Humdrummy

Beloved

2011-06-20T08:59:00.003-05:00

We lost our Fletcher dog this weekend. I am heartbroken. I miss my boy.

Defeated

2011-06-16T09:39:00.004-05:00

The match is over and the verdict is in - I came in deal last. I also came in second I suppose. That's not so bad, right? No, it was bad. Todd pulled in way more bass than I did. He is officially the spinnerbaiter master. That SOB was throwing SOB spinnerbaits into tiny holes and pockets (quite deftly I might add) and was whacking 'em. I started out strong on the first day, using a Chatterbait and a Swim Jig, but lost my mojo by Friday night.

If the pike counted in our little contest, I would have had the heaviest bag for sure. Those dang bait robbers were following everything we were throwing. We must have landed 5 or 6 of those carnivorous torpedoes. A northern pike’s brain is 1/1305 of its body weight, btw. It feels hungry and it eats - whatever is close by and moving. One wrecked a prized Honeybuzz that had been rigged on the same rod for over 2 years. It very well may be the single most fish-catching bait in my entire collection. I was able to bend it back with the pliers, but it's not straight and will never run like it once did. Same thing happened to one of Todd's SOBs. Although, I will admit, there was one hit, on a Dahlberg Diving Frog (Thank you for that surprise Buddy!) that was so spectacular it left me pumped with adrenaline for the next 20 minutes. But Largemouth was what we were after dang it! And the largemouth were doing a good job of not being caught. Well, at least by me.

All-in-all, it was another total great trip. There's not much better than a few days of nothin' but fishing; except nothin' but fishing with a friend like Todd. The SV-3 also made it's first voyage rigged up with electronics! The Mrs. gave me an early birthday gift - a spankin' new Humminbird sonar. What an unbelievable fishing tool that is. (Thank you, Thank you Baby! That sonar is awe-some.) I already began scouting next year's destination lake. It's been a few years now, so I think it's time to change things up a little.

So bask in the glory of this year's win, my friend. It was hard earned, and won't happen again next year. Congrats!

Fish On

2011-06-04T22:40:00.004-05:00

Oh yeah. The Badger State Bass Brawl is on. I'm meeting up with TP next weekend. It's pretty short notice, but that's the life of a jet-setting pilot. I'm glad it's earlier not later though. Actually, it's about the same time of year I kicked his ass last time. The Midwest weather has been so crazy I'm expecting very different conditions though - and it should favor me! I've already got a box of frogs, swimjigs and chatterbaits put together. Next to do is a jig box and then I'll sort through some plastics (NetBait, of course). I think I have it covered. I also installed a new 3-bank charger in the SV-3 today and the motor fired up, with earmuffs, on the first try. I'm psyched. I'm also thinking I'll order the steak Sat. night. Because I KNOW TODD WILL BE PAYING. Fish on!

2011-05-25T18:33:00.000-05:00

der Ständer

2011-05-02T16:53:00.017-05:00

Yes, I am happy to see you.

Even if you don't spreken zie Deutsch, you can appreciate this fine instructional video from German's Der Kindarkanal children's network. Germany strikes again; but it's about time someone produced a visual aid that teaches young men to manage the stressful circumstance of unanticipated penile erection though!

C'mon fellas, how many times have you been watching a shaggy haired ballerina on ice skates pull off the perfect piqué en arabesque and, without warning, pop a chubby? If I only had a nickel... Or how often have you knocked down a display of stacked canned veggies in the Quicky Mart, with your wang, because you glanced at the cover of the SI swimsuit issue and suddenly found yourself harder than trigonometry? Plenty! Am I right? And it's always so embarrassing.

Well now you'll learn how to look totally cool when it happens...

W.W.B.D.

2011-04-29T08:21:00.003-05:00

Champagne Wishes and Meat Lover Dreams

2011-04-22T10:57:00.001-05:00

3.14

2011-03-14T12:24:00.000-05:00

Pi events across America!

TSOM flashmob: Belgium

2011-03-13T18:51:00.000-05:00

TSOM flashmob: Korea

2011-03-07T08:58:00.003-06:00

Watch "Korea flashmob sound of music" on YouTube

TSOM flashmob: England

2011-02-19T21:28:00.005-06:00

1-1-11

2011-01-11T23:11:00.001-06:00

Apocalypse, now?

2011-01-05T11:25:00.032-06:00

What’s up with thousands of birds inexplicably falling from the sky on New Year’s Eve? Five Thousand! It literally rained dead birds in a 1.5 square mile of Beebe, Arkansas. Cars, roofs and roads were littered with bird carcasses and it all happened in a span of less than 60 minutes.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Scientists in Little Rock, and now the National Wildlife Health Center in Madison, WI, are attempting to determine if firework noise, foul weather or something natural caused the carnage. That’s all the theory they have come up with so far; other than it was just a frenzied flock that fortuitously steered itself into the Earth. Either way, 3 to 5,000 red-winged blackbirds (and a few starlings) fell to the ground Friday night and all we know is that the birds of a feather died of blunt-force trauma. But did the fatalities occur before or after they hit terra firma? No one can say for certain.

Take these broken wings

But we do know that, a day later and 120 miles west, 100,000 drum fish are found floating, defunct, along a 20 mile stretch of the Arkansas River. Two days after that, 500 more red-winged blackbirds scattered the ground, some 300 miles south of Beebe, in Labarre, LA. in a seemingly similar scenario to the NYE scene.

WTH? Doesn’t this freak anybody else out? Even a little?

UPDATE: Sweden now too.

Grammatical

2010-11-20T11:38:00.011-06:00

I am thankful for spell-checkers. It's true. I just ain't a natural born speller. In this day of smartphones, texts and tweets, I sure put it through its paces too. Sometimes it fails, miserably. Just today I got a reply to something I sent out that read "mfp?" I don't even know what I was trying to type, but not that. I sometimes wonder if I'd do better turning auto-correct off and going with the genuine typos. But I'm a really bad speller, and lazy, and my texts and tweets are SO important to the world that they must be transmitted without delay! So I let the spell-checker do it's thing and then blame it for any mistakes.

Imagine my delight when I happened upon this web site just now. If you can't: I was totally delighted. In fact, I laughed so hard it hurt. This problem with auto-correction seems to be so rampant that there's an entire web site dedicated to documenting the darndest things auto-correct makes us say! It's the most hilariously laugh out loud, gut busting, eye tearlingly funny, thing I've read in a long time. If you have a few minutes, this is good stuff, check it out.

e.g.

2010-11-12T20:14:00.000-06:00

10/10/10

2010-10-10T17:48:00.005-05:00

Our two oldest turned 5 today. Five. From the moment they were born, they have been my joy, my inspiration, my gifts, my darlings. Happy Birthday little women.

With some friends at the Lincoln Park Zoo during last weeks Chi-Town vacation.

Hair of the Stoat

2010-09-23T14:03:00.016-05:00

At 12 fluid ounces, 55% alcohol and $785.90 a bottle, The End Of History is soon to claim the Guinness Book of World Records tile of strongest and most expensive beer in the world! Made by the fine fresh fellows at Scottland’s BrewDog craft brewery, The End Of History is a blonde Belgian ale infused with fresh juniper berries and nettles from the Scottish Highlands. Meant to be sipped like a fine whisky, rather than chugged like a PBR, BrewDog aims to “elevate the status of beer in our culture”.

In true BrewDog fashion we've torn up convention, blurred distinctions and pushed brewing and beer packaging to its absolute limits. This beer is an audacious blend of eccentricity, artistry and rebellion; changing the general perception of beer one stuffed animal at a time.

One stuffed animal at a time? What the plush?

The impact of The End of History is a perfect conceptual marriage between art, taxidermy and craft brewing. The bottles are at once beautiful and disturbing – they disrupt conventions and break taboos, just like the beer they hold within them.

That's right, they bottled $785 worth of beer inside dead weasels & squirrels. Actually, it's 785 bucks for the stoat (weasel); the squirrel sets you back $1070! BrewDog claims the, um, labeling was done by a talented taxidermist and all the varmint were road kills. The run is limited edition too. Real limited; like 7 stouts and 4 squirrels limited.

Unfortunately, The End Of History has already SOLD OUT. No beer for you! At least you can feast your eyes on this and imagine yourself sitting by the hearth, warming your blue blood in a chair made of the finest Corinthian leather, lighting your cigars with $100 bills and looking down the barrel of this furry libation...

Yes, the were sold with the clothes. Stay classy Fraserburgh, Aberdeenshire!

2010-09-02T12:38:00.005-05:00

9/02/10

2010-08-09T20:57:00.003-05:00

8/9/10

Vacationing

2010-08-02T11:40:00.000-05:00

Declaration

2010-07-07T18:44:00.022-05:00

Bemidji is a sleepy college town in northern Minnesota. The “First city on the Mississippi”, the “Curling Capitol of the States” and home to those giant statues of Paul Bunyan & Babe The Blue Ox that grace so many a postcard sent off by Northwoods vacationers to their loved ones back home. The city of Bemidji also has a lot of beaver.

It all started earlier this year when the city called for new works to be displayed in The Bemidji Sculpture Walk. They called it: the Beaver Project and it was hot. Local artisans submitted pictures of their beavers for review and ten were asked to paint their beavers on fiberglass casts. The city of Bemidji then unleashed the 4’ tall sculptures upon the downtown area as part of a public art campaign. Suddenly, Bemidji had the beaver fever. There was a big brown beaver, a blushing red beaver, even a fishy beaver. But one particular beaver aroused more than a few citizens when they saw it.

You see, as some folks strolled downtown Bemidji over the July 4th weekend, they stumbled upon artiste Deborah A. Davis’ beaver. Some were startled. Some were shocked. Some were steamed. Why? Because they didn’t just see a beaver, they saw a beaver with a vagina; and they didn’t like it. "It’s pornography!" they cried and they called the city of Bemidji to complain about Ms’s Davis’ porn. I mean beaver. I mean vagina. I mean beaver vagina. It got to the point that City Manager, John Chattin, didn’t know what to do… so he yanked it. The beaver, I mean. They pulled Ms. Davis’ beaver off the street to give the city of Bemidji some time to respond to the complaints.

“Gaea”, as Ms. Davis’ calls her beaver, was relocated from the downtown sidewalk to the front lawn of Bemidji Sculpture Walk Committee member, Al Belleveau, while the City Council prepped for an emergency town meeting on Tuesday. Ms. Davis herself couldn’t comprehend the controversy. She was all: "My intent was to paint Mother Nature, Mother Earth…I didn't understand that some people saw genitalia...I understand people see different things in art, and they need to be free to do that…My intent was to paint a praying woman."

A praying woman, huh? I can’t wait for you to see Deborah's beaver! So let me finish this up. Long story short: The Council ultimately voted, unanimously, to bring back the beaver after even more complaints came in calling foul on the city’s censorship of art and expression. Several artists even covered their own beavers in a sign of solidarity. A few days later, Gaea was positioned back on her street corner and Ms. Davis was allowed to show her beaver to the public. Good for Ms. Davis and her “celebration of womanhood” and free speech and all that. Now check out her beaver...

In case you can’t figure out which beaver I’m talking about, it’s the 3rd beaver from the left; the one with the three foot tall vagina painted on it. But, I don't know, maybe you only see Mother Earth praying with roses falling from her hands? That would be weird though. View Ms. Davis’ beaver, up close, and tell me what you think. A praying woman that looks like a vagina or a beaver with a vagina that could maybe, possibly, if you're really farsighted, be mistaken for a praying woman?

If you're in Bemidji this summer and want some beaver shots of your own, Gaea is located on 4th St. NW at Beltrami Ave. NW.

OMG

2010-07-06T17:35:00.007-05:00

Oh my God, OH MY GOD! Dude really likes rainbows. And maybe mushrooms?

Go Fish

2010-07-01T11:11:00.004-05:00

The Badger State Bass Brawl ended in a stalemate. Though, unofficially, I declare victory with the most bass (21) and the heaviest (4+)! Todd landed the 1st fish and, probably, really, hooked the heaviest too. Unfortunately for him, in his excitement, he forgot to weigh it! Oops. Too bad, so sad, I win. We had a great trip though; even with the crazy weather. Nothing like last year’s storms, but it changed from hour to hour. It was rain, then wind, to wind and rain, to a little sun, then a downpour. It made it difficult to establish any kind of pattern. Except on the last day when they were exploding on buzzbaits in the rain! That was fantastic bass fishing, let me tell you. And the 16 footer was a blast to fish from. Held up great the one time we were hung up on a submerged stump for 15 minutes.

The place we stayed at was perfect; kind of. We were in one of 4 old and rickety cabins; surrounded by 200 or so old and rickety RVs and trailers. But things were quiet, the people were friendly and the beds were surprisingly comfortable. There was a certain amount of strangeness here too though. We were in central WI after all. Luckily, it was all out on the water this time. First off, the dang Northern Pike were a menace. I landed 2 and TP lost about half a dozen baits, maybe more; including an expensive Honeybuzz; maybe two. That was a bummer. I did land the biggest northern of my life though. Pretty cool, until I had to get the hook out of its toothy jaws.

