der Ständer

Yes, I am happy to see you.

Even if you don't spreken zie Deutsch, you can appreciate this fine instructional video from German's Der Kindarkanal children's network. Germany strikes again; but it's about time someone produced a visual aid that teaches young men to manage the stressful circumstance of unanticipated penile erection though!

C'mon fellas, how many times have you been watching a shaggy haired ballerina on ice skates pull off the perfect piqué en arabesque and, without warning, pop a chubby? If I only had a nickel... Or how often have you knocked down a  display of stacked canned veggies in the Quicky Mart, with your wang, because you glanced at the cover of the SI swimsuit issue and suddenly found yourself harder than trigonometry? Plenty! Am I right? And it's always so embarrassing. 

Well now you'll learn how to look totally cool when it happens...

W.W.B.D.

Champagne Wishes and Meat Lover Dreams

3.14

Pi events across America!

TSOM flashmob: Belgium

TSOM flashmob: Korea

Watch "Korea flashmob sound of music" on YouTube

TSOM flashmob: England

1-1-11

Apocalypse, now?

What’s up with thousands of birds inexplicably falling from the sky on New Year’s Eve? Five Thousand!  It literally rained dead birds in a 1.5 square mile of Beebe, Arkansas. Cars,  roofs and roads were littered with bird carcasses and it all happened in a span of less than 60 minutes.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Scientists in Little Rock, and now the National Wildlife Health Center in Madison, WI,  are attempting to determine if firework noise, foul weather or something natural caused the carnage. That’s all the theory they have come up with so far; other than it was just a frenzied flock that fortuitously steered itself into the Earth. Either way, 3 to 5,000 red-winged blackbirds (and a few starlings) fell to the ground Friday night and all we know is that the birds of a feather died of blunt-force trauma.  But did the fatalities occur before or after they hit terra firma?  No one can say for certain. 

Take these broken wings

But we do know that, a day later and 120 miles west, 100,000 drum fish are found floating, defunct, along a 20 mile stretch of the Arkansas River. Two days after that, 500 more red-winged blackbirds scattered the ground, some 300 miles south of Beebe, in Labarre, LA.  in a  seemingly similar scenario to the NYE scene. 

WTH? Doesn’t this freak anybody else out? Even a little?

UPDATE: Sweden now too.

Grammatical

I am thankful for spell-checkers. It's true. I just ain't a natural born speller. In this day of smartphones, texts and tweets, I sure put it through its paces too. Sometimes it fails, miserably. Just today I got a reply to something I sent out that read "mfp?" I don't even know what I was trying to type, but not that. I sometimes wonder if I'd do better turning auto-correct off and going with the genuine typos. But I'm a really bad speller, and lazy, and my texts and tweets are SO important to the world that they must be transmitted without delay! So I let the spell-checker do it's thing and then blame it for any mistakes.

Imagine my delight when I happened upon this web site just now. If you can't: I was totally delighted. In fact, I laughed so hard it hurt. This problem with auto-correction seems to be so rampant that there's an entire web site dedicated to documenting the darndest things auto-correct makes us say! It's the most hilariously laugh out loud, gut busting, eye tearlingly funny, thing I've read in a long time. If you  have a few minutes, this is good stuff, check it out.

e.g.

10/10/10

Our two oldest turned 5 today. Five. From the moment they were born, they have been my joy, my inspiration, my gifts, my darlings. Happy Birthday little women.

With some friends at the Lincoln Park Zoo during last weeks Chi-Town vacation.

Hair of the Stoat

At 12 fluid ounces, 55% alcohol and $785.90 a bottle, The End Of History is soon to claim the Guinness Book of World Records tile of strongest and most expensive beer in the world! Made by the fine fresh fellows at Scottland’s BrewDog craft brewery, The End Of History is a blonde Belgian ale infused with fresh juniper berries and nettles from the Scottish Highlands. Meant to be sipped like a fine whisky, rather than chugged like a PBR, BrewDog aims to “elevate the status of beer in our culture”.

In true BrewDog fashion we've torn up convention, blurred distinctions and pushed brewing and beer packaging to its absolute limits. This beer is an audacious blend of eccentricity, artistry and rebellion; changing the general perception of beer one stuffed animal at a time.

One stuffed animal at a time? What the plush?

The impact of The End of History is a perfect conceptual marriage between art, taxidermy and craft brewing. The bottles are at once beautiful and disturbing – they disrupt conventions and break taboos, just like the beer they hold within them. 

