That's Gonna Leave A Mark

Most folks I know celebrate Easter by waking up, searching for eggs and dashing off to church before converging on someone's home to break bread with family. It's quaint. In the Philippines, they crucify each other.

Fortunately, this year, the Philippine government is warning citizens that crucifixion may be "bad for health". It seems that many people there get really passionate for the Christ and reenact His last days on Earth. For many, it means lashing their backs raw with whips. For others, it means being nailed to a cross. With real nails. Through their hands and feet.

For the record, the Philippine government, and the church, frown on the practice. However, the Easter tradition seems to grow more popular each year. In fact, this years festivities were co-sponsored by Coca Cola and, cell phone company, Smart Telecommunications. I'm not kidding. Smart was promoting a new hands free bluetooth headset coming out this Spring. (Now I'm kidding.)

The Health Dept. urged participants to practice hygienic lashings, use sterilized 6" nails and make sure their tetanus shots are up to date. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, after all.

"We are not trying to go against the Lenten tradition here because whipping has somewhat already become some form of atonement for sins for some of us" said Health Secretary Francisco Duque the 3rd.

I complained that the brass band at my service was out of tune.

Happy Easter

Flubber

Some dates we never forget; birthday, 9-11, the first time you saw Seam play live at the Lounge Ax. Thursday, November 12, 1970 will be one of those days for Mr. Walter Umenhofer. While Neil Armstrong walked on the moon only months before, this was the day Mr. Umenhofer's Oldsmobile was crushed by a 300 pound chunk of falling whale blubber in a Florence, OR. parking lot. He just happened to be there on business. That's something you remember.

A few days earlier, a dead sperm whale was spit out by the Pacific ocean and found its final resting place on the sandy shores of an Oregon beach. And there it lay. And stunk. And laid and stunk a few days more. Because the beach was a public right of way and, presumably, no one else wanted to deal with a decomposing whale carcass, the duty of its disposal fell upon the Oregon Highway Dept. Since they didn't have much dead whale dispersal experience, they decided to do what they did know how to do...blow it up.

Plans were drawn, a crew was brought in and a trench was dug. Said trench was filled with 20 strategically placed crates holding 50lbs. of TNT each. A crowd gathered to watch the OHD blow the whale back into the ocean. What was left, they figured, would be easily cleaned up by the seagulls. So they exploded the 8 ton whale and, as they say about the best-laid plans, things went awry.

The event went on to become legendary. I had never heard of it until this week. Fortunately, for me and you, the whole bloody mess was captured on film by the local news. It's got to be the oldest "viral video" I've ever seen. I've watched it 4 times and even just now I laughed out loud thinking about it. My favorite line from the whole fiasco:

"Fortunately no humans were hit as bad as the car. However, everyone on the scene was covered in small particles of dead whale."

The Exploding Whale Video

I See Your Phalanges

By Jove, there's mystery afoot! We may have gotten 3 feet of snow this winter, but Vancouver got 3 feet.

In August of 2007, a white and blue sneaker washed ashore on Jedidiah beach; a tiny isle in the Strait of Georgia between Vancouver Island and Vancouver, British Columbia. It wouldn't have been so strange, except the sneaker contained a severed human foot. A right, size 12, male foot, to be precise. Six days later another right, size 12, gym shoe, containing a second severed foot was found on Gabriola Island. Then, last month, a 3rd human right foot, tied into a tennie, was found on neighboring Valdes Island. Rule of three.

"This is the first incident in recent memory where we've had three such similar sets of remains come to our attention in a certain time frame and a certain geographic area," said B.C. assistant deputy chief coroner Jeff Dolan. Curtis Ebbesmeyer, an expert on things that float and where they float to (really) has commented on the case as well: “Running shoes are quite buoyant. They would tend to encase a foot and keep it floating. A body comes apart naturally; it’s called disarticulation. The head usually comes off first. The parts of the body that are protected will last the longest. The shoe usually floats soles up, so that might prevent the seabirds from pecking at it.”

So that, graphically, answers how 3 human feet might make it back to land, but how did they get into the water? A spokesperson for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police called the odds of 2 different right feet washing up on shore in a 40 mile radius "a million to one". Now there's a third. What do you think those odds are?

I'll go out on a limb here, but because they were still in their shoes, I suspect those feet weren't planning on leaving their legs. If foul play is to blame, I sure hope they're able to catch the heel that's responsible. Unfortunately, police are stumped and investigators are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Save for one sole lead, the cops don't have a leg to stand on. And that lead? The RCMP are following up on a tip that one victim goes by the name, "Ilene".