We also met a family of bald eagles. Again, cool, but a little scary. Within an hour of our initial launch, we spotted an enormous bald eagle soaring about the lake. For all 3 days it was constantly flying overhead and perching itself atop the pine trees that lined the lakeshore. On one swing around the South end of the lake, we saw its nest and let ourselves drift almost underneath it. That was until momma Eagle came swooping in from the North. She was so close I could see the steak knife sized talons at the end of her legs as she flew over us and up into the nest. We were about to get out of there before we ticked her off but, just then, two adolescent eagles popped up from inside the nest. It was such a National Geographic moment. We just sat there for a while, watching them, in awe of the wonder of nature all around us. Then one of the lil’ dumplins climbed up to the edge of the 6 foot wide structure, some 60 feet above our heads, turned around and shot a massive load of poop straight in our direction. We were done with nature after that.

But the strangest thing we encountered were some Cheeseheads in another boat. We were cruising a shoreline and they were anchored, fishing for crappie. They had their CD player fired up and it was pretty annoying. Not because it was rap, but because it was loud. I had to laugh when “You Can’t Touch This” came on. Next up was “Ice Ice Baby”. It was very odd to hear these in a place like that. And then, at the same time, TP and I realize it’s not actually Vanilla Ice, but a cover of the song and they’re singing “Ice Fish Baby”. We're both like, WTH? Next up was “I Like Big Bass and I Cannot Lie”. It was a cover album of tired rap tunes with the lyrics changed to sing about bass fishing. Only in Wisconsin. I fired up the big engine and headed for the opposite shore just as “Shoot, Deer it is” came on.

U Can't Catch Fish

Marsh-Miller

2010-06-08T10:51:00.008-05:00

The countdown has begun for the Second Annual Twin Cities vs. Windy City Badger State Brawl. Todd and I will meet at high noon on Saturday for a long weekend of big bass fishing. Last year we were on a river and I was a little out of my element. This time we’re hitting a lake in Chippewa County that’s sure to provide some serious angling action. We also thoroughly checked out the place were staying at so there should be no drunken surprises at base camp. I’ve already stocked up on Sunscreen, PowerAid, Jack Link’s Sweet & Hot Jerky & Netbait Paca Craws. Also sharpened the hooks on a few of my Vision Lures Honneybuzz baits. That’s about all I need but, just in case, I have 3 containers of other tackle to throw at ‘em too.

vs.

But to you my friend, Todd, I'm throwing down the gauntlet! I predict the heavy fish of our little one-on-one tourney will go to me. How you like them apples...chump?

Keister

2010-05-06T15:47:00.010-05:00

This is 60 year old Steven Ferrini. He likes quiet drives around Lake Tahoe, bombs and speed. He recently evacuated the El Dorado County jail after CHiPs officers found an on/off switch in his pocket that was connected to wires in his pants that were connected to something up his ass.

Say what what?

Originally, the fuzz busted SF for zoning out in his car after he parked in a no parking zone behind the California Highway Patrol office. I’m sure Steveo was bummed when they spotted methamphetamine in the auto and pinched him then and there. But when the police patted him down, they found the switch and then the wires and then the heat he was packing . So Tweeker Steve told them right away what was up… an anal vibrator. Some junk the trunk, if you will. The cops planned to take him down to the local hospital and let a Dr. get to the bottom of things, but Ben-Wa Ferrini inexplicably “began to explain his knowledge of explosives and bomb making." Sounds about par for the course I suppose, but the CHiPs became concerned, the El Dorado County Bomb Squad was called in and the building was evacuated.

In the end, they verified that the device was, in fact, a vibrating sex toy in his tush, not an IED. They “rendered the device safe” but made Ponch pull the plug because the Bomb Squad rolls like that. Unfortunately for Mr. Ferrini, sex toys are legal in CA, but meth is not. He went straight to jail after it re-opened.

Lethal

2010-04-23T09:33:00.003-05:00

I heard a funny news story on the way in to work today. Apparently, a deadly fungus, called Cryptococcus gattii, has recently been found in Oregon. It’s killed a few dogs, cows, cats, sheep, elk, alpaca and people. This particular strain, officially known as VGIIc of the fungus Cryptococcus gattii, gets into people after they inhale its spores. Once that happens, 1 out of 4 doesn’t survive the attack. This would be otherwise healthy folk who just happened to be in Oregon; breathing. Oh, the funny part is that they have no idea how it got there! It’s actually a tropical fungus and the CDC can’t figure out how it’s surviving in such a temperate climate. The wonders of nature, huh?

Anyone heard from Andy lately?

Prankster

2010-04-08T10:33:00.033-05:00

I’ve had some weirdness at work recently. I keep a steno pad by the telephone I hung on my workspace wall. Just about an inch slides behind the phone to keep it in place & out of the way. A couple weeks ago I found a dab of chocolate on the edge of my pad and was like, “When was I eating chocolate?” Whatever; I figured I must have done it. A few days and a few pages later I notice the chocolate spot getting bigger. Not wider, but deeper, growing into the pad. Again I wondered, “What kind of greasy bonbon was I eating?” Again, nothing came to mind. Then yesterday, with the damn chocolate smudge even bigger and soaked into every page of the left side of the pad, I got so annoyed I had to trash it. The last thing I did at work was grab a new pad, open it to the first blank page and put it beside my phone.

Jump to this morning. I’m logging into voicemail, ready to start my day, and grab the spankin’ new steno pad from behind my phone; but I have to hang up because there’s melted chocolate on it. Now I'm pissed and thinking someone must have thought it would be funny to leave a Hershey bar, maybe a Kiss or something, behind my phone. Then I ponder on this scenario a little more and decided that anyone who would do that mustn't have both oars in the water so I shouldn’t get mad. I better just remove my idiot co-worker’s chocolate bar and get on with my day. I peer behind the phone, even pull it away from the wall, and guess what? I find nothing.

I got a little creeped out after that. I’m thinking, "If a douchetard co-worker is sneaking into my workspace while I'm gone to smudge chocolate on my yellow steno pad, what else is she/he doing to my stuff?" I’m checking my coffee cup for short n' curlys, scanning my phone receiver for lick marks and sniffing my Chap Stick for butt. (How I vaulted from dabbing chocolate on my papers to putting my Chap Stick in their pants I don’t know; but that’s how it went down.) Thank God I didn’t discover any of that. But if it’s not a deviant colleague, and it’s not me, what’s going on? I'm seriously stumped, so I put the pad back by the phone to see if I have a magical chocolate squirting telephone that only squirts chocolate when you put a steno pad behind it. Guess what? It did. I’m like WTF!!! and ripped the phone off the wall.

Only then did I find that the bottom, right, rubber foot had melted into a chocolate colored blob that was still contained in the footing. To be honest, I first thought, “Who the hell filled this tiny hole on the back of my phone with melted chocolate!?” but realized (probably not soon enough), after trying to pull the gob from the phone, that neither chocolate, nor a co-worker, was the culprit. It turned out to be less weird than what I originally thought but, still, why the heck would one rubber foot start melting off the back of my phone? And where am I going to put my steno pad now? And do any of our vending machines have Toblerone?

Aftertaste

2010-03-29T11:35:00.016-05:00

Meet Donald J. Wolfe. He’s 55, from Brookville, PA. and enjoys driving drunk, animals & sorcery. I’m gonna guess he’s single, but do know he was arrested this week, just north of Punxutawney, after a State Trooper watched him attempt to enliven a roadkill with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Several people saw Mr. Wolfe stop his car, on Route 36, after catching sight of the crushed creature. Onlookers report that the opossum was squashed and had obviously met its demise days before he discovered it. But Mr. Wolfe got out, knelt down on the road and proceeded to perform a service of sorts while making “séance motions with his arms”. When his hocus-pocus did not provide to revive, he tried more traditional tactics and placed his mouth “on or about the location of” the mouth of the breathless beast. It sounds like this is about the point the cops stepped in and stopped the show. The possum, also from PA, declined to file charges, because it was a dead possum, but police arrested DJ for public drunkenness...and being creepy & disgusting.

I was talking to someone just last week about all the possum roadkills I’ve seen here this Spring. Not once did I feel an urge to lick one though. Opossum carry diseases such as leptospirosis, tuberculosis, relapsing fever, tularemia, spotted fever, toxoplasmosis, coccidiosis, trichomoniasis and Chagas disease. They may be infested with fleas, ticks, mites & lice and are also often hosts for cat & dog fleas; especially in urban environments.

If you do have a taste for marsupial, I won't judge. Just please do it the right way and follow B.R. Peterson’s recipe, from the Original Roadkill Cookbook, for Pavement Possum and "bake until crusty."

2010-03-27T17:15:00.002-05:00

Bumper sticker on back of a silver Hyundai driving down S. Robert St. Friday afternoon:

I LOVE MY KIDS

WHETHER OR NOT

THEIR HONOR STUDENTS

3.14

2010-03-14T13:29:00.001-05:00

Buoyant

2010-03-12T00:38:00.007-06:00

I realized something last night. Along with my new Twitter addiction, things also slowed down around here after I got my boat in October. Yeah, A 1987 Fisher SV-3. A real fishing boat. I'm so psyched about this. It was one of those too-good-to-be-true deals on Craigslist, but the Mrs. said I should call the guy. I did and the boat was home with us a few days later. I guess I’ve been spending all my on-line time learning as much as I can about boating. If it’s not YouTube videos about backing a trailer down a launch ramp, its bass boat message boards discussing missing drain plugs and live well rebuilding. I’m a regular reader of boat sites learning the fundamentals like which side is port, what is a gunwale and how not to kill your passengers. I’m also constantly emailing my friend Todd with questions that are so basic I’m embarrassed to ask strangers. Like, "I just read about the Circle Of Death and I'm scared! What do I need to know?" It all consumes the limited time I have for extracurricular activities.

I took her out only once before I had to winterize the engine and put it in storage. It’s a lot different that the Outcast kick boat I’ve been using since moving to MN, but the old Johnson she came with seemed to run great and I didn’t find any leaks. The throttle and steering are hooked up fine, but the rest of the electrical on the boat, and the trailer, will need to be re-wired. (Which reminds me: Merlin, I need to ask you something… ) I even read the Seloc manual for my motor. That was interesting. I didn’t even know what a carburetor did before. Now I’ve thoroughly examined exploded schematics for every single part of the engine and located most of them on the Johnson as well. I’m no gearhead, but I am a pretty passionate bass angler, so learning as much as I can in the off-season is important to me. And with 3 tots, a wife, a house, a job and a need for sleep, the blog has been quiet. Not forgotten, just quiet.

Idle

2010-02-27T11:12:00.002-06:00

I know, I know, it's dead around here. I think I'm still recuperating from "the holidays". That, and I've been playing with Twitter a lot. I'll get back into the the swing of things here soon; I think. In the mean time, here's some serious civic comedy...

Kid Uses Fart Machine During City Council Meeting - watch more funny videos

Do Geese See God

2010-01-02T20:38:00.002-06:00

Happy January second, 2010!

That's 01022010 and that's a bad-ass palindrome. BA! Yup. Now try to take in the headieness of Weird Al. Yup. Weird Al Yankovic. This should blow your mind...

B Hole

2009-12-19T23:07:00.014-06:00

The Mrs. is out with her sisters tonight so I took the opportunity to wrap up her Christmas gifts all stealth like. I expected to be done with things by now, but our two older tots had other plans. So now it's 10-something, I've got my stash out, pulled the papers from the closet and I'm ready to wrap. Wiki-Wiki. I have no idea how TBS came on the tube, but it's Kevin Nealon and Fred Willard hosting "The Funniest Commercials of 2009" and I just saw a squirrel fart out a forest fire.

I hate commercials. I HATE commercials. But I get a kick out of squirrels and farts. Combine the two, add a full day of unlimited rides at the Mall of America amusement park, a cheap Pinot Noir and I couldn't tie my bow. I was laughing at squirrel farts so much that I had to look up the web site they splashed on the screen before the last commercial. So I head to the kitchen for some water and this is the spot I find on the home page. It only took the first gal to say: "B-hole" for me to lose it...

They had some people farts too.

-

2009-11-26T07:51:00.002-06:00

Ke-Bob?

2009-11-18T15:30:00.028-06:00

On the completely macabre tip: Reuters is reporting that 3 Russian transients have been arrested after, allegedly, killing a comrade with knives & hammers, removing his head, eating him for dinner and then selling what was left of the good parts to a street vendor that peddles meats and pies.

Police were called after pieces of the person were found near a bus stop on the edge of town. The homeless suspects have been put on ice at the city jail in Perm, about 870 miles east of Moscow, facing charges of murder. Their statement cites "personal hostility" as a precursor to the assult. Apparently, the 25 year old victim tried to steal the sweetheart of one of the 3 suspects and they decided to teach their chum a lesson. The epicurean assassins are due in court on Monday.

