Tease

My good friend, and college roommate, has been in town these past couple days. It's been so great to catch up and hear about his growing family and growing business. He's really bad with emails and texts and phone calls and keeping in touch with his best friends, so there's been a lot to talk about. Andy works with trucks now. And I mean the big rigs, 18 wheeled tractor trailers. Breaker One-Nine, this here's the Rubber Duck, you got a copy on me A-Rod? 10-4 good buddy. There's a mama bear on your tail, you better get to double nickles. Copy that. I still picture Andy selling cashmere sweaters in the men's dept. of Nordstrom. He's not exactly the "trucker" type, but seems to really enjoy what he's doing. It cracked me up to be driving down the road with him as he pointed out the make of every semi we passed. It was sort of like Slug Bug except he didn't hit me, yelled "Peterbuilt" or "Kenworth" and was pretty much playing with himself.

So last night we're at the local pub. Andy's telling me all about his 2 beautiful children and the discussion he's having with his wife concerning the naming of their soon to arrive third. I always expected his kids to be little "Kjerstens" or "Gunnars" because he's such a Swedophile. But he has bestowed strong Irish monikers upon his progeny and it sounds like that will continue. But I'm not sure. You just don't hear the name "Fergal" now a days.

Although my friend never reads this blog, I know his lovely spouse does. That makes this next part a little awkward, but I feel I should mention something. I'm hesitant because I'm not sure if Andy's going to say anything to his wife about this or not; but he was totally getting hit on the whole time we were there. It wasn't entirely one sided either. Actually, the flirting started as soon as we sat down. "See anything you like?" our blond and well manicured server, in tight khaki shorts, said coyly as Andy perused the tap list. That question was posed twice. The second time, I don't even think we were looking at menus. It was not a subtle come on. I swear Andy winked at him during one exchange too. Our waiter must have been by the table 5 or 6 times before he checked in with the hetero couple seated next to us. "How does it taste?" he asked a few minutes after delivering our plates; a wicked grin upon his face. His eyes locked on Andy the whole time. He ordered the grilled salmon & penne with beans & carrots, on our server's recommendation, by the way. I believe he told the waiter it was "divine." I thought it best we leave before he had another 10% Belgian beer and things got weird.

It was nice not to see an engorged body part on our guest when he woke up this morning. I think our server, on the other hand, would beg to differ. Probably beg for a little slap and tickle while he was at it as well. Anyhow, thanks for stopping by buddy! Hope to hear from you at least one time before lil' Fergal is born.

Preternatural

I ran across this photo while browsing Drudge over lunch and was frozen mid mouse click. I would have thought it was some sort of Photoshop contest, but I recognized the big guy instantly.

It's Bao Xishun, the tallest man in the world! What is that crazy behemoth of a Mongolian sheep herder up to now? Luckily for Mr. He Pingping it's not ventriloquism. For that, my friends, is Mr. He Pingping standing next to him. Bao's actually meeting the smallest man in the world! This is an unaltered photo folks. How weird is this scene?

The disproportionate encounter took place today in China. Curiously, both men hail from the same region of inner Mongolia. Bao Xishun, who stands 7ft. 9in. huge, was meeting the altitudinously challenged Mr. He Pingping as he was applying with the Guinness Book peeps to become the Earth's shortest man. Bao, aka: "The Mast", was Guinness certified as the longest beanstalk of a person back in Jan. '05. He beat the previous record holder, Tunisia's Radhouane Charbib, by a scant 0.078740 of an inch. However, while Mr. He Pingping stands at an astonishing 28.7401 inches high, it's not even close to the 26.5747 in. of Taiwan's Lin Yih-Chih, who is the current holder of the teensy-weensy Guinness title. So I'm not sure what the point is. Except, he did get to touch The Mast.

And who wouldn't be excited to meet him! Xia Shujuan was so enthralled by the lady-killer, she married the herculean herdsman last March despite being half his age and half his height. Bao can't wait to have kids. Xia had no comment. But the pair seem happy. They wed in a traditional Mongolian ceremony after Xia was hand picked from the more than 5000 responses Bao received after his "global appeal for a bride". The Mongolian paparazzi covered the nuptial rite that was sponsored by 15 companies and held at the Genghis Khan Holiday Resort. Everything from the liquor dunk at the wedding to the 9x7 wedding gift bed & 9.5' hand made camel hair blanket was supplied by a different outfit hoping to cash in on the celebrity's union.