  

That's right, they bottled $785 worth of beer inside dead weasels & squirrels.  Actually, it's 785 bucks for the stoat (weasel); the squirrel sets you back $1070! BrewDog claims the, um, labeling was done by a talented taxidermist and all the varmint were road kills. The run is limited edition too. Real limited; like 7 stouts and 4 squirrels limited. 

Unfortunately, The End Of History has already SOLD OUT. No beer for you!  At least you can feast your eyes on this and imagine yourself sitting by the hearth, warming your blue blood in a chair made of the finest Corinthian leather, lighting your cigars with $100 bills and looking down the barrel of this furry libation...

Yes, the were sold with the clothes. Stay classy Fraserburgh, Aberdeenshire!

9/02/10

8/9/10

Vacationing

Declaration

Bemidji is a sleepy college town in northern Minnesota. The “First city on the Mississippi”, the “Curling Capitol of the States” and home to those giant statues of Paul Bunyan & Babe The Blue Ox that grace so many a postcard sent off by  Northwoods vacationers to their loved ones back home. The city of Bemidji also has a lot of beaver.

It all started earlier this year when the city called for new works to be displayed in The Bemidji Sculpture Walk. They called it: the Beaver Project and it was hot. Local artisans submitted  pictures of their beavers for review and ten were asked  to paint their beavers on  fiberglass casts. The city of Bemidji then unleashed the 4’ tall sculptures upon the downtown area as part of a public art campaign. Suddenly,  Bemidji had the beaver fever. There was a big brown beaver, a blushing red beaver, even a fishy beaver. But one particular beaver aroused more than a few citizens when they saw it.

You see, as some folks strolled downtown Bemidji over the July 4th weekend, they stumbled upon artiste Deborah A. Davis’ beaver. Some were startled. Some were shocked. Some were steamed. Why? Because they didn’t just see a beaver, they saw a beaver with a vagina; and they didn’t like it. "It’s pornography!" they cried and they called the city of Bemidji to complain about Ms’s Davis’ porn. I mean beaver. I mean vagina. I mean beaver vagina. It got to the point that City Manager, John Chattin, didn’t know what to do… so he yanked it. The beaver, I mean. They pulled Ms. Davis’ beaver off the street to give the city of Bemidji some time to respond to the complaints.

“Gaea”, as Ms. Davis’ calls her beaver, was relocated from the downtown sidewalk to the front lawn of Bemidji Sculpture Walk Committee member, Al Belleveau, while the City Council prepped for an emergency town meeting on Tuesday. Ms. Davis herself couldn’t comprehend the controversy. She was all:  "My intent was to paint Mother Nature, Mother Earth…I didn't understand that some people saw genitalia...I understand people see different things in art, and they need to be free to do that…My intent was to paint a praying woman."

A praying woman, huh? I can’t wait for you to see Deborah's beaver! So let me finish this up. Long story short: The Council ultimately voted, unanimously, to bring back the beaver after even more complaints came in calling foul on the city’s censorship of art and expression. Several artists even covered their own beavers in a sign of solidarity. A few days later, Gaea was positioned back on her street corner and Ms. Davis was allowed to show her beaver to the public. Good for Ms. Davis and her “celebration of womanhood” and free speech and all that. Now check out her beaver...

In case you can’t figure out which beaver I’m talking about, it’s the 3rd beaver from the left;  the one with the three foot tall vagina painted on it. But, I don't know, maybe you only see Mother Earth praying with roses falling from her hands? That would be weird though. View Ms. Davis’ beaver, up close, and tell me what you think. A praying woman that looks like a vagina or a beaver with a vagina that could maybe, possibly, if you're really farsighted, be mistaken for a praying woman?

If you're in Bemidji this summer and want some beaver shots of your own, Gaea is located on 4th St. NW at Beltrami Ave. NW.

OMG

Oh my God, OH MY GOD! Dude really likes rainbows. And maybe mushrooms?

Go Fish

The Badger State Bass Brawl ended in a stalemate. Though, unofficially, I declare victory with the most bass (21) and the heaviest (4+)! Todd landed the 1st fish and, probably, really, hooked the heaviest too. Unfortunately for him, in his excitement, he forgot to weigh it! Oops. Too bad, so sad, I win. We had a great trip though; even with the crazy weather. Nothing like last year’s storms, but it changed from hour to hour. It was rain, then wind, to wind and rain, to a little sun, then a downpour. It made it difficult to establish any kind of pattern. Except on the last day when they were exploding on buzzbaits in the rain! That was fantastic bass fishing, let me tell you. And the 16 footer was a blast to fish from. Held up great the one time we were hung up on a submerged stump for 15 minutes.