In case you're wondering... "It was not immediately clear from the statement if any of the corpse had been sold to customers."

FYC

2009-10-31T12:15:00.002-05:00

I'm In If Urine

2009-10-08T12:51:00.011-05:00

This has been a nut-busting week for MSP sport-nuts: Gophers/Badgers, Twins/Tigers and, of course, Vikings/Green Bay. The Twin Cities Marathon was also held on Sunday and, for most, it was an amazing race. But for one runner, the winner of his age group no less, the verdict is still out…and he’s pissed.

The athlete in question, a national record holder, is now under investigation by race officials, who are consulting with USA Track and Field, to determine if the competitor “violated the rules when he received the informal assistance on the way to winning his gender's 80-84 age division”. I know what you’re thinking…DOPER! Was it blood transfusions? Hormones? Anabolics? No; no it wasn't...it was a catheter. Like in a flexible or rigid hollow tube employed to drain fluids from body cavities.

Octogenarian athlete, 81 year old, Jerry Johncock, the first American over 80 to finish a marathon in under 4 hours Jerry Johncock, got to mile 21 and couldn’t hold it any more. Knowing that a blood clot was the culprit, (huh?) he pulled into the medical tent on River Rd. and asked for help so he could keep on going. Instead, aides told Jerry Johncock that his race was over and they would transport him to the nearest hospital. Jerry Johncock was all: What the dick? I’ve run over 100 marathons since turning 50 and I’ve never had to quit! Suddenly, and no doubt surprisingly, someone from the crowd of spectators that was supposedly urging on the 80-84 group race said: Wait! I have a catheter that I want Jerry Johncock to use to drain his bladder! And then he fetched one from his car. (huh? HUH!) Jerry Johncock sought the privacy of a medical van and a first aid staffer helped him poke the catheter into his bladder so he could lighten his load. Once done, he was off to the races! Jerry Johncock’s Good Samaritan has yet to be identified. Presumably because there are a lot of unanswered questions here. But Jerry Johncock is thankful.

It "was just a gift from the Lord," said Jerry Johncock. "As soon as I got the catheter, I [urinated] and I was good to go. Oh, what a relief that was." I bet!

My hat's off to you Jerry Johncock. You're a champion, a gentleman, can run circles around me, apparently poked a catheter into your own bladder in the back of a van and still won your race at 5h22m! You can stick it USAT&F. Jerry Johncock rules!

P.S. Jerry Johncock

Yeah, She Likes It

2009-10-03T20:55:00.003-05:00

I haven't tried these things, but this commercial cracks me up every time!

Mrs. Hunter...

Tender TV

2009-09-23T07:56:00.018-05:00

After the local news last night, I was picking up a few toys and getting ready to head off to bed but still had the Late Show on the tube in the background. Dave set up a segment about some guy named "Ernie", which sounded like a skit, but I was just half listening. Anyhow, I couldn't believe what I heard. So much so, that I had to fire up the computer and Google this guys name, "Ernie Anastos", immediately.

Turns out Ernie's a TV anchor for WNYW, Fox channel 5, in New York. He's also an Emmy award-winning newscaster who's been on-air since 1978 and, last Thursday night, he told the Fox meteorologist, Nick Gregory, to F a chicken on live TV.

"I guess it takes a tough man to make a tender forecast," EA said to NG, dropping a Perdue commercial reference that proves he was on air since the 70's.

"I guess that's me," awkwardly acknowledged Gregory.

Then, as the pair giggle away, Anastos says, "Keep f**king that chicken" and co-anchor Alexander just about explodes her head.

Priceless. The newsman has since apologized. But I want to thanks Mr. Anastos, as well as his supporting cast of Nick Greggory and co-anchor Dari Alexander (who really is the breakout star in this scene), for providing me with such a belly laugh, I was still crying as I fell asleep.

I'm sure this clip was viral by Friday but, in case you haven't seen it yet, here's Ernie who claims he said "plucking".

M Travers

2009-09-18T22:59:00.006-05:00

Strings, sealing wax & other fancy stuff; if you're interested.

-

090909

2009-09-09T11:58:00.016-05:00

Today is the Ninth day of the Ninth month of the Ninth year of this century.

Wednesday & September are both made up of 9 letters. September 9 is the 252nd day of the year (2+5+2). The Stratosphere Hotel in Las Vegas is offering 99 quickie wedding packages to 99 couples at 9:09 p.m. for $99.09. The new iPods are supposed to come out today; as did the Beatles' Rock Band game and entire digitally remastered music catalog. In China, it's a once-in-a-millennium date that's so good (999 means longevity or forever in Chinese) about a billion people will be married. Plus, it's a real easy anniversary date to not forget. It takes 9 minutes for light from the sun to reach the Earth. Another single digit date will not happen for 92 years.

In Japanese, the word nine is a homonym of the word for "suffering". It's bad luck there; almost as bad as the number 4, which sounds like "death". Here, our Republicans are holding the "Worlds Largest Twitter Tea Party" at 9pm. And "999" upside down is "666".

Today is also World Day Of Interconnectedness. They call it "...a shift from I llness to WE llness and organizers hope we can tap the "omnipresent invisible field of electric and magnetic energy that connects us all and bring forth an environmentally sustainable, fulfilling and socially just human presence". That sounds magical. Actually, on their long list of hokey ideas to accomplish this, one thing did catch my eye: "express your appreciation". That was it. Not a bad idea either. Happy 09/09/09 everyone. Thanks for being here with me.

How Soon Can You Keep?

2009-08-20T09:05:00.008-05:00

Another great time killer. I'm not a genius, yet, though. My stinkin' work neighbor kept poking her head over the top of our shared wall. Like I can’t see you glaring Dilberta! Mind your own beeswax please. You're not getting anything done staring at me you know.

What Up Dog?

2009-08-03T10:14:00.021-05:00

Guess what this is... It's a sex toy for dogs. You heard me; an artificial rubber female-shaped dog doll with a silicone dog "vagina" that male dogs can mount and have real dog sex with. Rover's new best friend is called the DoggieLoveDoll and it's brought to us by a Brazilian company called PetSmiling. I bet they are.

In case you're wondering, the bogus bitch has easy to grasp hips and the entry point does include "an easy to clean reservoir". Come on! That's just too bizarre for me. The PetSmiling folks, though, seem sincerely sympathetic to your lonely pooch's needs and desires.

"The majority of non-neutered dogs spend a good chunk of time looking for something to hump. They try pillows, furry creatures, people’s legs and even other animals."
"During the doll’s test period with a few canines, including the Maltese Flock (responsible for the idea), the pets showed a better quality of life based on less anxiety, less barking, and less territorial demarcation. In other words, the dogs live a better life, satisfying their repressed sexuality, in some cases for many years."

The synthetic surrogate is produced in three sizes and each arrives with a tube of lube to "increase the useful life of the doll." Not sure who would ever want to apply canine KY before, or clean the reservoir after, but I know it won't be me. Sorry Fletcher, you'll just be finding Milkbones under the Christmas tree again this year; no DoggieLove for you.

Stormy

2009-07-31T11:47:00.018-05:00

Our big fishing trip resulted in very few fish and, since we are bass fishing experts, I’m blaming the weather. I have to admit though, this was not just the biggest body of water I’ve ever tried to fish, but rivers are made up a lot differently than lakes and I’m used to lake patterns. There was a steep learning curve. However, we dealt with pretty severe weather conditions the first two days. Rain on the first day, and then wind and rain and then more rain and wind. Saturday was pretty much a wash. The swells on the main lake were at least 2 feet high. We were in a little aluminum fishing boat mind you, so we were getting tossed around pretty good. Todd spent most of Saturday trying to keep the boat afloat and that meant not much fishing. I felt guilty, but if he was having such a hard time with it, I’m pretty sure we would have ended up on some homeowner’s lawn or underneath some boatowner’s dock had I taken the helm. After two days, Todd almost fell into the drink once, I ripped a rubber frog out of a tree and almost into Todd’s heart, we just missed backing into two dudes in a canoe, Todd almost sent me overboard after gunning the motor to stop us from hitting the dudes in the canoe, we narrowly missed crashing into a moored pontoon, came as close to you can get (in my opinion) to capsizing in the open water after…actually, I don’t even know what happened the first time. I just felt myself get pitched into the air with the bow of the boat as I’m watching the back of the craft go straight down as water rushed into the left corner up to Todd’s hand that was gripping the gunwale like a vice. Thankfully, we landed upright, scared as all get out but upright, and we motored on. Only 5 fish between us so far. Day 3, our half day, was calm and beautiful and, with just two hours before we had to head home, we locked onto the bass just like we had planned to be doing the whole time. Then, on our last trip back to the dock, we were again almost overturned by a super-dick driving his family in a big cabin cruiser who apparently didn't see us. His wife and rest of family did though. They were all laughing until we actually hit their wake.

That’s fishing. Some things you can control, some you can’t. We were both grumpy a few times, but we made the most of it and still had a great time together on the water. We even started on plans for next year’s trip. And first on that list is not staying at the same campsite. That was, for sure, the low point of our adventure. The sign out front said “Resort”; what a joke. We get there on Fri. night, ready for a little R&R after a long day of fishing in the rain, to find our site occupied by other tenants. This was out of the 2 tent sites “on the hill”. It was a beautiful spot overlooking the rolling hills of the Wisconsin River Valley with rows of corrugated steel storage facilities below that and 3 holding ponds that looked like bars on a cell phone and obviously man-made before that. Sewage treatment maybe? The trailers started at the banks of the sewage treatment ponds. Todd had gotten there that morning and checked us in. When we met at the dock, he called the place “interesting”. Todd is the king of understatements, so I should have been worried then. Everyone except us and the strange couple who stole our site with the kid and another adult female, was in a rental “cabin” or a trailer. We make arrangements to move to the other site; the nice small one, with all the rocks, across the road from the bathroom. Whatever, we were just there to crash and that was it. We woke up bleary eyed and unrested but our excitement for the day was such a motivator we were out by 5:30. Little did we know Mother Nature had other plans. The next night, we return tired, soaked and sore, to a barren camp site. Everything was gone. We find our tent broken down, in a wet pile on our original, but recently vacated lot. We marched down to the office, asked for the manager and were told he did it “for us”. Manager guy, who looked just like the pock marked leader of the Scorpions in Grease except shorter and not cool at all, says: “I did that. Those storms were so bad, when the wind came ripping up the hill it pulled your tent up and sent it tumbling across the road.” Then he adds: “It almost hit me in the head!” I was like, my-ass, jackass! First off, it was staked down. Second, how likely is it that this guy was standing in the middle of this one road, in the middle of this violent thunderstorm, just as the wind ravaged our tent and sent it flying into the air directly at him? What-ever guy! Not likely at all. But he was saying it like: “You’re lucky I was there and you’re lucky I’m not gonna sue you after your tent caused me emotional distress.” It was already dark and we still had to set up camp, again, so I had to let it go and get the heck out of Dodge.

That cat was just one of the residents of this fine “resort”. To give you a better idea what the rest of the bunch was like, let me present to you some of the pearls we heard freely flowing from the mouths of our neighboring trailerparkers. All but one were between the hours of 11pm and 1:30am.

Top 5 Things Overheard While Hiding In My Tent At The Trailer Park in Lodi, WI:

1: "You Fu*king HOOOOOAR!"

2: "He peed all over my hand!"

3: "Noooooooo! Stop Him!"

4: "Oh, I made some Meatloaf Salad."

5: I'M JUST GETTING MY CIGARETTES AND MY RUMPLEMINTZ!!!"

That last gem was from the not so dainty gal in the cabin next to us as she toppled out of the golf cart she crashed into their lot in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I honestly feared she, and the two chumps she picked up at the bar that night, were going to careen into our tent as they sped off into the dark towards whatever escapades they had in store. We were up even earlier on Sunday. We packed up the wet gear and sped off towards daylight and the boat dock. Good riddance to bad trash.

That place was a hot mess. But my buddy said something later, after we were home with our respective families, that made all this not such a big deal. "I had a blast" he said. And you know, I didn't even have to think about it...he was so right. Despite the crazy campers, I had a blast too. I had a wonderful, exciting, rejuvenating, guy's weekend of a trip and I am thankful. You are so right my man; we did have a blast. Thank you for reminding me. Next year, we just need to catch a few more bass!

