I'd Love You To Love To Investigate

I finally heard back from the Fantastic people.

Annie's Inc. Customer Relations Associate (Fantastic is apparently owned by the Annie's Naturals folks) Rani Ponds said: "I just wanted to check in with you regarding the foreign object you found in your box of Vegetarian Chili...We would love to investigate the matter further." She went on to offer us a "care package" and a pre-paid UPS return label so I can send the candy and the original box back to them. "I apologize for any distress finding this foreign object may have caused you and thank you very much for notifying us...I can't imagine how this got through the process."

Does that sound sincere? I though it did, at first, but now I'm not certain. I'm sure every food company has to deal with their own Kentucky Fried rat or mouse in a Coke bottle scenarios, so I can understand why they would be sceptical. I'm eager hear what they have to say once they actually receive the caramel and the box. I of course saved them both, just in case they questioned the truthfulness of my own claim.

After this, and the "care package", I'm not sure I'll ever hear back from them though. I'll let you know if I do. In the mean time, ever wonder how likely you are to eat your friends? I mean in the un-likely event you find yourselves stranded in the wilderness without food, of course. Well, this will tell you exactly how likely. Myself, I'm 52% likely to eat my friends. I thought it would have been higher. So tuck that away in a little spare pocket of your brain and remember that it just may behoove you to make sure there's someone in the back seat should we be road-tripping it somewhere. May I suggest...Ken.

52%

Surprise Inside Every Box

My friend Ken gets a kick out of the complaint letters I send to companies. I don't do it all that often. I send letters of recognition almost as much too. But when something ticks me off, I do feel a need to make my ticked-offedness known. Sometimes my gripes fall on deaf ears. Sometimes not. Case in point: the lovely folks at Potter Barn Kids who sent us a $200 gift card after my daughter slashed her sister across the nose with one of their place mats. That healed just fine and we got a nice lamp out of the deal.

Just kidding. We didn't take her pain and suffering money and buy a lamp with it. We still have the gift card. But we will probably use it to buy a lamp. Anyhow, instead of telling you my recent chili story, let me just show you the letter I sent off instead.

My veggie wife and I have been long time Fantastic fans. However, this weekend we happened upon an unfortunate surprise. As I began preparing a batch of Vegetarian Chili, I noticed an odd clump in the mix. I gave it a few stirs, but the lump didn't break up as I expected. So I picked it out of the pot and discovered a hard, oval shaped piece of something that was not textured soy protein. I rinsed it off to reveal a smooth, coffee with cream colored object, shaped like a marble squished half way down. We had no idea what it could be, but after holding it in my fingers for a while, the object started to feel tacky. When I cut, really broke, one end off with a pair of scissors, I realized what it was. To my dismay, I found myself holding a half eaten Werther's Original, or some other brand of, hard caramel candy.

I am thoroughly grossed out. WTF?

I kept the original Chili box, as well as the partially sucked piece of candy that came inside it, should you want to examine the nasty little thing for yourself.

I provided the lot # and SKU as well, but have yet to received a response from Fantastic World Foods. I also left out the fact that I licked the damn thing in an early attempt to reveal the mystery nugget's true origin.

Angennifer

The imaginative editors over at US Magazine have posted a poll of their own to kick off the 2008 election season: Who Has The Hotter Bod - Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? As I write this, the pair are in a dead heat. With a total of 11483 votes, I'm looking at a tie. That's hot. It's like Hillary vs. Barack but with less clothes. And talking. Plus, its a lot easier to follow than the NH primaries. Thank goodness a media outlet like this has the the balls to bring what we, the people, want. Democracy only works when you participate, so get your votes in!

Speaking of balls,what's up with Jennifer's?

Savory

Beautiful Albert Lea, MN. Population 18K. County seat of Freeborn Co. Total area: 12 square miles, with only 2 of those covered by lake water. Birthplace of Marion "Mrs. C." Ross as well as the little recipe guide, made out of index card pages, that's anchoring a row of cookbooks in my kitchen. It's called "Our Favorite Appetizers". I'm not sure who put it out, but if I had to guess, I'd say some ladies in a church basement had something to do with it.

Boasting a hefty index, this bantam book of hors d'oeuvres is guaranteed to get things cooking. Dips, nuts, dumplings, tarts, soups and wraps are all served up with distinctive Southern MN flair. We, in fact, followed it's instructions to create an ambrosial artichoke spread that was a hit at this year's Christmas party.

Unfortunately for you, you're not going to find this book at Borders or Amazon. And a quick search on eBay proved fruitless. This just isn't the type of text any culinary cuisinier worth his or her weight in beans would part with. Allow me to show you just why that is. Here is my favorite entry. Quick, grab a pencil & paper. Ready? Start with 8oz. of that creamy, fatty, liver-based, soft sausage called Liverwurst. Add 8oz. Cream Cheese, 1 chopped Onion, 1tsp. Worcestershire, 1/2 tsp. Lemon Juice and Salt & Pep to taste. Mix well. Serve on crackers and pâté! I mean...Par-tay! How can you go wrong with Liverwurst dip? That's right, you can't.

Other notable entries include:
"Meatballs Deluxe"- Ingredient #2: Monosodium Glutamate. De-Luxe & De-Lish!
"Cold Pizza"- Crescent Rolls, Cream Cheese, Mayo, Ranch Salad Dressing & Broccoli. I shudder at the thought of my dog snatching one of these puppies of the counter.
"Bread Dip"- Which you serve with bread.
"Hot & Easy Shrimp"
"Nibblers"
"Hot Sausage Balls"
"Bread Fondue"- Also served on bread.
"Curry Dip"- Mayo & Curry Powder. But achieving just the right balance is tricky.
"Beef Cheese Log"- May taste even worse than it sounds.
"Hanky Pankies"

"Hot Mexican" dip

And last, but certainly not least, "Crock Pot Appetizers". Take 'Catsup', Vinegar, Mustard & Worcestershire and pour it all into a slow cooker. There's a few steps in between, but the last one is: "Add: Meat Balls, Stuffed Olives, Large Mushrooms, Chunk Pineapple, Shrimp, Cocktail Sausages"... and I think they mean all of it. Cook for a long time and Bam! I know it's not exactly Everyday Italian, but it is Semi-Homemade. So top that with parmesan Giada De Laurentiis! Them are good eats.

Happy 2008 everybody. Bon appétit!