As if all this isn't enough: world's tallest man, world's tallest groom, inner Mongolia's biggest cheese, add tallest amateur veterinarian & hero to the dolphins to that list. Yeah, the dolphins love Bao too! It all started last Dec. when 2 dolphin at China's Royal Jidi Ocean World mysteriously ingested shards of plastic. This resulted in, according to aquarium officials, "loss of appetite and depression". When attempts to surgically extract the fragments failed, vets turned to Bao, and his 42" appendage, for help. But Bao thought it best to use him arm. So they wrapped the dolphins' teeth in towels while Bao inserted his long limb down their throats & into their stomachs to retrieve the threatening debris and save their lives. Why the dolphins' bellys didn't contract and reject Bao's extremity like they did the surgical equipment is puzzling. Must be that it was less intrusive; like pulling a woman's appendix out her natural orifice. Bao "the Mast" Xishun, someone we can all look up to.

My name is Kobayashi. I work for Keyser Soze.

July 4, 2007: Joey Chestnut whacks Takeru Kobayashi at the 92 annual Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest! 50 thousand people jammed the boardwalk at Conney Island to witness "the Tsunami's" 6 year domination of the event come to an end. And poof; just like that, he's gone. Actually, it took 12 minutes.

Nagano Japan's Kobayashi, employing his patented "solomon method", set a personal record of 63 HDB's (that's Hot Dog with Bun) but wasn't able to match the, rather grotesque, gobbling power of US born Joey Chestnut (California not New Jersey). Chestnut ate out Kobayashi by swallowing a new world record of 66 dogs in the allotted 12 min. of competition. That's one every 10.9 seconds. I want to barf just thinking about that many wienies in my mouth. I bet Ken could handle it though.

The I.F.O.C.E. sanctioned event was broadcast live on ESPN (Thank you again ESPN!) and the pair were neck and neck (lips & assholes as well) the entire race. They each scarfed down 60 sausage in 60 seconds. The tally at the end was actually closer than the final 66-63 results. But the coveted Yellow Mustard Belt was Kobayashi's to loose. Unfortunately, at the close of the bout, he suffered from what the I.F.O.C.E terms a "reversal". I'm sure you can figure out what that means. Competitors receive credit for "anything in their mouths at the 12-minute mark, provided they can swallow it." Kobayashi couldn't swallow it. However, even without the penalty, Chestnut would have beaten Kobayashi by a dog or more.

I know it was the 4th of July and all, but I have to admit, I was sort of rooting for the little Japanese guy. I don't follow the sport closely, but Kobayashi is a legend in the field of competitive eating. I actually remember the first time he won the Nathan's contest in '01 because he was about 110lbs. and smashed the 25 dog record by eating 50. But a few weeks ago, the master-eater dropped a bomb in his own blog that stunned his peers. For two years now, Kobayashi has been dealing with severe pain from arthritis of the jaw brought on by the intensive training regiment he's maintained for so long. He wasn't even sure he could compete in this year's event. “My jaw has given up the fight” lamented Takeru. He described the arthritis as so acute, that he could only open his mouth wide enough to allow a fingertip past his teeth. Who'd have thunk that stretching your mouth and stomach with excessive quantities of cabbage and water would result in jawthritis? Um, me? Sadly, Takeru feared that his mouth was paralyzed. In true Japanese style, Kobayashi only blamed himself: “I feel so ashamed that I didn't hear the alarm bells ringing in my own body." Just three hours before yesterday's contest, Kobayashi was still receiving acupuncture treatment to minimize the pain. You got to give the Tsunami credit though; reversal and all. 63 dogs in 12 minutes is, well...nasty, but quite impressive. Along with his 6 Nathan's Hot Dog titles, Kobayashi also holds the world records for Johnsonville Brats, Krystal's Hamburgers, Lobster Rolls, Rice Balls and Cow Brains.

Happy Independence Day everybody. Take it easy on the hot dogs.