Vacillate

2009-07-29T09:44:00.003-05:00

: to waver in mind, will, or feeling; hesitate in choice of opinions or courses

Jitterbugs

2009-07-20T11:01:00.014-05:00

No summertime blues in our house though! In fact, we’ve been having a great summer. Busy and great. The littlest one of us is up and running and saying new words every week. She’s also gotten into dolls, which is super cute. It’s also very cheap for us since her sisters had a pile of them. She's also learned to scream quite effectively. Swimming lessons ended, we had a few mini-vacations and tennis starts next week. I’m prepping for a Serena/Venus type of thing to happen with that. Luckily, the taller girls have no idea what that means so the pressure is off…for now. A Mass. vacation is scheduled for next month and then the Mrs. signed the older two up for dance in the fall. I didn’t like that move. I’ve been subjected to several recitals in the past few years. While it’s delightful to watch your nieces and nephews up there in lights, the other 2 hours and 50 minutes can be dreadful. I’m sorry to all you dance recital people out there, I know it’s a lot of work, but many of those kids don't even look like they're enjoying themselves. And when the adult classes start their routines, things just get weird. However, I’ve been told that my older girls “want to be on stage”. So boogie on my tiny dancers! I will be there for every single step, ball change, arabesque and do-si-do and then, hopefully, Grand-Slam title.

Other than that, I’ve been taking care of the lawn and gardens and getting as much fishing in as I can. Mostly its in the hour I create by ending work early and before I need to pick up the girls. I think I was skunked only once this year so far. I’m really refining my technique, but learning new tricks regularly. I’m heading to Wisconsin to meet a good friend for a little bass fishing weekend this Friday, in fact. I’m so excited I’m having trouble sleeping. I’m not kidding. This is going to be a real fishing trip, a serious dusk to dawn sporting event, so there’s a lot to think about. I’ve been reading reports on-line and reviewing Google Maps every day. My buddy, Todd, has been talking to a dude from Chicago who does this Midwest fishing TV show and is very familiar with our destination, Lake Wisconsin. Thankfully, he had some great info to share and we've come up with a definite game plan with some very specific spots to hit. I think our pre-fishing strategery will pay off. Once there, I plan on tossing frogs in the slop and, since we’ll be boating it like the pros, some flippin’ and pitchin’ a jig and pig combo to isolated cover. Oh man, that gave me chills. I need to stop the sexy talk.

Steamy

2009-06-15T15:31:00.038-05:00

You've heard the phrase “Food Porn” right? The colorful colloquialism is employed everywhere from Real Simple to Anthony Bourdain to the local food bloggers in every town. It’s a buzz word and it always makes me giggle. It’s a good description though. We watch the Food Network and read the magazines as a substitute for the real thing and it really can be stimulating. So if the Rachel Ray is regular old missionary style cuisine, then I have come across the raunchiest culinary fetish blog out there. I’m not sure if it’s a warning or recipe site, but it’s called ThisIsWhyYou'reFat.com and it will astound you six ways ‘till Sunday.

Feast your eyes on such tasty nuggets as the Twinkie Wiener Sandwich (That's a hot dog inside a Twinkie covered in Cheese Wiz), The Pattie LaBurger (A triple bacon cheeseburger sandwiched between two deep fried burger patties instead of a bun) or the Cornhole (Corn on the cob wrapped in bacon surrounded by two hot dogs and two cheese sticks encased in a wad of ground beef). I don't even understand how you're supposed insert that thing into your mouth, but I suggest the proper prophylactic be in place before attempting. Whatever floats your boat, right? I'll let you discover other gastronomical wonders such as the Sausage Fatty, Porkgasm, Toad in the Hole, Lardz, Meat Ship and Hot Beef Sundae on your own. You’ll need a romp on the elliptical just because you looked at this smut, trust me.

Speaking of exercise…the double jogging stroller has shipped from Mpls and should be in your possession within a day or two. Enjoy all that “walking for fitness” you have planned, Meat Ship... I mean, Ken!

Sweet Home

2009-06-03T10:23:00.034-05:00

Last week, we loaded up the Wagon Queen Family Truckster and took our brood on a little 400 mile road trip to the Windy City. Our good friends, K&J, have added two new children to their family & we were there to celebrate with them. It was exciting to meet these kids for the first time. They are beautiful, bright eyed and bushy tailed brothers with much vigor and verve. They like to run and jump and smile and crash things into other things; like walls, trees and people. They also liked hitting me and jabbing me in the torso with plastic spikes. Why K&J have a horseshoe set in the yard, I do not know. But I can say the bros don’t know the official rules of horseshoes yet. Nonetheless, a few minor puncture wounds to my belly and thigh notwithstanding, a wonderful time was had by all.

K&J were fun to watch as well. I think it’s easy for everyone to forget that they are brand new parents when their kids are 3 & 4. I thought about how much I have learned over the, almost, 4 years of being a father myself. I recall feeling so ill-prepared and lost those first few months. Nothing can truly equip you for what's in store. K&J certainly did their research, read the books, talked to pros and other families, but it’s a different story once the kids are there; literally over night, in your home, in your charge. I remember feeling so overwhelmed. I imaging K&J are feeling a little of the same right now. I know they are. They're doing a great job though. There is a lot of love in that house. I hope there are a lot of band aids too.

This trip was also a bit atypical for me. It was the first time, since I moved to the City of Big Shoulders in 1990, that I felt a little like a tourist. I guess I have been away for quite some time and we did do some “touristy” things; like visiting Millennium Park for the first time. It was sort of sad. Chicago is my kind of town, but it’s no longer my second city. I’m OK with that though. I loved being able to take my own girls around my Alma mater and former haunts. We got to show them mom and dad’s last apt. They loved the “L” and splashing in the reflection pool of the new Crown Fountain. We even got to take them to Garcia’s for veggie burritos with cheese. Experiencing new things with my own children, watching them discover new things for themselves, thrills me to no end.

When we returned from our trip I let the dog out, unpacked the car and turned on the sprinkler. It was nice. No, it was more than nice. We were home and I was glad. And then this morning, in the car, my two older girls asked when they would next see their new friends in "she-KAH-go", John and Andre and Gregory. Those are kids of some of my best friends. I told them "soon", but I don't know if that's true. How time flies. How my children continue to overwhelm me.

Accept

2009-05-20T07:57:00.016-05:00

Bumper sticker on a blue Mazda Protegé at the intersection of Lexington and Yankee Doodle Rd:

OBEY GRAVITY
It's the Law!

Flourishing

2009-05-09T21:47:00.018-05:00

Spring hit us with a resplendent POW! this week. It was like a switch was flicked and the swelling buds were finally free to split their seams. I love the newness of this time. There is restoration and revival all around. It's invigorating! Remember that tree in our front yard? It lit itself up the other day in an explosion of soft, white, efflorescence. It's radiant.

Our tallest little one seems to have inherited my fondness for flora. She's pointing out the "sprouts" everywhere we go. "Look! It's SPROU-TED!" she hollers; much like she did with the holiday lights in the middle of winter. It's darling.

When you hear her impassioned tone, one can't help but remember, or realize, just how significant Springtime really is. I need to thank her for that. It's amazing how fast things grow.

Waiting

2009-04-20T10:47:00.012-05:00

The dolphin show at the MN Zoo remains in abeyance after Dolphin Allie's calf didn't survive her birth on March 26. In fact, the pod was only recently re-united. The guys and gals were segregated these past few months after behavioral issues made Allie's pregnancy risky and the G-rated shows impossible. But all 4 seem to be doing well now and team building with trainers is under way.

My baby baby turned one year old herself this weekend. I love you all the way to the moon and back SJ. Our pod is healthy and beautiful. Here’s a neat pic of a couple of my zoo babies from this weekend.

Darjeeling

2009-04-16T13:45:00.049-05:00

It's take a lot, but I was left agape today. While perusing the on-line news with a cup of joe, as is my early morning custom, I scanned a caption that immediately caused my mouse finger to twitch and my gag reflex to tickle.

This week, Republicans across the country have been hosting "Tea Parties" to protest President Obama's tax policy and bank bailouts. We had one here in St. Paul yesterday. I guess they found it cute (ironic?) to hold the event on "Tax Day", because many of them were scheduled for the 15th. Of course, these events are in reference to the infamous "Boston Tea Party" of 1773 whereat colonialists dumped shiploads of tea into Boston Harbor rather than pay the British tax on it. That protest eventually led to the American Revolution. I don't think many of the news outlets here even covered the get-together of, self-proclaimed, teabaggers on the Capitol lawn.

But I'll tell you what they're all talking about today. That snarky, not-gay, could be straight, who cares which way he goes , Anderson Hays Cooper and his potty mouth. Last night, on AC360, while talking with a panel of pundits about the Prez' Georgetown speech on the financial crisis earlier in the day, this went down:

David Gergen: "They still haven't found their voice, Anderson. This happens to a minority party after it's lost a couple of bad elections, but they're searching for their voice."

Cooper (and the headline): "It's hard to talk when you're teabagging."

!!! If I could insert one of those shocked face smileys here, I would. And he barely even smirked! Impressive. Sorry Chester, but I don't make this stuff up and this was too funny to pass on. I'll even dangle a little video out there for you. Not really appropriate for a news person on National television but, man, what a zinger!

Ominous

2009-04-08T15:23:00.003-05:00

Bumper sticker on a silver Honda Element at Pilot Knob Rd. & 494 around 3pm:

Every Month is Zombie Awareness Month

Mii Oh My

2009-04-01T13:06:00.025-05:00

Just when I think the Germans have the market cornered on quirkiness, something comes along that makes me remember that one country’s fetish is another country’s fun. Case in point: Japan.

Last year, Kyoto’s video game giant, Nintendo, released an “amazing virtual pee experience” for their wildly popular Wii gaming console. The game, called Super Pii Pii Brothers, requires the participant to strap-on a Wii controller and whiz their way to points by soaking targets in on-screen toilets. Players control the flow by twisting their torso and gyrating their hips. Sounds super fun! With “amazingly realistic pee fluid dynamics”, 100 different “peeing environments”, multiple toilet & urinal styles and a competitive “dueling pee stream mode”, what more could you ask for in a video game? Japanese school girls are reportedly lining up in droves to take a swing with the new thing. They say it can’t be beat.

OK, confession: that game was made up, but not by me. It was done as last year’s April Fool’s Day joke by the Internet culture web site, Think Geek. (Check out today’s “Squeeze Bacon”.) I just ran across it for the first time the other day though and totally fell for it. The Japanese put out some weird stuff, especially technology wise, so I hardly questioned it. But, when I found out it was a gag, I did feel bad for the disgruntled gals that wouldn’t get to experience the “first time pleasure of urinating while standing” that the fake Super Pii Pii Brother’s box promised.

If you were feeling the same way, don't worry! All is not lost my gal-pals! And don’t be ashamed either; urinating while standing truly is a pleasure. So, for you, I pose the P-Mate! A “portable urinating device that allows women to urinate standing up wherever and whenever they need to, without losing their dignity.” Handy.

And if poise and decorum isn’t your thing, I offer you the Shenis. Sounds like “penis” and looks like a 12 inch long, gold colored, hard plastic penis. But it's not. It's a 12 inch long, gold colored, hard plastic “urinary director” that's shaped like a penis. I only wish this was a joke. Happy April 1 nonetheless.

Guten Appetit!

2009-03-17T12:37:00.014-05:00

Europe loves Barack Obama. They love him; even the French. But the Germans are Obamamaniacs. The Germans LIEBE him. Karsten Voigt, Germany’s Coordinator for Trans-Atlantic Relations, declared: "Germany is Obamaland” during the Prez' January tour of the continent. You can buy a collector worthy Obama doll, created by renowned German doll maker Marcel Offermann, there for a mere $216 US. "The doll works more on a symbolic level," notes Offermann. I would agree. In an another attempt to capitalize on his popularity, German frozen food company, Sprehe Feinkost, (that’s Sprehe “fine foods”) has produced a new poultry product they decided to dub: Obama Fingers. “Tender, juicy pieces of chicken breast” that are “coated and fried" and served up with a tasty curry dip.

When the possibility of consumer backlash was posed to the co. by a German magazine, Sprehe sales manager, Judith Witting, said: “The word ‘fingers’ in the name refers to the fact that it is a finger food. It's like ‘hotdogs’…No one would ever think they are actually from dogs,” missing the point completely. Now, I feel that political correctness can get a little rambunctious at times (e.g. Freedom Fries) and, to be fair, it doesn’t sound like the racial undertones have even registered with Sprehe yet, but this should have at least been a blip on someone's radar.

It is another country though. I shoulden't be so ethnocentric. Some things won't have the same ring in Deutschland as they might in the States. For better or worse, I suppose. Take for instance the “Gutvik” children’s bed sold by IKEA. Although originally named after a sleepy Swedish village, “gut vik” in German means, “good fu*k”. German IKEA’s sold the good f*ck children’s bed for a while. They also have “Vulva” perfume? It's the German scent that smells like...apple blossoms. I'm just kidding; it smells like vagina. This wasn’t an accident though. It’s vagina scented perfume for women who want to smell like a vagina all over. (Check out some reactions.) And then there’s “Ejaculada”, the German alcoholic sports drink that may or may-not contain actual semen. Yum?

I don't know, but I guess, with products like that, naming your fried chicken after America’s first black President isn't the most peculiar marketing ploy after all. And Germany is Kookyland.

Dear Diarrhea...

