The name is "Dumàss"

Anyone that's boarded an airplane in the last 5 years knows about the increased security measures at all the nation's airports. Albeit, tedious and slow-moving, airport security checks are a reality for anyone wishing to fly the friendly skies. And compared to some countries, we still get by with minimal inconvenience. So arrive early and be patient. That being said, it can be an aggravating requirement.

I recently went through these checkpoints myself. Supposedly, the TSA has relaxed some of the regulations. Which ones though, I'm not sure. I knew I was going to have to remove my shoes, but I was surprised when they insisted we remove those of our 1 year olds as well. And the double stroller wasn't allowed to be rolled through the metal detector. Instead, I was pressed to fold it up and pass it through the x-ray machine. I had to half way dismantle the thing to get it to fit. The nice man behind me, the father of twins himself, sympathised with our predicament and was very understanding. The folks behind him, not so much. But it was the emptying of the girl's water-filled sippy-cups that chaffed me the most. I thought I had heard that baby bottles were OK. Apparently not. Or at least not filled with more than 3oz. of fluid. The security officer was almost embarrassed by it, but he still ripped the little pink mug from my daughter's tiny fingers. She didn't like that. Those folks behind the nice man that was behind me were starting to jump into other lines now. The officer seized the 2 sippy-cups, along with 2 Avent bottles from our diaper bag that the x-ray machine deemed as possible threats to public safety, and walked about 12 feet over to the water fountain attached to the wall next to the last metal detector. Another agent joined him and the two proceeded to empty the contents of the containers down the drain, replace the caps and hand us back the empty vessels. Rules are rules, I know. But get this, the guy then tells me it's just fine if, once finished with security, I want to jump on over to that same water fountain and re-fill the bottles before we head to our gate. That was nice of him.

So why am I bringing this up now? Because of that dumb-ass football player, Michael Vick. Have you heard about this latest smooth move? On Wednesday, he aroused the suspicion of Miami International TSA screeners when he attempted to pass through security with a 20 oz. bottle of Aquafina. Vick, on his way to make an AirTran flight back to Atlanta, was then reluctant to hand it over to security. First off, AirTran? That cracks me up. Didn't the Falcons pay this guy $138 million? Anyhow, agents let him go after surrendering the bottle. However, they soon discovered why Vick didn't want to part with it. The reason: the bottle's label had been moved to conceal a hidden chamber in its base! When held upright, it looked like a full bottle of water. Agents opened the camouflaged compartment to find, you guessed it: "a small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma." HA! That nitwit was trying to smuggle contraband within contraband! It's only January, but that's got to get him at least nominated for stupid criminal of the year; don't you think?