aim's been off a bit." Ferguson also added, "Now I'm not saying Britney is alcoholic, I don't know what she is , alcoholic or not, but she clearly needs help."

Comedians are always claiming that those they offend just aren't "in on the joke." The media and paparazzi don't really seem to care who gets hurt in their search for what they consider news. I applaud Craig Ferguson for drawing a moral line, making himself so vulnerable, for reaching out to Britney, and for reaching out the rest of us as at the same time.

It's about 13 minutes, and worth the time to watch for youself.

Brit-Brit's Hair Has Its Own Web Site

You know, I really wasn't planning to say anything about Britney Spear's latest "oops". By now, I'm sure everyone has heard about, and probably seen, the events that transpired over the weekend. For me, it's like the Anna Nicole Smith story: sad. Now, I really don't know these people from Adam, but who could have imagined that K-Fed would end up looking like the most stable parent? It just seems to me that we are watching Britney Jean Spears come unwrapped; and it doesn't seem right. It's not a movie or music video; it's real life. She's a real person and a real mother of 2 young children. I know she keeps putting herself in front of the flashbulbs, but still. This isn't entertainment.

I don't understand the obsession with celebrity that seems to permeate every aspect of American culture. It's nothing new, I know, but it seems to be running wild. I think it affects the celebrities just as much as the celebri-wannabes too. Usually not for the positive. People seem to become addicted to the spotlight and do what they have to to stay in it; for better or worse. And we want to watch them. Sometimes, for the worst. Why do we "celebrate" these people to the extent we do? Why do we watch E.T. and Access Hollywood rather than the Evening News? Why do actors get $100K gift bags for 3 minutes of "work"? Or a new Maserati for showing up to a club opening? Why doesn't everyone know who Kimberly Oliver is? She didn't get a Maserati. Oh, don't get me wrong, I had to look her up myself. Same with Muhammad Yunus? It's shameful, I know. I'm embarrassed. But then again, the awards ceremony that honors our country's educators isn't incessantly hyped for 2 months and then broadcast on ABC, is it?

This illustrates my point about all the lusting over the beautiful people quite well. Check this out. It's billed as "The Ultimate Britney Spears Experience," as brought to us by Esther of Esther's Hair Studio. You know, the site of Britney's makeover. Apparently, the beautician has teamed up with Britney's hair and the pair have launched their own web site. For a mere $1,000,000.00, you could be the proud owner of, not just the the teen-queen's discarded split ends but also the razor she used, the empty can of Red Bull she was drinking and the Bic lighter she left behind. Unless there's competition. In which case, the souvenir goes to the highest bidder. And People are interested. I really don't think that she'll snag the million, but I wouldn't be surprised if she got more than my year's salary. Maybe even a few years worth. After all, it is "a piece of history that can't be duplicated". Who could resist? I see Brits hair opening for the Virgin Mary grilled cheese at a State Fair near you very soon.

Solemn

I had to dial 911 yesterday afternoon.

When I first started this whole blog thing, I mentioned that my office window provides me a view of the Robert St. Bridge as it spans the Mississippi River here in downtown Saint Paul. I'm a social worker for the county. Although I was on the job, my call was not exactly work related.

While packing things up for the day, I noticed a person on the bridge. It's a busy overpass and pedestrian traffic is common. But this person had stopped in the middle of the bridge; at it's highest point. And he stayed there, looking down at the water, for a very long time. Occasionally, he would lean over the cement barrier. It was almost chest high. But he would quickly back off and then pace the same 10 or so feet of sidewalk. He was dressed in a big parka with the hood drawn tightly around his face. I watched him for some time. A pattern soon became alarmingly evident. He would lean over the edge, back off, pace and lean over again; each time a little further. It was not typical sightseeing behavior. I started feeling very uncomfortable with the scene that was unfolding before me. Then one time, he leaned over the ledge and stayed there. Instead of jumping back, he lifted his left leg to the top of the rail and raised himself up; but fell back to the sidewalk after a few seconds. Those were a horrifyingly tense few seconds.

I placed a call to the Sheriff's deputies, who are stationed in our building, to let them know someone may be in need of help. When the man got his knee over the ledge a second time, I called 911.

Police and Fire vehicles arrived in less than 3 minutes. They blocked traffic from both directions and slowly made their way to the man in the parka. He stood very still the entire time. A short conversation took place and he quietly, and unassisted, took a seat in the back of one of the cruisers.