2009-03-10T12:51:00.018-05:00

Rotavirus is a genus of nonenveloped, double-stranded RNA virus in the family Reoviridae that affects the gastrointestinal system. It's the most common cause of severe diarrhea among children. Every year, about 55,000 tots in the US contract it. Worldwide, 660,000 die from it. It's serious shit and it seeped into our household this weekend.

We don't have a confirmed diagnosis from the CDC or anything, but I looked it up on WebMD and that's just as good, right? Anyhow, after ruling out Shigellosis, Campylobacter, Food Poisoning, Drug Overdose, Giardiasis and Lactose Intolerance, Rotavirus it was. (Actually, their mom, our medical professional, called it after a couple hours.) I'm sure some dirty little day care kid spread it to my family with their dirty little poop fingers. It started out with vomiting. First the baby, then her sister, then the other. They went down like dominoes even before their their temps began to rise. The diarrhea came a day later. Oh God, the diarrhea. It was horrible; this soupy, sour smelling, rota-rhea. My little angels were knocked on their stinky asses by this infectious agent. They were reduced to sacks of 101 degree mush. They couldn’t eat or drink or even sing along to Annie, which we watched, like, 5 times in 4 days. They just laid there, puking then pooping on themselves and me. All I could tell them was, "the sun will come out tomorrow my dears."

I feel a little guilty for getting huffy every time I had to clean up a mess. Things were much worse for my girls than me, I know, I really do and I felt so sad for them; but it was such a mess. I kept saying, “hate the diarrhea, not the diarrheaer”. But man, we went through a month’s worth of bedding and clothing this weekend. 9 loads of laundry. I cursed the little urchin that brought this plague upon our home! I bet it was Brandon.

Turns out half our day care group was struck; including Day Care Lady herself. She was at some board meeting Friday night when it hit her. I’ll confess, that made me laugh a little. (Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now.) She should be hyper-vigilant about hand washing this week though. She better be because kids can become re-contaminated and I don't want any of us to go through this again, ever. And if I end up coming down with it, lil' Brandon better watch his back.

8oo8le55

2009-03-03T11:25:00.017-06:00

Slip in your pocket protector and polish your slide rule. We're gonna party like it's March 3, 2009. Happy Square Root Day Everyone! This rare holiday happens when the day and month are both the square root of the last two digits of the current year. It only occurs nine times a century folks. Mathematically, March 3, 2009, can be expressed as 3/3/09 or, as the cool kids call it: 3² = 3 × 3 = 9. Woot Woot! Ron Gordon, a Redwood City, CA. driver's ed and substance abuse teacher, dreamed up the day as a way to get kids excited about math.

“These days are like calendar comets, you wait and wait and wait for them, then they brighten up your day — and poof — they’re gone,” says Ron.

And if the mad math itself doesn't motivate you, how about the prospect of pocketing 339 dollars straight outta Ron's own wallet? That's right; pull off the biggest Square Root Day event and it's yours. You have to sign up on his daughter's Facebook "Square Root Day" event page to get in on it though. Believe it or not, there are several sites dedicated to the day, so make sure you hit up the right page.

Now, you might be wondering, how does one celebrate such a magnificently mathematical milestone? Suggestions include: cutting root vegetables into cubes and cooking up some hash; baking a carrot cake in a 9x9 pan; watching a VHS marathon of the second season of Square Pegs; square dancing and mowing the square root symbol in a corn field. Gordon's own students will be dining on "root" beer in "square" beakers. (Damn, he's good!)

If you're thinking, eh, this is just another made up holiday, you'd totally be right. But know that the next one won't come before 4/4/16. However, if you do miss it, there's always March 14 (3.14), also known as Pi Day. Or the other "calendar comet" of November 11, 2011 (On the Power of One Day, at 11:11:11 am, on 11.11.11, something weird will happen). And on 03.06.09, geeks everywhere will be escorting their Real Dolls to the Watchmen premier. Watch out.

Myself, I'm going to find, at least, one person to tell the story of the lass with boobs that weighed 69 lbs. to. I'll break out my calculator to show them that 69 is too, too, too heavy. So she had to go to Fifty First St. to see Dr. X, who gave her 8 operations, that equal 55378008, which spells out the poor girl's fate...when I turn my Casio upside down!

Bridge and f-holes

2009-02-02T10:13:00.026-06:00

From Steven Isserlis to YoYo Ma to that dude from North Park who played on the Siamese Dream record, cellists everywhere are breathing a collective sigh of relief and thanking their lucky stars that their seed factories are out of harm’s way. The scourge of the violoncello world is no more! Actually…it never was.

The list of Repetitive Strain Injuries seems to grow longer each year. We continue to abuse and misuse our tools to the point of tissue damage and chronic pain. There’s "writer’s cramp", "tennis elbow", "Rubik’s wrist" and "Blackberry thumb". Until recently, there was also "Cello Scrotum". Often snicker about by the flautists in the orchestra pit; this distressing disease was no laughing matter to serious cellists. In fact, for over 30 years now, it has been the bane of their professional careers. Well, the players with dangly bits bane. Turns out, if they were having problems with their beanbag, it wasn't from playing the cello.

The hoax started, in May of 1974, when Dr. Elaine Murphy, and her husband John, responded to a letter in the British Medical Journal regarding the (bona fide) condition of Guitarists Nipple (a painful irritation of the nipples experienced by classical guitar players). Dr. Murphy, a former Professor of Psychiatry of Old Age at Guy's Hospital in London, now a Baroness and member of the British House of Lords, detailed the harrowing inflammation some cellists experience after rubbing their testicles on their instrument too much. Apparently, the Murphys, believing the original article to be a cock-and-bull story itself, decided to one-up the account with a made up malady of their own and Cello Scrotum was coined. As guitarists nipple is real, the BMJ considered the Murphy’s claim authentic and published the piece. They were stunned, but stayed mum. The sham syndrome was cited in a research article later that year and Cello Scrotum has been a diagnosable disorder ever since.

About a month ago, after seeing another real references to their bogus diagnosis, Baroness Murphy could remain silent no more and turned out another letter to the BMJ to tattle on her own transgression. “Perhaps after 34 years it’s time for us to confess that we invented cello scrotum.” They seem to still be laughing at their own joke too. “Somewhat to our astonishment, the letter was published...Anyone who has ever watched a cello being played would realize the physical impossibility of our claim.” The editors of the BMJ said no harm, no foul and appear to be glad they were let in on the gag.

Sweet. Now that the Baroness and her John came clean, we can all get back to wild, reckless, unprotected, cello jams, thank you!

Iambic Tetrameter

2009-01-23T13:43:00.010-06:00

Beloved American author and illustrator, Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known to most as Dr. Seuss, has become part of our household's bedtime ritual. I’ll be honest, I enjoy his work. It’s fun to read his sing-songy poetry aloud. Geisel, by the way, pronounced it “Soice”; rhymes with “voice”. His father and father’s father were both Massachusetts brewmansters and young Theodore really, truly, liked to drink. He likes to drink, and drink, and drink. The thing he likes to drink is ink. The ink he likes to drink is pink. He likes to wink and drink pink ink…and beer. He wrote 51 books under the Dr. Seuss pen name. 13 more as Theo LeSieg (Geisel spelled backwards) and 1 as Rosetta Stone.

Arguably, his most famous literary accomplishment is, The Cat In The Hat. According to lore, after the 236 word text became a hit 1956, Random House publisher, and co-founder, Bennett Cerf (rhymes with smurf) bet the good Dr. that he could not produce a book using only 50 words. Geisel won the $50 bet with…Green Eggs and Ham.

Who can recall those 50 words? I, would not, could not, recall all 50 words. Not in a house. Not in a box. Not with a mouse. Not with a fox. I tried for the better part of my work day, in fact. I did get close though. Could you, would you, attempt to name all 50 words? Give it a whirl and then let me know how you did. I’ll even give you a hint: only a single word in the entire story has more than one syllable.

If you can’t do it, and it’s driving you crazy like it did me, here is the list. Try not to cheat. And if you think you really know your Seuss, here is an actual timed test that gives you 10 minutes to complete the task. Try it and you may I say!

Year Of The Ox

2009-01-12T11:17:00.007-06:00

Happy New Year everybody! It’s been a while, I know, but the holidays were a busy time for our household. What’s new, right? We did have a wonderful Christmas though. Hope you and yours were filled with the spirit and enjoyed your own festivities as much as we did ours.

So what is new for 2009 here at HQ? Well, as if we don’t already have enough gadgets to plug in and maintain (cell phones, iPods, Leapsters, breast pumps, etc.) the Mrs. and I have allowed a couple new electronic strangers into our home to eavesdrop on our “media exposure”. That’s right, we were asked to be Arbitron…um, Subjects? Guinea pigs? Suckers? I’m not sure, but they’re going to monitor every second of our waking life with a newfangled gizmo called The Portable People Meter.

Arbitron has been spying on American radio listeners since 1949. Until now, they relied on hand written diaries each participant mailed to them every week for a year. But that all changed with the introduction of the PPM; the “next generation of electronic ratings.” It’s a pager sized device that we, for some reason, agreed to actually wear on our person throughout the day. The rep on the phone last night said “we know when it’s on you and we know when it’s not.” That was a little freaky, but I was still interested. Apparently, radio stations embed sonic code within their broadcasts that come out of your speakers, along with the regular audio programming, but are undetectable by the human ear. It’s like a radio dog whistle. Scientists call it "psychoacoustic masking." Arbitron calls it money in the bank.

These little bits of code are not limited to radio either. Arbitron will know when I'm watching broadcast television, HD Cable, TiVo, MPEG video, even streaming Internet radio and Podcasts. They will know the sounds I’m exposed to in the elevator, the football game and the produce isle of my grocery store. It’s kind of neat. Unfortunately, I can’t get detailed info on my unique media exposure, but that’s something Arbitron is “working on”. They do compensate a little for the time too. I don’t recall exactly, but it like $10 for signing on, $20 for plugging it in and, depending on how much you wear the thing, they send cash money - up to $109 a month each. Not bad, I say.

Oh, and if in the near future you start seeing a whole lot more House Hunters International, Classic Albums and The Backyardigans on your tube, sorry ‘bout that. At least the music in the elevator might be a lot better.

4 Alarm Holiday

2008-12-09T10:00:00.004-06:00

Here you go Mrs. M. The twinkling is hard to capture in a photo. That's the part I like best, but I did get some fresh falling snow. Awwwww.

"Is your house on fire, Clark? No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights."

Well Thought Out Twinkles

2008-12-05T09:24:00.005-06:00

“The Holidays” are here. Everyone is wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the season. I know I am, at least. So much to do, only 19 shopping days left. Our older girls love the holiday lights on people’s homes. LOVE them. Every time they see a house that’s decorated, they both scream “Christmaaaaas!” If four houses in a row are lit up, you will hear four Christmaaaaas’ in a row. It’s not even annoying. So, knowing how much they enjoy this and, I’ll admit, to keep up with the Joneses a bit, I decided to wire the little dogwood at the end of our front walkway. I planned out the design for a week. I did it right too; lights, cords, a photocell timer. I even had a buddy help me rewire the closest outside outlet. I did several strings of solid white lights and several strings of “twinkling” that I planned to intermix. That should have produced a beautifully glowing white with random sparkles. And you know what? It did just that. The girls squealed with glee when they noticed the brilliantly lit tree in their own front yard. I was pretty proud of myself too. Except for that one hole on the right side.

I tried to leave well enough alone. I really did. The Mrs. insisted there was no “hole”; but I could see it. After a few nights it's all I could see. So, the other day, I stopped by Menards and picked up one more string of lights. I pulled out the ladder, plugged it into the end of one of those twinklers and meticulously wrapped it around the non-illuminated branches of the upper right quadrant of the dogwood. My masterpiece of flaming holiday festivity was now complete. Wanting to share the joy, I ran inside and grabbed the girls so we could all admire my handiwork in the warmth of the other side of the living room windows. We got there just in time to see the tree seemingly extinguish itself.

Did you know those light strings have fuses? I’ve also learned that those fuses are exactly why they tell you, on that little warning tag, not to string more than 3 sets of lights together. A landscape-architect friend was pretty surprised I initially had 11 running all at once. #12 did the trick though. Pop. Last night, as I worked through the entanglement of Christmas lights trying to identify the bum wire, I was not a happy Santa’s helper. I ended up removing all 12 strings in the 12 degree cold. I have a new design that I will implement this weekend though. Wish me luck. And if I don’t get back here to post anything in the next couple weeks…Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. See you next year!

Await

2008-11-17T09:46:00.020-06:00

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” - Morrie Schwartz

Today, our good friends, K&J, will board an airplane that will take them to the country of Kazakhstan. They are going to meet two boys who will be joining their clan and their household will instantly double. In a few months they will all return to the US and the journey of four lifetimes will merge. The plan's been years in the making. You wouldn't believe the diligence required for this complex undertaking and you couldn't imagine the amount of waiting. I am so excited for this new family. I’m proud of my friend. May peace and felicity be with you and yours, today and always, my man.

