Bridge and f-holes

From Steven Isserlis to YoYo Ma to that dude from North Park who played on the Siamese Dream record, cellists everywhere are breathing a collective sigh of relief and thanking their lucky stars that their seed factories are out of harm’s way. The scourge of the violoncello world is no more! Actually…it never was.

The list of Repetitive Strain Injuries seems to grow longer each year. We continue to abuse and misuse our tools to the point of tissue damage and chronic pain. There’s "writer’s cramp", "tennis elbow", "Rubik’s wrist" and "Blackberry thumb". Until recently, there was also "Cello Scrotum". Often snicker about by the flautists in the orchestra pit; this distressing disease was no laughing matter to serious cellists. In fact, for over 30 years now, it has been the bane of their professional careers. Well, the players with dangly bits bane. Turns out, if they were having problems with their beanbag, it wasn't from playing the cello.

The hoax started, in May of 1974, when Dr. Elaine Murphy, and her husband John, responded to a letter in the British Medical Journal regarding the (bona fide) condition of Guitarists Nipple (a painful irritation of the nipples experienced by classical guitar players). Dr. Murphy, a former Professor of Psychiatry of Old Age at Guy's Hospital in London, now a Baroness and member of the British House of Lords, detailed the harrowing inflammation some cellists experience after rubbing their testicles on their instrument too much. Apparently, the Murphys, believing the original article to be a cock-and-bull story itself, decided to one-up the account with a made up malady of their own and Cello Scrotum was coined. As guitarists nipple is real, the BMJ considered the Murphy’s claim authentic and published the piece. They were stunned, but stayed mum. The sham syndrome was cited in a research article later that year and Cello Scrotum has been a diagnosable disorder ever since.

About a month ago, after seeing another real references to their bogus diagnosis, Baroness Murphy could remain silent no more and turned out another letter to the BMJ to tattle on her own transgression. “Perhaps after 34 years it’s time for us to confess that we invented cello scrotum.” They seem to still be laughing at their own joke too. “Somewhat to our astonishment, the letter was published...Anyone who has ever watched a cello being played would realize the physical impossibility of our claim.” The editors of the BMJ said no harm, no foul and appear to be glad they were let in on the gag.

Sweet. Now that the Baroness and her John came clean, we can all get back to wild, reckless, unprotected, cello jams, thank you!