The place we stayed at was perfect; kind of. We were in one of 4 old and rickety cabins; surrounded by 200 or so old and rickety RVs and trailers. But things were quiet, the people were friendly and the beds were surprisingly comfortable. There was a certain amount of strangeness here too though. We were in central WI after all. Luckily, it was all out on the water this time. First off, the dang Northern Pike were a menace. I landed 2 and TP lost about half a dozen baits, maybe more; including an expensive Honeybuzz; maybe two. That was a bummer. I did land the biggest northern of my life though. Pretty cool, until I had to get the hook out of its toothy jaws.

We also met a family of bald eagles. Again, cool, but a little scary. Within an hour of our initial launch, we spotted an enormous bald eagle soaring about the lake. For all 3 days it was constantly flying overhead and perching itself atop the pine trees that lined the lakeshore. On one swing around the South end of the lake, we saw its nest and let ourselves drift almost underneath it. That was until momma Eagle came swooping in from the North. She was so close I could see the steak knife sized talons at the end of her legs as she flew over us and up into the nest. We were about to get out of there before we ticked her off  but, just then, two adolescent eagles popped up from inside the nest. It was such a National Geographic moment. We just sat there for a while, watching them,  in awe of the wonder of nature all around us. Then one of the lil’ dumplins climbed up to the edge of the 6 foot wide structure, some 60 feet above our heads, turned around and shot a massive load of poop straight in our direction. We were done with nature after that.

But the strangest thing we encountered were some Cheeseheads in another boat. We were cruising a shoreline and they were anchored, fishing for crappie. They had their CD player fired up and it was pretty annoying. Not because it was rap, but because it was loud. I had to laugh when “You Can’t Touch This” came on. Next up was “Ice Ice Baby”. It was very odd to hear these in a place like that. And then, at the same time, TP and I realize it’s not actually Vanilla Ice, but a cover of the song and they’re singing “Ice Fish Baby”. We're both like, WTH? Next up was “I Like Big Bass and I Cannot Lie”. It was a cover album of tired rap tunes with the lyrics changed to sing about bass fishing. Only in Wisconsin. I fired up the big engine and headed for the opposite shore just as “Shoot, Deer it is” came on.

U Can't Catch Fish

Marsh-Miller

The countdown has begun for the Second Annual Twin Cities vs. Windy City Badger State Brawl. Todd and I will meet at high noon on Saturday for a long weekend of big bass fishing. Last year we were on a river and I was a little out of my element. This time we’re hitting a lake in Chippewa County that’s sure to provide some serious angling action. We also thoroughly checked out the place were staying at so there should be no drunken surprises at base camp. I’ve already stocked up on Sunscreen, PowerAid, Jack Link’s Sweet & Hot Jerky & Netbait Paca Craws. Also sharpened the hooks on a few of my Vision Lures Honneybuzz baits. That’s about all I need but, just in case, I have 3 containers of other tackle to throw at ‘em too.

         vs.

But to you my friend, Todd, I'm throwing down the gauntlet! I predict the heavy fish of our little one-on-one tourney will go to me. How you like them apples...chump?

Keister

This is 60 year old Steven Ferrini. He likes quiet drives around Lake Tahoe, bombs and speed. He recently evacuated the El Dorado County jail after CHiPs officers found an on/off switch in his pocket that was connected to wires in his pants that were connected to something up his ass.

Say what what?

Originally, the fuzz busted SF for zoning out in his car after he parked in a no parking zone behind the California Highway Patrol office. I’m sure Steveo was bummed when they spotted methamphetamine in the auto and pinched him then and there. But when the police patted him down, they found the switch and then the wires and then the heat he was packing . So Tweeker Steve told them right away what was up… an anal vibrator. Some junk the trunk, if you will. The cops planned to take him down to the local hospital and let a Dr. get to the bottom of things, but Ben-Wa Ferrini inexplicably “began to explain his knowledge of explosives and bomb making." Sounds about par for the course I suppose, but the CHiPs became concerned, the El Dorado County Bomb Squad was called in and the building was evacuated.

In the end, they verified that the device was, in fact, a vibrating sex toy in his tush, not an IED. They “rendered the device safe” but made Ponch pull the plug because the Bomb Squad rolls like that. Unfortunately for Mr. Ferrini, sex toys are legal in CA, but meth is not. He went straight to jail after it re-opened.