It's a Super Tuesday

2008-11-04T08:13:00.001-06:00

2008-10-31T08:22:00.002-05:00

Fishy

2008-10-22T14:51:00.015-05:00

Our older girls love the dolphin show at the MN Zoo. LOVE it. It is absolutely one of their most cherished activities. I suspect their current love of Ariel is directly related to their first love of dolphins. Since so many families seem to share this common experience, you could imagine my surprise when we entered Discovery Bay one August afternoon to find no line for the dolphin show. Usually, there are hundreds of abandoned baby buggies at the foot of the winding stairway that leads up to auditorium. I knew something was amiss as soon as I spied the empty stroller coral. Sadly, we were informed that one of the dolphins is pregnant and the dolphin show has been put on indefinite hiatus. It could even be on hold until this particular marine mammal births her baby. Not sad for the dolphins mind you; but for me, who had to explain to our girls why we weren’t going to see the dolphins that day…and maybe for a long time after. Surprisingly, they accepted the pregnant dolphin story hook, line and sinker. Even today, when something dolphin comes up, it’s highly likely one, or both of them, will say: “the dolphin show is having a baby”, followed by a sigh, but then a quick return to whatever they had been engaged in before dolphins had come up.

Fast forward to last week when I run across an odd little news item from the Pioneer Press regarding the dolphin show. Apparently, the zoo staff had significantly streamlined their story. Yes, one of the female dolphins, Allie, is pregnant and expecting next spring. However, April, Allie’s mother, who is not pregnant, is behaving as if she was. She’s also not eating. Zoo biologists can’t figure out why. To make matters worse, all this pregnancy and fake pregnancy is apparently making Semo, Allie’s babydaddy, really, really, horny. He’s chasing that mother-daughter tail as fast as he can and neither the mother or daughter are making it hard for him. Quite to the contrary.

The presence of a female and a male is all it takes with dolphins,” said Kevin Willis, director of biological programs at the Apple Valley zoo. “Dolphins are a species that are pretty easy to breed. They’re big, and they do it often. They’re not shy or secretive. Parents found themselves even having to explain the dolphin trio’s behaviors to their kids, Willis said. The dolphins were so sexually distracted that trainers had to cancel their shows.

What you talkin ‘bout Willis! It’s like a Jerry Springer cast you got swimming around up in there. Willis says: “all four will now be managed as breeding dolphins to get ready for next year's calf birth." Spree, Semo’s 7 y/o dtr. has so far kept her relationships platonic. "Until now, they'd been managed as show animals. So we just decided, with one confirmed pregnancy and one we're not sure about, let's just take away any stress, take away the show element of the day…Not an easy decision, but we decided we would just let those animals have a break." Except, from the sounds of it, those animals aren't resting much. Holla!

Contaminated

2008-10-09T14:51:00.002-05:00

We received an email last night that appeared to be a side by side comparison of McCain and Obama’s tax plans, entitled: “2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE COMPARISON TALKING POINTS”. It was the type of viral email I wouldn't usually bother responding to, but, it came from family. I won’t say who, but they're born and raised in MN. And they’re parents. Old enough to be my parents, in fact. I’ve mentioned I’m from Massachusetts, right? Born and raised in Mass. Anyhow, here’s an example of of some of these “talking points”:

Sen. McCain on Income Tax: Single making 50K = tax $12,500 (No change). Sen. Obama: Single making 50K = tax $14,000 (Under Obama, your taxes could almost double!)
Voted against making English the official language: Sen McCain: No, Sen. Obama: Yes

You get the picture. Total Republican propaganda. So, in an attempt to reply to this nonsense as politely as I could, I did a little Internet research on this chain letter. First of, Snopes.com (the urban myth web site) has this to say:

Every recent presidential election cycle has brought e-mail forwards that paint the Democratic party candidate as a proponent of a "tax and spend" philosophy (who will inevitably implement significant tax increases on taxpayers across all income levels) and present the Republican candidate as a model of fiscal conservatism, and the example (here) fits this pattern....According to the Tax Policy Center's analysis (View Here) of the candidates' proposed tax changes, the primary difference between them would be distributional, with Senator Obama’s proposal favoring lower-income taxpayers and Senator McCain's favoring higher-income taxpayers. (Read the full post here.)

Second, and don't ask how I got from that to this, I just did and your hair band may be made with used condoms.

In November 2007, news emerged from China that some hair band manufactured there were found to have been made from recycled condoms. The prophylactic hair ties were discovered in Dongguan and Guangzhou, two cities in the province of Guangdong. The “secret ingredient” came to light when a young woman in Dongguan thought to investigate the hair bands given to her in a local salon after one began to fray, revealing an unexpected color inside.

I'm not sure which story grosses me out more. Wait, it's definitely used condoms in people's hair. Although, both are pretty offensive. Here's the full post, with pictures! And for gosh sakes, don't put those things in your mouth anymore.

Lactiferous

2008-09-24T13:35:00.015-05:00

The folks at PETA have apparently sent Jerry Greenfield and Ben Cohen , better know to most of us as "Ben & Jerry" an odd little letter. In it, the animal welfare organization urges the ice-cream magnates to stop using cow's milk and replace it with human breast milk. "The breast is best!" they say. "Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream?"

They cite Swiss restaurateur, Hans Loche, who recently unveiled plans to include human breast milk in recipes on the menu at his restaurant, Storchen, as the inspiration for their idea. Their dumb, dumb, idea.

Damn right, it's better than yours

Gift

2008-09-17T14:55:00.003-05:00

Every day there are thousands of people waiting for some kind of transplant to save their life. 30% of people in need find a donor from within their own family. 70% need the help of a stranger.

Right now, NASCAR is paying the $52 tissue typing cost for anyone who meets the eligibility criteria for the National Marrow Donor Program. A bone marrow transplant is often the only option people with Leukemia and Lymphoma have left to live. Donor's don't even have to be a "perfect match", but a patient does need a donor whose cells are as close to theirs as possible. We did the tissue typing this week. It's as simple as swiping 4 cotton swabs across the inside of your cheek, closing the envelope and dropping it in a mailbox. The eligibility determination is done on-line. It takes 10 solid minutes. If you pass, they send the typing kit to you in the mail. You send it back. You're on the Registry.

Go to www.marrow.org. Look for the "Event's" box on the right side and click on "NASCAR Foundation Drive". The drive ends Sept. 22.

Politicization

2008-09-12T08:47:00.003-05:00

Your true political self?

The Anarchists Scare Me.

2008-09-04T15:59:00.024-05:00

Really, they do.

McCain's speech is hours away and things are already getting tense downtown. Coast Guard boats with machine guns are cruising up and down the river. Clusters of cops, some in riot gear, are everywhere and we're a mile from the RNC. Traffic is totally erratic. A posse of protesters gathered on the South side of the river and had people heading towards the Capitol, over the Wabasha St. bridge, in staggered squads of 8-10. The sky is ominously overcast. Everybody here in the office is restless, at best.

The news is releasing more and more info on the anarchists. Apparently, they have been watched pretty closely over the last year. I suppose it wasn't that hard, seeing how they have their own web site and MySpace page. Police raided their home base, a banquet hall on Smith Ave., last Friday and confiscated a good amount of bad things. Plans that were, at least, discussed at one point or another included the possibility of kidnapping delegates, blockading bridges, using liquid sprayers filled with urine or chemicals on police and throwing marbles to trip police and their horses. But they do provide childcare to visiting anti-authoritarians who are coming to town. How weird is that?!

You can follow some of their actual chatter here, here and here on Twitter.

Bull On Parade

2008-09-03T09:07:00.021-05:00

Although not as large scale as Monday’s protest, two smaller groups met in downtown St. Paul last night as their respective, and peaceful, events concluded. One was the 1000 person strong Poor Peoples March that started in Mears Park and was sponsored by the Poor People’s Economic Human Rights Campaign. Cheri Honkala, leader of the campaign, urged participants to remain pacific, pointing out the large number of children in attendance. She went as far as to single out the anarchists, that she knew had intermixed with the crowd, and said she would hold them personally responsible for any violence that occurred during their event.

As the march made its way down 7th, to the Xcel Center, the crowd suddenly tripled as they were joined by concert-goers leaving the Ripple Effect festival on the State Capitol lawn. It just so happened that Rage Against The Machine showed up, unannounced, to end the show. Police, however, seemingly chose to pull the plug on the concert rather than let the band play. Apparently, they were not included on the permit and the cops felt it was too close to the event’s 7PM curfew to make changes. Until this point, the crowd, who was predominantly hippy, had peacefully burned bundles of sage and grooved to the likes of Matisyahu, Michael Franti and WookieFoot. When RATM was denied access the stage, singer Zach De La Rocha and guitarist Tom Morello successfully riled up the gathering by jumping onto the lawn and leading a cappella versions of old RATM songs. Radio reports of a free Rage show had expanded the crowd to about 2000. Then, the band members started the now en-raged fans in a procession off the Capitol grounds, straight towards the heart of the RNC and the end of the Poor People’s March.

The crowd, which estimates put at 4000 by now, was stopped at the 8 foot fences that cordon off the RNC “security perimeter”. Honkala used a megaphone to chastise the riot police who were there to greet them. "We want to charge the folks that are in the Xcel Energy Center with crimes against humanity" Honkala said as the crowd chanted: “The whole world is watching!" The group peacefully disbanded after no one from the RSC came out to receive the subpoena.

30 minutes later, a smaller crowd of protesters re-formed in the middle of the 7th & St. Peter intersection to block traffic. St. Joseph's Hospital was placed on lockdown from about 8 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. due to the large protester presence. Police ordered the group to disburse. When they did not, it was declared an “unlawful assembly” and they disbursed the crowd themselves…using tear gas, bean-bag guns and concussion grenades.

Now, I'm not saying things wouldn't have gotten ugly downtown again if RATM did their thing or not (those anarchists are friggin' nutty), but I find it interesting that reports have the band, and the bodyguards that accompanied them, quietly exiting their parade soon after it left the Capitol lawn. Allegedly, people didn't know they weren't following RATM all the way to the RNC. But they can catch Rage when they play their show at the Target Center tonight! Seats are only $60 and available through Ticketmaster.

One State Two State Red State Blue State

2008-09-02T10:46:00.010-05:00

Although the RNC kicked off with very little fanfare, due to the impending landfall of Hurricane Gustav, the Republicans are definitely in town. Word on the street is that NOLA was "spared" so they can now get back to business and get their party on. They’re promising to "rev things up" today. Gustav sure didn't hinder the rioters though. About 200 or so self-described "anarchists" splintered from the 10,000 person, and otherwise peaceful, anti-war protest yesterday. Property was destroyed and people were hurt. Cops and National Guard were forced to use tear gas and rubber bullets on the crowd. It was sad to see. It was sad to see the efforts of the other 9,800 people so undermined by their hurtful BS too.

SUSPENDED!

2008-08-29T10:01:00.006-05:00

"My superiors weren't happy."

Say it ain't so! It's over before it started. What could they have possibly found offense with? That's nunsense, I say. Rev. Run says he was "misunderstood". At least there's still the Backgammon World Cup to look forward too.

Back In The Habit

2008-08-25T13:05:00.013-05:00

The Olympics might be over, but fear not competition junkies; you can still experience the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat elsewhere. August is chock-full of events to get your sport fix on. The NFL pre-season kicks off. The ‘08 PGA Championship will be held in England. The World Track & Field Championships are in Goteborg, Sweden. The US Open, Backgammon World Cup and National Hot Air Balloon & World Body Surfing Championships are all being held in the U.S. But the most exciting competition coming down the Pike has to be: “Miss Sister 2008”.

I ain’t talkin’ sibling or best friend sister-from-another-mister here. I’m talking nuns folks. As in Roman Catholic. As in taking permanent solemn vows of poverty, chastity & obedience. As in committing herself to a lifetime of prayer, meditation and service to the needy, sick, poor and uneducated. Mother Teresa, Agnes of God, Sister Act 2 type of nuns.

Miss Sister 2008 was conceived by Italian priest, and school teacher, Rev. Antonio Rungi. His aim is to give nuns “more visibility within the Catholic church and to fight the stereotype that they are old and dour.” And what better way to do that than by posting their pictures on the Internet so the citizens of the world can ogle them and vote on which sister is the sexiest. Or, as Rev. Run puts it: "Vote for the nun they consider a model". He goes on to say: "We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits, but being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it."

Maybe so, but this is an awesomely awful idea. Good thinking Rev. The site's not yet up and running, but, trust me, I will keep you posted on the details of this impending train wreck.

Blogs by Catholic nuns.

Maybe You Should Have Uglier Friends

2008-08-11T12:14:00.010-05:00

Deutsche Telekom, known Stateside as T-Mobile and in my house as the company that collect our cell phone bill each month, has made a few changes. Along with dumping Catherine Zeta-Jones as their spokesperson, they seem to be discontinuing certain services; such as the picture album I was so very fond of. "Get More" is what Catherine used to say. But she's gone and a lot of the "more" seems to be, well, no more. Their new tag line is "Stick Together"; which I take to mean: "Sorry we screwed you by eliminating those fun and free services, but please don't leave us". It's more of a plea. T-Mobile is now offering land lines for your home though. Yippee? That move doesn't even make sense to me. I’m sure it was costly though. And so it goes.

