October 08, 2009

I'm In If Urine

This has been a nut-busting week for MSP sport-nuts: Gophers/Badgers, Twins/Tigers and, of course, Vikings/Green Bay. The Twin Cities Marathon was also held on Sunday and, for most, it was an amazing race. But for one runner, the winner of his age group no less, the verdict is still out…and he’s pissed.

The athlete in question, a national record holder, is now under investigation by race officials, who are consulting with USA Track and Field, to determine if the competitor “violated the rules when he received the informal assistance on the way to winning his gender's 80-84 age division”. I know what you’re thinking…DOPER! Was it blood transfusions? Hormones? Anabolics? No; no it wasn't...it was a catheter. Like in a flexible or rigid hollow tube employed to drain fluids from body cavities.

Octogenarian athlete, 81 year old, Jerry Johncock, the first American over 80 to finish a marathon in under 4 hours Jerry Johncock, got to mile 21 and couldn’t hold it any more. Knowing that a blood clot was the culprit, (huh?) he pulled into the medical tent on River Rd. and asked for help so he could keep on going. Instead, aides told Jerry Johncock that his race was over and they would transport him to the nearest hospital. Jerry Johncock was all: What the dick? I’ve run over 100 marathons since turning 50 and I’ve never had to quit! Suddenly, and no doubt surprisingly, someone from the crowd of spectators that was supposedly urging on the 80-84 group race said: Wait! I have a catheter that I want Jerry Johncock to use to drain his bladder! And then he fetched one from his car. (huh? HUH!) Jerry Johncock sought the privacy of a medical van and a first aid staffer helped him poke the catheter into his bladder so he could lighten his load. Once done, he was off to the races! Jerry Johncock’s Good Samaritan has yet to be identified. Presumably because there are a lot of unanswered questions here. But Jerry Johncock is thankful.

It "was just a gift from the Lord," said Jerry Johncock. "As soon as I got the catheter, I [urinated] and I was good to go. Oh, what a relief that was." I bet!

My hat's off to you Jerry Johncock. You're a champion, a gentleman, can run circles around me, apparently poked a catheter into your own bladder in the back of a van and still won your race at 5h22m! You can stick it USAT&F. Jerry Johncock rules!

P.S. Jerry Johncock

October 03, 2009

Yeah, She Likes It

I haven't tried these things, but this commercial cracks me up every time!

Mrs. Hunter...