If, for whatever reason, you find yourself entering a nursing facility in Ramsey County (MN) and are under 65 years of age, it's more than likely that you will get a visit from me. Most folks are surprised at how many younger adults are admitted to such facilities. It's an unfortunate fact that many people don't know about until they, or a loved one, are facing the reality of it themselves. If it's happening to you, and we're meeting under these circumstances, your probably not having a great month. Tragically, I have met many (way to many) individuals who have attempted suicide and lived. Often times, they can't walk, or talk, remember their name, or breath without the aid of a machine. The thought of actually witnessing someone commit the act, made me sick to my stomach. I was literally shaking while on that call to the police. I was so thankful they arrived so quickly.

This morning, one of our Deputies stopped by my desk. He thanked me for the call and told me that the person, who was actually a woman, admitted that she was, in fact, trying to throw herself off the bridge.

Life is complicated. I truly hope that she is thankful the police arrived too.

Trouser Snakes On a Plane

This past Friday, a 66 y/o German tourist was arrested at Manila's Ninoy Aquino International Airport before he caught his flight back to Frankfurt. The Philippine Daily Inquirer reports that Hans Juergen Oskar von Naguschewski (♪ His name is my name too.) is scheduled to appear in court today, facing allegations of "alarm & scandal" and "acts of lasciviousness."

Apparently, so irked by security's request to submit to a second x-ray scan, a disgruntled Hans Juergen Oskar von Naguschewski chose to drop trow before proceeding through the machine another time. Security, however, did not find the bare-skinned German's antics amusing. Hans Juergen Oskar von Naguschewski was quickly collared and charged with "public scandal".

The airport's Assistant General Mgr. for Security told reporters that Hans Juergen Oskar von Naguschewski triggered the alarm on his first pass and the gate agents were only following policy. "He must have been annoyed that he was asked to walk through the X-ray twice so he took off his pants." The Inspector Clouseau-like Asst. GM also stressed that "What we are doing is being done and implemented as standardized international regulation in all international airports in the world."

Hans Juergen Oskar von Naguschewski has already appeared on Filipino TV apologizing for the incident; saying that he "did not understand the procedure." I'm sure he's plenty sorry too, because Herr von Naguschewski was transported from the airport directly to a police detention center where he will be held until his trial. If convicted, Hans Juergen Oskar von Naguschewski faces six months to a year in a Filipino prison. For his sake, I hope he doesn't get too "annoyed" with his cell mates.

Haute Couturegasm

Food, home and personal product giant Unilever (Axe, Dove, Slim-Fast, Ponds, Hellmann's & Vaseline) released the results of a new female sex study just in time for Valentine's Day. Apparently, when pitting sex against clothes, what women really want...is the clothes.

1000 ladies, from 10 US cities, were surveyed. More often than not, the group said they would give up sex for 15 months in exchange for a wardrobe full of new threads. 2% were willing to go a full 3 years for the same offer.

61% felt it would be worse to give up their favorite item of clothing than to go for a month without giving it up to their partner. Which isn't all that surprising, since on average, the women had been paired with that particular piece of clothing for 12.5 years - a full year longer than any romantic relationship they've had.

Not sure why this guy was was involved, but the survey included 2 cents from the Queerest Eye of them all, Carson Kressley: "Some people say clothes make the man, but the right clothes can even replace him." Thanks for the pearls C.K.

At least the passion isn't all gone. Almost three-quarters, 70% of the women surveyed, believe in love at first sight. Oh wait, that would be when recognizing that absolutely appropriate article of apparel for the first time. Only 54% were confident that they could spot the right fella. And for the ones who reckon they did? Almost half of the ladies reported that their favorite frock was more reliable than their man in making them feel "confident" and "sexy".

I'm sure this is news to some and long suspected by others. Personally, I say it's a sad state of affairs. Although I am happy to know that women can finally come out of the closet.

The Super Bowl Muffle

A few weeks ago we had a cold snap that kept us around 0 for a few days. I thought that -17 wind chill was crisp. This morning, the actual temperature is -17. The w/c: -34. Public schools stayed open, but many Twin Cities charter schools are closed today. Actually, the bus company that provides service to these schools requested it. Many of their buses run on bio-diesel. Apparently, at these temps, the fuel can turn to gel; ruining engines and potentially leaving bus loads of benumbed schoolchildren stranded on the road; or worse, at the bus stop. It was probably a good move.

Even though -17 is Siberia-like cold, it's probably nothing compared to the chilly reception #8 is going to get when he returns to the Windy City. I can't even say anything more about the game.

Although, I do wonder if Prince would have dropped as many balls?

I read a good joke in the Chicago Tribune this morning: A Bears supporter was driving home from the game when he spotted a Colts fan walking along the road. For fun, he swerved towards him, veering away just in time. Though he was certain he missed the guy, he heard a loud thud. The Bears fan glanced in his mirrors but didn't see anything. "What was that?" he asked his friend in the back seat. "I thought I missed that Colts fan." "You did" replied his friend, "But I got him with the door."

Bear Down