I was glad to hear, from more than one person, that my pic site was down. That means it’s actually getting looked at. So, I decided it was a worthwhile ingredient of Humdrummy and looked into keeping it in the recipe. Snap shots can now be seen on a spankin’ new Google Web Album. The permanent link in the sidebar has been updated. It’s definitely not as easy for me to post pics, as I can’t simply hit send from my handheld, but now I can upload quality shots from a real camera. The down side, however, is that I have to upload shots from a real camera. Which means more work. And time. Which I don’t have much spare of. Time that is. The work is endless. But I digress.

Check out some new shots of the fam.

Original Wisconsin Ducks

2008-07-23T15:40:00.010-05:00

Babies require a lot of attention. Toddlers require a lot of supervision. With all the attending and supervising I’ve been doing lately, I don't have much time for anything else. Things like lawn mowing and dental maintenance and blogging have to be put on the back burner. I really need to get a chipped molar fixed, but I decided to jot a few line here instead. Decisions, decisions.

Just got back from a dream vacation in the Dells though. That’s Wisconsin Dells, WI. if you ain’t from around here. The Dells of the Wisconsin River are a scenic, glacially-formed, gorge that feature striking sandstone rock formations along its banks. It’s also the primo family vacation hot spot for the upper Midwest! 5 million people pour into this little city every summer to slide their asses down the thousands of indoor/outdoor rides in one of the city’s 21 waterparks. The “Waterpark Capitol of the World” it is! There are drop slides, water coasters, wave pools, racing slides, river rapids, bowl rides and geysers galore. 70 acres of water slide to be precise. Go-karts, mini-golf, bungee jump cranes and dangerously unstable carnival rides fill the space between parks. Plus, they sell liquor in the gas stations. It’s cheesy as hell, but we had a blast. I think it helped that we stayed at a resort on the edge of town, so we were able to avoid all the nonsense that happens in the evenings on “the strip”. We were tipped off to this family friendly lodge by friends who have made it an annual trip. So we took the plunge and plopped down some substantial coin. We carted in most of our food and, pretty much, blocked out the world during our stay. Our tots are serious tadpoles. We just finished up parent/child swim lessons and this was a great way to test out their skills. I think they do best at sinking like rocks. But they are not afraid! We were ever vigilant in our life-guarding. They kept us on out toes, to say the least. But every morning we were at the park the moment it opened. They couldn't’t get enough of it. I have to admit, I never expected to have as much fun as I did. Baby had a great time too. I think. Maybe it wasn't much different for her. Nap, eat, nap, eat, spit-up, coo, nap some more. At least she had a lot to look at. And I mean a lot. You wouldn’t think it, but bikinis in Wisconsin are popular. They really shouldn't be. We spent our last day visiting the Mrs' Alma matter in Madison. They dress appropriately there. However, I was a little weirded out by how young college students look to me now.

My Country Tis Of Thee

2008-07-04T07:48:00.008-05:00

July 4, 1776: Our forefathers at the second Continental Congress adopted the Declaration Of Independence and broke free from the British empire by proclaiming themselves a sovereign nation. And so began life in these United States. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't until August 2 that John Hancock put his, er...John Hancock on the actual hand written Declaration. Here are some more Fun Facts from the US Census Bureau:

2.5 million: The estimated number of people living in the newly independent nation In July 1776. 304 million: the nation’s population on this July Fourth.

More than 1 in 4: The chance that the hot dogs and pork sausages consumed on the Fourth of July originated in Iowa. The Hawkeye State was home to 17.6 million market hogs and pigs on March 1, 2008. This represents more than one-fourth of the nation’s total. North Carolina (9 million) and Minnesota (6.7 million) were the runners-up.

About 4 in 10: The odds that your side dish of baked beans originated from North Dakota, which produced 42 percent of the nation’s dry, edible beans in 2007. Another popular Fourth of July side dish is corn on the cob. Florida, California, Georgia and New York together accounted for 60 percent of the sweet corn produced nationally in 2007.

52%: Potato salad and potato chips are popular food items at Fourth of July barbecues. More than half of the nation’s spuds were produced in Idaho or Washington state in 2007.

Nearly 3 in 4: The chances that the fresh tomatoes in your salad came from Florida or California, which combined accounted for 73 percent of U.S. tomato production last year. The ketchup on your burger or hot dog probably came from California, which accounted for 96 percent of processed tomato production in 2007

$207 million: The value of fireworks imported from China in 2007, representing the bulk of all U.S. fireworks imported ($217 million). U.S. exports of fireworks, by comparison, came to just $14.9 million in 2007, with Japan purchasing more than any other country ($3.8 million).

$4.7 million: The 2007 dollar value of U.S. imports of American flags. The vast majority of this amount ($4.3 million) was for U.S. flags made in China.

$107.2 billion: Dollar value of trade last year between the United States and the United Kingdom, making the British, our adversary in 1776, our sixth-leading trading partner today.

11: Number of Americans who died in 2006 from fireworks.

9,200: Number treated in U.S. emergency departments for fireworks-related injuries.

$21 million: Cost of direct property damage from the 2,200 reported structure, or vehicle, fires caused by fireworks in 2004.

DIY

2008-06-12T10:06:00.007-05:00

"I feel fine" says George Chandler, after a 2.5" nail was removed from his brain last Friday.

Friend, Phil Kern, was helping the 60 year old build a deck on the back of his Shawnee, Kansas home when the cord to the pneumatic nail gun he was using became entangled in a children's toy. The device discharged as Phil worked to get the knot undone. The pair looked for the rogue projectile, but found nothing. Then George said he felt a "sting" on the top of his head. The two tool men put two and two together and Phil spotted the metal fastener planted in his chum's cranium.

Phil told George to sit down and called 911. He was awake and alert the whole time. "It never did really what you call hurt" explained George. The operator told Phil to leave the nail in his noggin and wait for the ambulance. So George just sat their and waited for the ambulance with his hat stuck to the left side of his head. You know, because it was nailed there.

Upon arrival at Overland Park Regional Medical Center, George was told that his injury wasn't serious and put in the waiting room. When George's number was finally called, the Docs on duty failed to dislodge the nail with the tools on hand. The ER Dr. then made an unusual request. "He looked at me and said, 'I need a claw hammer,'" tells Chandler . "I thought, Ah, he's just teasing." I can't imagine what was going through George's head, besides the nail I mean, when a maintenance worker showed up with a hammer. "He got a screwdriver at the same time, and he took the screwdriver and pried the nail up a little bit and got the claw hammer..."

I'll leave it at that. True story though. George says he has a headache, but is otherwise well. According to family, if the nail had entered George's head a mm lower, it could have left him blind, unable to speak and/or paralyzed.

HGTV Tip Of The Day: Use an old fork to hold a nail while hammering to protect fingers from being smashed. Start at home.

2008-06-11T10:14:00.015-05:00

If you're telekinetic and you know it...raise my hand.

Footnote

2008-05-27T10:08:00.025-05:00

Back in March I mentioned a peculiar news item involving right, athletic shoe clad, organs of locomotion washing up on the coast of British Columbia. Get this - A fourth foot was found five days ago.

How creepy is that! 4 human feet in 10 months and police haven't a clue as to where they came from or who they belong to. I'm glad to see the Mounties are no longer treading lightly and are now treating the findings as "suspicious". I guess they're a little more laid back in Canada. I would call the first foot suspicious. A fourth is just unnatural and, quite frankly, freakish.

Curtis Ebbesmeyer, the world's authority on floating, is still involved with the case and providing more Fun Facts too: "When bodies decompose in water they come apart in 10 pieces, two arms, two legs, two feet, the head and the torso. So, given four right feet have been found we have to wonder what's happened to the rest. There should be 40 body pieces, yet all that's being found are right feet." Apparently, Curtis is not a math expert. I'm guessing he's not a hit at cocktail parties either.

Along with the latest foot, one plausible theory has also surfaced. Family members are calling on the cops to investigate a link between the 4 feet and an '05 plane crash, on the northern island of Quadra, where the pilot and 3 passengers remain missing. There could be a connection. However, it's exactly one foot away from factitious. One right foot, that is.

Occupied

2008-05-21T12:37:00.010-05:00

So, today my friend Ken says: "Why haven't you been updating your blog?"

Ken doesn't have kids.

I didn't want this site to be all about my family life. It could easily have gone that way, but I chose against it. Right now though, my life is all about my girls; all 4 of them. That means this blog is taking a back seat. But just for the time being. We're still settling in and adjusting and not sleeping and practicing "1-2-3 Magic". I'll get some personal time again; eventually. I think. Family time is what is most important right now.

Ken will someday have his own child. And I will laugh and laugh when he tries to tell me about the crazy days he's having. It's the kind of crazy you have to live through yourself to fully comprehend; to fully appreciate. Mark my words my friend: Crazy days await you! Crazy wonderful days. Mark my words.

2008-04-25T08:51:00.016-05:00

It was our second delivery and third daughter. To be honest, I was a little "been there, done that" about it. I know now that was just plain ignorance. Once the labor started, I was enlightened. I can't even explain the joy and wonder of watching my child come into the world. I was bawling like an infant myself.

All went well. My wife is an astonishing baby maker. She was tired and sore, but decided to leave the L&D ward the next day. This after only half her body felt the effects of the epidural. We figured that, even with two toddlers and all the family running around, it would be more restful than the hospital. It would at least be home.

Mom and baby continue to do great. Dad is still in a state of euphoria. It's mind blowing to simply watch our 19 inch newborn and her 3 foot siblings (who can't get enough of "baby sister") interact. All the hard parts of child raising seem to have escaped me; at least for the moment. The world is beautiful and life is miraculous. I'm sure things will change as time moves on and the diapers & laundry pile up, but one thing, I know, will not - the practically ineffable happiness that my girls bestow upon me.

Welcome to the family Sadie Jane.

In a Family Way

2008-04-07T14:04:00.017-05:00

I've been a little preoccupied as of late. Hence, the lack of recent updates here. We're expecting a special delivery, the stork kind, and I've been busy with things other than adding to this site.

I trust you understand and can bare with me. When there's news to report, I'll certainly let you know.

Speaking of little bundles of joy - Big ups to Mr. Andy and Mr. Todd! Although it would have been pretty funny to say they had a baby together, they didn't. But they did make some new ones with their lovely wives. Congrats fellas!

That's Gonna Leave A Mark

2008-03-24T12:34:00.007-05:00

Most folks I know celebrate Easter by waking up, searching for eggs and dashing off to church before converging on someone's home to break bread with family. It's quaint. In the Philippines, they crucify each other.

Fortunately, this year, the Philippine government is warning citizens that crucifixion may be "bad for health". It seems that many people there get really passionate for the Christ and reenact His last days on Earth. For many, it means lashing their backs raw with whips. For others, it means being nailed to a cross. With real nails. Through their hands and feet.

For the record, the Philippine government, and the church, frown on the practice. However, the Easter tradition seems to grow more popular each year. In fact, this years festivities were co-sponsored by Coca Cola and, cell phone company, Smart Telecommunications. I'm not kidding. Smart was promoting a new hands free bluetooth headset coming out this Spring. (Now I'm kidding.)

The Health Dept. urged participants to practice hygienic lashings, use sterilized 6" nails and make sure their tetanus shots are up to date. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, after all.

"We are not trying to go against the Lenten tradition here because whipping has somewhat already become some form of atonement for sins for some of us" said Health Secretary Francisco Duque the 3rd.

I complained that the brass band at my service was out of tune.

Happy Easter

2008-03-23T22:33:00.003-05:00

Flubber

2008-03-13T08:19:00.001-05:00

Some dates we never forget; birthday, 9-11, the first time you saw Seam play live at the Lounge Ax. Thursday, November 12, 1970 will be one of those days for Mr. Walter Umenhofer. While Neil Armstrong walked on the moon only months before, this was the day Mr. Umenhofer's Oldsmobile was crushed by a 300 pound chunk of falling whale blubber in a Florence, OR. parking lot. He just happened to be there on business. That's something you remember.

A few days earlier, a dead sperm whale was spit out by the Pacific ocean and found its final resting place on the sandy shores of an Oregon beach. And there it lay. And stunk. And laid and stunk a few days more. Because the beach was a public right of way and, presumably, no one else wanted to deal with a decomposing whale carcass, the duty of its disposal fell upon the Oregon Highway Dept. Since they didn't have much dead whale dispersal experience, they decided to do what they did know how to do...blow it up.

Plans were drawn, a crew was brought in and a trench was dug. Said trench was filled with 20 strategically placed crates holding 50lbs. of TNT each. A crowd gathered to watch the OHD blow the whale back into the ocean. What was left, they figured, would be easily cleaned up by the seagulls. So they exploded the 8 ton whale and, as they say about the best-laid plans, things went awry.

The event went on to become legendary. I had never heard of it until this week. Fortunately, for me and you, the whole bloody mess was captured on film by the local news. It's got to be the oldest "viral video" I've ever seen. I've watched it 4 times and even just now I laughed out loud thinking about it. My favorite line from the whole fiasco:

"Fortunately no humans were hit as bad as the car. However, everyone on the scene was covered in small particles of dead whale."

The Exploding Whale Video

I See Your Phalanges

2008-03-04T12:58:00.043-06:00

By Jove, there's mystery afoot! We may have gotten 3 feet of snow this winter, but Vancouver got 3 feet.

In August of 2007, a white and blue sneaker washed ashore on Jedidiah beach; a tiny isle in the Strait of Georgia between Vancouver Island and Vancouver, British Columbia. It wouldn't have been so strange, except the sneaker contained a severed human foot. A right, size 12, male foot, to be precise. Six days later another right, size 12, gym shoe, containing a second severed foot was found on Gabriola Island. Then, last month, a 3rd human right foot, tied into a tennie, was found on neighboring Valdes Island. Rule of three.

"This is the first incident in recent memory where we've had three such similar sets of remains come to our attention in a certain time frame and a certain geographic area," said B.C. assistant deputy chief coroner Jeff Dolan. Curtis Ebbesmeyer, an expert on things that float and where they float to (really) has commented on the case as well: “Running shoes are quite buoyant. They would tend to encase a foot and keep it floating. A body comes apart naturally; it’s called disarticulation. The head usually comes off first. The parts of the body that are protected will last the longest. The shoe usually floats soles up, so that might prevent the seabirds from pecking at it.”

So that, graphically, answers how 3 human feet might make it back to land, but how did they get into the water? A spokesperson for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police called the odds of 2 different right feet washing up on shore in a 40 mile radius "a million to one". Now there's a third. What do you think those odds are?

I'll go out on a limb here, but because they were still in their shoes, I suspect those feet weren't planning on leaving their legs. If foul play is to blame, I sure hope they're able to catch the heel that's responsible. Unfortunately, police are stumped and investigators are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Save for one sole lead, the cops don't have a leg to stand on. And that lead? The RCMP are following up on a tip that one victim goes by the name, "Ilene".

We Will, We Will, Barack You

2008-02-22T14:36:00.015-06:00

The cult of personality that is Obamamania appears to be on its way to Democratic victory. That train is gaining momentum faster than Rush Limbaugh can say "Barack Hussein Odumbo".

I can say, without divulging too much info about my political affiliation, that I am not complaining about that. I'll say that my candidate is still in the race too. Unfortunately, at this point, I don't see the gal making it to the finish line though. If she did, it would mean the superdelegates went against the popular vote, thereby f'ing with the democratic system and creating a new hanging chad scenario. Now that would make me mad. Oh, and my father called me a "flaming liberal" on the phone the other night. He meant it in the bad way too. But, Barack Obama is a fine, fine, candidate. To be honest, I'm smitten with the guy myself. It's just that that one candidate's platform most closely matched up with my own personal political views. And that's what we should be voting on, right? The issues? Plus, I'm still slightly, just slightly, concerned about Mr. Obama's experience. I didn't say age mind you; I said experience. I kind of think Senator Obama might make an even better President in 2012.

But people want to be inspired and Barack Obama is doing that. I love it. Record numbers of voters are participating in the electoral process. It's amazing to see, but freaking me out a little at the same time. There are Obama cakes, Obama clothing, Obama jewelry, Obama music videos, Obama Valentine's Day cards. The press is calling supporters "Obama-Maniacs". Detractors are calling them cultish and have compared him to Jim Jones and David Koresh. He received a 17,000 person ovation for blowing his nose at a speech in Dallas on Tuesday. Those last two are ri-diculous, I know, but then you read something like this, attributed to actress Halle Berry: "I'll do whatever he says to do...I'll collect paper cups off the ground to make his pathway clear." That's weird Halle.

Nevertheless, the first half of the race is coming to a close and, in the words of Sen. Hillary Clinton, “It's time that we move from good words to good works, from sound bites to sound solutions.” Word to your mother Hil.

And in case you saw Barack Obama and Halle Berry in the same sentence and instantly wondered what their love child would look like as I did...It ain't that pretty at all. Here you go:

Almost Perfect

2008-02-04T09:42:00.000-06:00

"As Mike Tyson would say, 'Everybody has a plan

until they get punched in the face.' "

-NY Giant, Michael Strahan

I'd Love You To Love To Investigate

2008-01-30T08:28:00.000-06:00

I finally heard back from the Fantastic people.

Annie's Inc. Customer Relations Associate (Fantastic is apparently owned by the Annie's Naturals folks) Rani Ponds said: "I just wanted to check in with you regarding the foreign object you found in your box of Vegetarian Chili...We would love to investigate the matter further." She went on to offer us a "care package" and a pre-paid UPS return label so I can send the candy and the original box back to them. "I apologize for any distress finding this foreign object may have caused you and thank you very much for notifying us...I can't imagine how this got through the process."

Does that sound sincere? I though it did, at first, but now I'm not certain. I'm sure every food company has to deal with their own Kentucky Fried rat or mouse in a Coke bottle scenarios, so I can understand why they would be sceptical. I'm eager hear what they have to say once they actually receive the caramel and the box. I of course saved them both, just in case they questioned the truthfulness of my own claim.

After this, and the "care package", I'm not sure I'll ever hear back from them though. I'll let you know if I do. In the mean time, ever wonder how likely you are to eat your friends? I mean in the un-likely event you find yourselves stranded in the wilderness without food, of course. Well, this will tell you exactly how likely. Myself, I'm 52% likely to eat my friends. I thought it would have been higher. So tuck that away in a little spare pocket of your brain and remember that it just may behoove you to make sure there's someone in the back seat should we be road-tripping it somewhere. May I suggest...Ken.

52%

Surprise Inside Every Box

2008-01-17T00:16:00.000-06:00

My friend Ken gets a kick out of the complaint letters I send to companies. I don't do it all that often. I send letters of recognition almost as much too. But when something ticks me off, I do feel a need to make my ticked-offedness known. Sometimes my gripes fall on deaf ears. Sometimes not. Case in point: the lovely folks at Potter Barn Kids who sent us a $200 gift card after my daughter slashed her sister across the nose with one of their place mats. That healed just fine and we got a nice lamp out of the deal.

Just kidding. We didn't take her pain and suffering money and buy a lamp with it. We still have the gift card. But we will probably use it to buy a lamp. Anyhow, instead of telling you my recent chili story, let me just show you the letter I sent off instead.

My veggie wife and I have been long time Fantastic fans. However, this weekend we happened upon an unfortunate surprise. As I began preparing a batch of Vegetarian Chili, I noticed an odd clump in the mix. I gave it a few stirs, but the lump didn't break up as I expected. So I picked it out of the pot and discovered a hard, oval shaped piece of something that was not textured soy protein. I rinsed it off to reveal a smooth, coffee with cream colored object, shaped like a marble squished half way down. We had no idea what it could be, but after holding it in my fingers for a while, the object started to feel tacky. When I cut, really broke, one end off with a pair of scissors, I realized what it was. To my dismay, I found myself holding a half eaten Werther's Original, or some other brand of, hard caramel candy.

I am thoroughly grossed out. WTF?

I kept the original Chili box, as well as the partially sucked piece of candy that came inside it, should you want to examine the nasty little thing for yourself.

I provided the lot # and SKU as well, but have yet to received a response from Fantastic World Foods. I also left out the fact that I licked the damn thing in an early attempt to reveal the mystery nugget's true origin.

Angennifer

2008-01-09T13:42:00.000-06:00

The imaginative editors over at US Magazine have posted a poll of their own to kick off the 2008 election season: Who Has The Hotter Bod - Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? As I write this, the pair are in a dead heat. With a total of 11483 votes, I'm looking at a tie. That's hot. It's like Hillary vs. Barack but with less clothes. And talking. Plus, its a lot easier to follow than the NH primaries. Thank goodness a media outlet like this has the the balls to bring what we, the people, want. Democracy only works when you participate, so get your votes in!

Speaking of balls,what's up with Jennifer's?

Savory

2008-01-03T10:16:00.000-06:00

Beautiful Albert Lea, MN. Population 18K. County seat of Freeborn Co. Total area: 12 square miles, with only 2 of those covered by lake water. Birthplace of Marion "Mrs. C." Ross as well as the little recipe guide, made out of index card pages, that's anchoring a row of cookbooks in my kitchen. It's called "Our Favorite Appetizers". I'm not sure who put it out, but if I had to guess, I'd say some ladies in a church basement had something to do with it.

Boasting a hefty index, this bantam book of hors d'oeuvres is guaranteed to get things cooking. Dips, nuts, dumplings, tarts, soups and wraps are all served up with distinctive Southern MN flair. We, in fact, followed it's instructions to create an ambrosial artichoke spread that was a hit at this year's Christmas party.

Unfortunately for you, you're not going to find this book at Borders or Amazon. And a quick search on eBay proved fruitless. This just isn't the type of text any culinary cuisinier worth his or her weight in beans would part with. Allow me to show you just why that is. Here is my favorite entry. Quick, grab a pencil & paper. Ready? Start with 8oz. of that creamy, fatty, liver-based, soft sausage called Liverwurst. Add 8oz. Cream Cheese, 1 chopped Onion, 1tsp. Worcestershire, 1/2 tsp. Lemon Juice and Salt & Pep to taste. Mix well. Serve on crackers and pâté! I mean...Par-tay! How can you go wrong with Liverwurst dip? That's right, you can't.

Other notable entries include:
"Meatballs Deluxe"- Ingredient #2: Monosodium Glutamate. De-Luxe & De-Lish!
"Cold Pizza"- Crescent Rolls, Cream Cheese, Mayo, Ranch Salad Dressing & Broccoli. I shudder at the thought of my dog snatching one of these puppies of the counter.
"Bread Dip"- Which you serve with bread.
"Hot & Easy Shrimp"
"Nibblers"
"Hot Sausage Balls"
"Bread Fondue"- Also served on bread.
"Curry Dip"- Mayo & Curry Powder. But achieving just the right balance is tricky.
"Beef Cheese Log"- May taste even worse than it sounds.
"Hanky Pankies"

"Hot Mexican" dip

And last, but certainly not least, "Crock Pot Appetizers". Take 'Catsup', Vinegar, Mustard & Worcestershire and pour it all into a slow cooker. There's a few steps in between, but the last one is: "Add: Meat Balls, Stuffed Olives, Large Mushrooms, Chunk Pineapple, Shrimp, Cocktail Sausages"... and I think they mean all of it. Cook for a long time and Bam! I know it's not exactly Everyday Italian, but it is Semi-Homemade. So top that with parmesan Giada De Laurentiis! Them are good eats.

Happy 2008 everybody. Bon appétit!

Wonderland

2007-12-26T13:33:00.000-06:00

From me and mine to you and yours - Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Holiday Rush

2007-12-20T11:25:00.000-06:00

Places to be, people to see

Very busy, very busy

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

Jingle all the Way

Karmic

2007-12-03T16:47:00.002-06:00

Dear Sunshine State,

I'm sorry I called you a wang. I take that back. You are truly lovely. Your powdery white-sand beaches that line your barrier Keys, azure waters & subtropical atmosphere, combined with your sophistication & charm, make you the gem of America's Gulf Coast.

We're back home now. The flight went well, but our plane landed at MSP in a blizzard. It took me an hour and a half to shovel us out the next morning. I'm no "weather wimp", but I am freezing my ass off. My tan and the warm memories of you have been a source of great comfort these past two day. Thanks for everything. - Matthew

P.S. I miss you

Do You See What I See

2007-11-30T08:53:00.000-06:00

I know the Dear Lord Baby Jesus wasn't born into this world for the sake of us Yankees alone, but the holidays on the "SunCoast" is a trip. I'm glad to see they celebrate His birthday in other parts of the world, though I can't even describe how peculiar it strikes me to see Christmas tree dealers set up in parking lots underneath circus tents shaded by 30 ft. palm trees & lighted wicker reindeer on the front lawns of homes next to open convertibles parked on crushed shell driveways. It's...It's...It ain't right.

I am glad to see that the locals here take care of their skin too. There are dermatology offices, laser rejuvenation clinics & dermasurgery centers all over the place. Which reminds me, we're out of sunscreen. I'll have to pick that up later. Right now, we're off to the beach!

Sweater Weather

2007-11-28T09:43:00.000-06:00

The thermometer dipped below 60 here. Over night. For like a few hours. The weather guy on the local ABC Action News this morning actually apologized for the "unseasonably cold" temps. I laughed out loud when I heard his follow up comment. This isn't a quote, but it was petty much: Hang in there, relief is on the way. HA! Weather wimps.